I have a similar problem... This may be really long, because I haven't told many people as I have no friends or family, and no one would really ever want to take the time to hear this whole thing. I am going to tell you all of it though, not to steal your fire or take over your thread haha, but because I think people in these situations feel very alone and want to understand what is going on. I want to give you a lot of details because maybe they will link up with yours, and you will "figure something out." I also have moved in with the person and lived with them for two years.
I have been with someone now for over two years, who initially wasn't attracted to me because I'm not curvy enough hahha :) Mainly my butt, and because at the time, I had gone through a lot of hardships and was sort of unhealthy, and depressed, not eating much, and not having the time to dress pretty. I was practically homeless, just dealt a bad hand for a while. He wasn't just not attracted to me, he was actually disturbed at points by how my body looked, even stopping in the middle of making love. But again, I was *quite* "sickly" (as he likes to call it) at the time.
He "took care of me" and allowed me to live with him, paid for everything, until I could get a decent job and qualifications. Now we are both relatively successful, and somewhat iconic in our area as being important in the art world, as a unit. I know that if he asked me to marry him, I could absolutely love him always, we work together well, are dedicated to the same things, and we have strange things that link us from our pasts, like making up almost the exact same characters in our artwork before we met. I am also now doing exactly what I always wanted to do with my life, and we are mostly only growing closer, dealing with arguments better/not arguing much anymore.
So if you want to know what happens when you stay with someone who is not attracted to you--- I don't know. It is still very painful for me, that he was not attracted to me in the beggining. I don't get excited for our anniversary dates, because I know now at the time when we first me, he didn't feel the same as I did. I read in his old conversations with friends online, he said "I'm not as hot as his other girlfriends."
I have worked out a lot, and I guess I'm somewhat "presentable" now, more healthy and capable, but I'm still working at it. The reason why I didn't mind doing this for him, was because I didn't feel good about how I looked, and I *was* sickly and barely able to keep myself going. But It is painful because I want to be loved and wanted no matter what I look like, haha, I want it to be my decision only to exercise and better my self, and for him to just be happy for me, not like my body is so terrifyingly skinny and ill looking that I have to work out just to not be scary during sex.
Now I often feel inferior to other women, am always watching him to see if he will check out someone (which he does in front of me at times, but denies it, who knows, I actually could be imagining it-- I am often very paranoid now, and I know that men also instinctively do this). I am jealous of his past relationships with people who he was very sexually attracted to. In fact, I read all his love letters to them online in their journals, look at their pictures together (he still has them in a folder called "girls"), and just get sick over it to the point of almost fainting and torture him about it every few months, when I'm feeling down. I'm always trying to "figure something out" about his past, and I don't believe him that he isn't still in love with them, although I don't *really* have any reason to think that. I just want to know what they have, that I don't, that fills that missing gap. Why are they so desirable. I want to know why he doesn't write love letters to me, or want me so much that I get annoyed at him haha, or act like a puppy dog to me. It sounds selfish out loud, and babyish. But I want him to be obsessed with me like he was with them-- not in an unhealthy way, but it wouldn't be unhealthy anyway because if he was that into me, I would take care of him, and treat him well, and not leave him or manipulate him, or make fun of him like they did. I think we both have problems, because I am too insecure, and he has been hurt so much by women that he is enslaved by his need to worship an unattainable thing, or something. Why else would he have all these failed month or so long relationships with very pretty but egotistical girls that are based mostly on sex seemingly, although he says that he was miserable because he couldn't *find* someone to stay with him, and that girls are fickle. ("But c'mon, look at the choices..." that's what I think/say and it makes him mad because he says that you can't know what someone will be like.)
The sex in the beginning was pretty akward/unsatisfactory for me, and for him. He prides himself on his passion and intimacy, but he is much less intimate/free than my other boyfriends, but maybe it is just our chemistry that makes it that way. (another mind-f*** that makes me start obsessing about his past, wondering what "they" do in bed that is different from me, especially since he doesn't really let me take initiative, and likes pretty basic sex.) It has grown better with time, sometimes it is amazing and beautiful, sometimes there are weird patches that evoke the beginning. It usually coincides with my confidence level, another reason why I believe the chemistry problem is all my fault.
So what do you do in this situation? It's very confusing, because on one hand, you have an ideal relationship that seems to be growing every day, despite hardships that don't sound very good to people if you try to explain it to them. For me, I can say that it is all effected by my acceptance of what has happened, I have to be able to accept the way he was with girls in the past, and stop causing conflict with my insecurities and need for reassurance, because if things keep growing the way they seem to be, then maybe what we have/could have would be truly unconditional and much more passionate than anything in his past. It's just hard because I feel this way about him-- and it's hard to restrain myself to be calm and loving, when I want to scream that he is my soulmate and kiss every part of him all the time. It's a very terrifying risk, because not only could it all amount to nothing, but there are also many ways you could sabotage yourself one way or the other. I just have this *feeling* that we will get married and he will be the one for me always, but each time I push him away and fight with him and act crazy, I know I make this outcome more and more difficult and unrealistic. So even though his actions don't/didn't help, I am my own worst enemy in this.
Can you overcome these feelings? It is very scary, but I suggest trying to do what your heart tells you, if you really want to be with this man. Make sure you are sound financially for the most part, or have a career that can allow you to live on your own if you have to. But maybe you just need to see what happens if you go into it with full trust and a full heart. If you get hurt, then you just have to NEVER do anything like this again. And KNOW for sure that it was not your fault, and that you are an amazing, loving, and beautiful person that has a real soulmate out there.
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I have a similar problem... This may be really long, because I haven't told many people as I have no friends or family, and no one would really ever want to take the time to hear this whole thing. I am going to tell you all of it though, not to steal your fire or take over your thread haha, but because I think people in these situations feel very alone and want to understand what is going on. I want to give you a lot of details because maybe they will link up with yours, and you will "figure something out." I also have moved in with the person and lived with them for two years.
I have been with someone now for over two years, who initially wasn't attracted to me because I'm not curvy enough hahha :) Mainly my butt, and because at the time, I had gone through a lot of hardships and was sort of unhealthy, and depressed, not eating much, and not having the time to dress pretty. I was practically homeless, just dealt a bad hand for a while. He wasn't just not attracted to me, he was actually disturbed at points by how my body looked, even stopping in the middle of making love. But again, I was *quite* "sickly" (as he likes to call it) at the time.
He "took care of me" and allowed me to live with him, paid for everything, until I could get a decent job and qualifications. Now we are both relatively successful, and somewhat iconic in our area as being important in the art world, as a unit. I know that if he asked me to marry him, I could absolutely love him always, we work together well, are dedicated to the same things, and we have strange things that link us from our pasts, like making up almost the exact same characters in our artwork before we met. I am also now doing exactly what I always wanted to do with my life, and we are mostly only growing closer, dealing with arguments better/not arguing much anymore.
So if you want to know what happens when you stay with someone who is not attracted to you--- I don't know. It is still very painful for me, that he was not attracted to me in the beggining. I don't get excited for our anniversary dates, because I know now at the time when we first me, he didn't feel the same as I did. I read in his old conversations with friends online, he said "I'm not as hot as his other girlfriends."
I have worked out a lot, and I guess I'm somewhat "presentable" now, more healthy and capable, but I'm still working at it. The reason why I didn't mind doing this for him, was because I didn't feel good about how I looked, and I *was* sickly and barely able to keep myself going. But It is painful because I want to be loved and wanted no matter what I look like, haha, I want it to be my decision only to exercise and better my self, and for him to just be happy for me, not like my body is so terrifyingly skinny and ill looking that I have to work out just to not be scary during sex.
Now I often feel inferior to other women, am always watching him to see if he will check out someone (which he does in front of me at times, but denies it, who knows, I actually could be imagining it-- I am often very paranoid now, and I know that men also instinctively do this). I am jealous of his past relationships with people who he was very sexually attracted to. In fact, I read all his love letters to them online in their journals, look at their pictures together (he still has them in a folder called "girls"), and just get sick over it to the point of almost fainting and torture him about it every few months, when I'm feeling down. I'm always trying to "figure something out" about his past, and I don't believe him that he isn't still in love with them, although I don't *really* have any reason to think that. I just want to know what they have, that I don't, that fills that missing gap. Why are they so desirable. I want to know why he doesn't write love letters to me, or want me so much that I get annoyed at him haha, or act like a puppy dog to me. It sounds selfish out loud, and babyish. But I want him to be obsessed with me like he was with them-- not in an unhealthy way, but it wouldn't be unhealthy anyway because if he was that into me, I would take care of him, and treat him well, and not leave him or manipulate him, or make fun of him like they did. I think we both have problems, because I am too insecure, and he has been hurt so much by women that he is enslaved by his need to worship an unattainable thing, or something. Why else would he have all these failed month or so long relationships with very pretty but egotistical girls that are based mostly on sex seemingly, although he says that he was miserable because he couldn't *find* someone to stay with him, and that girls are fickle. ("But c'mon, look at the choices..." that's what I think/say and it makes him mad because he says that you can't know what someone will be like.)
The sex in the beginning was pretty akward/unsatisfactory for me, and for him. He prides himself on his passion and intimacy, but he is much less intimate/free than my other boyfriends, but maybe it is just our chemistry that makes it that way. (another mind-f*** that makes me start obsessing about his past, wondering what "they" do in bed that is different from me, especially since he doesn't really let me take initiative, and likes pretty basic sex.) It has grown better with time, sometimes it is amazing and beautiful, sometimes there are weird patches that evoke the beginning. It usually coincides with my confidence level, another reason why I believe the chemistry problem is all my fault.
So what do you do in this situation? It's very confusing, because on one hand, you have an ideal relationship that seems to be growing every day, despite hardships that don't sound very good to people if you try to explain it to them. For me, I can say that it is all effected by my acceptance of what has happened, I have to be able to accept the way he was with girls in the past, and stop causing conflict with my insecurities and need for reassurance, because if things keep growing the way they seem to be, then maybe what we have/could have would be truly unconditional and much more passionate than anything in his past. It's just hard because I feel this way about him-- and it's hard to restrain myself to be calm and loving, when I want to scream that he is my soulmate and kiss every part of him all the time. It's a very terrifying risk, because not only could it all amount to nothing, but there are also many ways you could sabotage yourself one way or the other. I just have this *feeling* that we will get married and he will be the one for me always, but each time I push him away and fight with him and act crazy, I know I make this outcome more and more difficult and unrealistic. So even though his actions don't/didn't help, I am my own worst enemy in this.
Can you overcome these feelings? It is very scary, but I suggest trying to do what your heart tells you, if you really want to be with this man. Make sure you are sound financially for the most part, or have a career that can allow you to live on your own if you have to. But maybe you just need to see what happens if you go into it with full trust and a full heart. If you get hurt, then you just have to NEVER do anything like this again. And KNOW for sure that it was not your fault, and that you are an amazing, loving, and beautiful person that has a real soulmate out there.
November 13, 2009 - 9:37amThis Comment
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