Please don't apologize for how you feel. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer.
I haven't lost my mom, but I lost my dad. I know the kind of pain you are feeling. It feels like a black hole somewhere in your gut that will never, ever be fixed.
When the grief is this bad, some people say you have to get through just one day at a time. But I say that when you can't think about getting through a whole day, you just focus on getting through one hour at a time. When it's 10, all you have to do is get through until 11. You don't have to think about anything else until then. When 11 finally comes, good job. You did it. And all you have to do is focus on getting through until 12.
At some point there will be a time when you can think about just getting through a day at a time. And you will cry a little bit less. And be able to breathe a little bit more. I promise you. It doesn't feel that you will ever really breathe again. But you do.
I think it is profoundly moving that you were able to be with her when she died. That was an answered prayer, wasn't it? You will always have that knowledge and that gift. You will always know that the strength came from somewhere. You will always know that when she was leaving, she wasn't alone. That in itself will help you during some of the rough times. Focus on the fact that you were there for her.
I think the first week after someone you love dies in some ways feels like a circus. It is a time when we want to be left alone to grieve, and yet here come these phone calls or flowers or decisions or visitors. And we can just barely deal with the fact of our loved one being gone, much less all this other stuff. It is almost as though the world set it up that way, though, to just get us through that first week.
Your sisters might be bickering, but that is how they are dealing with their grief. Each of us is different. They may be feeling different feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt. They may deal with their grief privately later. That's ok too. Don't run away, but don't feel that you have to throw yourself into the activities, either. You had an important time with your mom and that can comfort you.
And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it.
And in the meantime, just an hour at a time. Sometimes it's all we can manage, and that's OK.
Comment Reply
Debbie,
Please don't apologize for how you feel. I'm so glad you found EmpowHer.
I haven't lost my mom, but I lost my dad. I know the kind of pain you are feeling. It feels like a black hole somewhere in your gut that will never, ever be fixed.
When the grief is this bad, some people say you have to get through just one day at a time. But I say that when you can't think about getting through a whole day, you just focus on getting through one hour at a time. When it's 10, all you have to do is get through until 11. You don't have to think about anything else until then. When 11 finally comes, good job. You did it. And all you have to do is focus on getting through until 12.
At some point there will be a time when you can think about just getting through a day at a time. And you will cry a little bit less. And be able to breathe a little bit more. I promise you. It doesn't feel that you will ever really breathe again. But you do.
I think it is profoundly moving that you were able to be with her when she died. That was an answered prayer, wasn't it? You will always have that knowledge and that gift. You will always know that the strength came from somewhere. You will always know that when she was leaving, she wasn't alone. That in itself will help you during some of the rough times. Focus on the fact that you were there for her.
I think the first week after someone you love dies in some ways feels like a circus. It is a time when we want to be left alone to grieve, and yet here come these phone calls or flowers or decisions or visitors. And we can just barely deal with the fact of our loved one being gone, much less all this other stuff. It is almost as though the world set it up that way, though, to just get us through that first week.
Your sisters might be bickering, but that is how they are dealing with their grief. Each of us is different. They may be feeling different feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt. They may deal with their grief privately later. That's ok too. Don't run away, but don't feel that you have to throw yourself into the activities, either. You had an important time with your mom and that can comfort you.
And I have to agree with Michelle -- be alert for signs that your Mom is there with you. There are times when I know my Dad is with me. I can feel it, out of the blue. It's not imagination, because if it was imagination I would imagine it all the time! Be alert for a dream, for a sense, for a laugh, for a penny in the driveway. Be aware for a nudge that she's there, checking on you, being with you. It may feel like just a whisper. That's all. But you'll know it.
And in the meantime, just an hour at a time. Sometimes it's all we can manage, and that's OK.
July 7, 2009 - 9:01amThis Comment
Reply