Hi, Summerdayz. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for your question. And don't worry, it's not too long. All those details help people know how to write back to you.
There's a lot going on here, isn't there? An awful lot of good things, and then a few that are a puzzle. Let's see if we can work on the puzzle pieces.
Does your boyfriend believe he is depressed? Would he seek help for it?
Because depression is a major cause of low libido. Major. And the fact that he no longer is doing other things that he used to be interested in is a key. When depression really sets in, it can seem absolutely impossible to believe that you'll ever be interested in anything again. It feels ludicrous. It feels stupid to even think about it. It feels fake. I know from experience. Do you know that once in the pit of my depression, something funny came on the radio in my car, and I laughed -- and then I realized how fake laughing seemed. That's how insidious depression can be. It creeps in around the edges and affects things you don't even realize in addition to the things you do realize.
I realize that seeing a therapist during a time of long unemployment may not be practical, but there are also places that will treat a person on a sliding scale. It might help him just to see someone once or twice, even, so he can learn how the depression is affecting him and perhaps get some strategy on how to deal with it. Is this a possibility, do you think?
Here are a couple of references and articles that discuss depression and loss of libido:
Here's something that is important to remember: Whatever he believes is TRUE for him. If he doesn't feel like a man, probably due to having no job and not being able to provide financially, then there isn't much you can do or say to change that. This is something that's coming from deep inside him and it may not get better until he can work. It is very possible that you could get married this minute and that nothing will change until the financial picture is a little steadier. He wants to feel productive and involved in the work world, and until he does, he'll feel unproductive and uninvolved. It's hard to feel sexually aroused when that's a reality.
I believe you that the two of you are right for one another, and I believe totally that you can get through this and to the other side. But I think it has more to do with him than it does with you, and I don't think marriage will necessarily change that. Depression is quite common, it can be treated, with therapy and/or with medication, and people learn that they can feel happier and more involved again.
Any possibilities here? Could I find you more information? Or do you need help finding resources where you live? If so, we can try to help with that as well, just write back with the city and state you live in. And come back and update us, OK? You need to be heard as much as your boyfriend does.
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Hi, Summerdayz. Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for your question. And don't worry, it's not too long. All those details help people know how to write back to you.
There's a lot going on here, isn't there? An awful lot of good things, and then a few that are a puzzle. Let's see if we can work on the puzzle pieces.
Does your boyfriend believe he is depressed? Would he seek help for it?
Because depression is a major cause of low libido. Major. And the fact that he no longer is doing other things that he used to be interested in is a key. When depression really sets in, it can seem absolutely impossible to believe that you'll ever be interested in anything again. It feels ludicrous. It feels stupid to even think about it. It feels fake. I know from experience. Do you know that once in the pit of my depression, something funny came on the radio in my car, and I laughed -- and then I realized how fake laughing seemed. That's how insidious depression can be. It creeps in around the edges and affects things you don't even realize in addition to the things you do realize.
I realize that seeing a therapist during a time of long unemployment may not be practical, but there are also places that will treat a person on a sliding scale. It might help him just to see someone once or twice, even, so he can learn how the depression is affecting him and perhaps get some strategy on how to deal with it. Is this a possibility, do you think?
Here are a couple of references and articles that discuss depression and loss of libido:
http://www.aafp.org/afp/20000815/782.html
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/sexual-problems-and-depression
Here's something that is important to remember: Whatever he believes is TRUE for him. If he doesn't feel like a man, probably due to having no job and not being able to provide financially, then there isn't much you can do or say to change that. This is something that's coming from deep inside him and it may not get better until he can work. It is very possible that you could get married this minute and that nothing will change until the financial picture is a little steadier. He wants to feel productive and involved in the work world, and until he does, he'll feel unproductive and uninvolved. It's hard to feel sexually aroused when that's a reality.
I believe you that the two of you are right for one another, and I believe totally that you can get through this and to the other side. But I think it has more to do with him than it does with you, and I don't think marriage will necessarily change that. Depression is quite common, it can be treated, with therapy and/or with medication, and people learn that they can feel happier and more involved again.
Any possibilities here? Could I find you more information? Or do you need help finding resources where you live? If so, we can try to help with that as well, just write back with the city and state you live in. And come back and update us, OK? You need to be heard as much as your boyfriend does.
July 16, 2009 - 9:11amThis Comment
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