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Hi,
Since Diane has provided some wonderful insight and information, I thought I could play the "other side", and ask some questions in a different perspective. Please know I whole-heartedly agree with everything Diane has suggested, and only offer this to bring up other thoughts---I do not want to minimize your frustration and struggles.

How do you define "making love"?
How do you define "sex"?
How do you define "satisfying intimacy?"

And, how does your husband define each of these?

I ask, because it may not be as black-and-white, and you may actually have some of each of these definitions in your current situation. Be specific; I "get" that a quickie is your definition of "sex" and not "making love". I would challenge you to write down the details of what else defines these terms for you, and it would be great to ask your husband the same thing. He seems open to sharing his thoughts, and this is not criticism or anything negative..it can be a fun learning experience! The possible benefits could be:
- you have more in common with your definitions than you realized (great!)
- you have less in common in definitions than you realized (and can learn about each other)
- this fact-finding "exercise" or "activity" could be an opening to further discussion
- it may facilitate further exploration (both verbally and physically)

I have found in my 6 year marriage that different situations and life-events really do cause the sexual and intimate relationship to "ebb and flow". When we were sad, depressed and hated our jobs, our relationship suffered for a long time (5 years, on and off). We went to marriage counseling, and the {stupid} counselor said, "why are you two even still married?!" We were appalled at the question, but this was the turning point for us...it made us both so angry that we both had to defend our reasons...and it reminded us why we are still married. We stopped seeing that counselor, and she was probably the biggest help to us with her abrasive question.

I have been in your exact same situation with the having to initiate and be rejected...it hurts, is frustrating...and all the time you feel like you should be the "modern woman" who can speak her mind, ask for what she wants, have her needs met, etc, etc. I still believe this, but also realize that sometimes it doesn't work this way. You can give it time; put your physical needs on hold while you go on a fact-finding mission. Your husband needs to be happy in order for him to be able to open up to you in an intimate way. If he refuses to do this, refuses counseling...he may be refusing to work on his relationship. That gives you the information you need to move forward with your life, as you can put some of your needs on hold for a little while (the "ebb and flow" part of a relationship, assuming he would do the same for you). You do not, nor should you, put your needs on hold indefinitely.

As far as other aspects of your relationship---who is the "decision-maker", I had that same issue as well. How I resolved it in my head: I told my husband that I did everything around the house as far as the "invisible housework" (paying bills, making doctor appointments, buying family gifts, coordinating get-togethers with his family, etc), and he was surprised I felt this way! He said, "well...I do all the VISIBLE housework!", and started naming off everything HE does (mow lawn, make bed, clean one of the bathrooms, take cars to shop, etc). Wow---he was right! Our relationship is never going to be 50%-50% on everything, because he never goes grocery shopping and never will plan a meal to save his life. However, I also never mow the lawn. Does this sound at all like your situation---you and your husband are both helping around the house, both have a career, both have friends, both have families and other social obligations--and are both feeling resentful towards each other for not pulling their own weight?

June 14, 2009 - 7:54am

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