I have been married to my husband 20 yrs on and off we had many fights and arguments through out. Out of all that time , twice we broke up for two whole years and one of those two times I even divorced him. Now we've been remarried for 4 yrs. The main problem in our 20 yr relationship has been his addictions, his lies, twice he left and I didn't hear from him for a month then fit two months, stealing,etc. To summarize he started off as a heroin addict. I went through hell because I didn't know but I loved him so much. After 3 yrs I couldn't do it anymore so we broke up. Then he took up alcoholism and that one is still a problem. I divorced him for two years and we both did our own thing. He had other partners but was drinking even more and would still not leave me alone. I had other partners and hated him for a long time. We finally decided to get back together because besides all we had a son together and financially he always took care of us. He was never the type to come home high or drunk and start fights, hit on me or anything like that , he's always acted interested in me sexually and he hasn't had problems getting it up,so I tried dealing with him. For a few years now since 2014-2017 I started going to church and I started changing the way I dressed, didn't wear makeup, gained weight, and was always into Godly things. Removing from my life and home anything sinful. I've been very strict about what is allowed to be watched or listened to. Especially anything with any nudeness on TV ,etc. My husband and son were going also but not that into it. To make this short after about 2 years of noticing he didn't look for me physically, didn't want to spend time with me, always making excuses, still drinking, and not looking at me much, always saying he's tired, waiting till I go to bed to then go straight to sleep, me calling him to come to bed but he would just stay in the living room and not really answering me, and even while in bed I would ask him why he didn't hug, kissed or touched me unless I started something he wouldn't really answer or have a reason. He would just act like he didn't hear me. I kept voicing how I felt, lonely, rejected, unloved on top of being in pain daily from fibromyalgia and back issues, which I could see he hated and he would always tell me he didn't mind that he understood but I would see different in his facial reactions. Basically I could tell that yes he loved me but didn't really like me or find me sexy anymore. In that area I don't blame him cause I did gain about 50lbs, from 130 to 150 my usual weight and I'm 5'5 to 199 lbs...I felt and looked old. Everyone in my family would tell me. I was disgusted with myself and didn't even want pics taken. I finally started taken a medication, started exercising(pain and all) and I started losing weight and feeling better. I started dressing cuter, wearing makeup at times and he started looking at me again and even pinning me to a wall once not too long ago. I was shocked but he would still not come to bed and he would wake up in the middle of the night every night while I was sleeping. I would check his phone but i never found anything cause he always deleted everything. He hated me searching his phone but would say,"Go ahead ,I have nothing to hide! You can check all you want!" And I did randomly. He would still like about the drinking, hide bottles, steal money he gave me for bills, for the drinking and one day I looked deeper into his phone and finally found out, IT WAS PORN! I went crazy, cried, felt cheated on, kicked him out, and just couldn't deal with it. He came back swearing it only happened that once. He kept promising it will never ever happen again that he was very ashamed, blah,blah,blah. Meanwhile still lying! I looked deeper into his Gmail account in his activity settings which tell you everything! Guess he didn't know about that. HE WAS WATCHING PORN FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS!!!! The nastiest videos you could imagine. Young women who looked like teenagers, anal sex, oral and just everything perverted between partners,etc. I confronted him and kept digging it out of him, read about other people's issues with this and they're all the same story basically. They get used to the PORN and they become emotionally detached and unless you catch it early they can lose their erection. It all comes from masturbating so much. He watched these three and four times a day and told me he did this but not to Everytime he watched. Supposedly! He's going to start counseling. I took his phone away, he got another one and I took that one too while he wasn't looking. He swears he wants to be with me and loves me and that he's always been attracted to me that it's not me. I've noticed he just likes to look at the details of our sexual moments, I've become more sexual with him (because I barely ever wanted to do anything with him, in all seriousness), I talk with him and asked him to tell me what he wants when it comes to that and i initialize it at times too. (It's not our fault they do these things but as married woman we need to remember what made us attracted to each other in the beginning. What has changed? What can we do for ourselves to look and feel good about ourselves and not have a low self esteem because a low self esteem is worse than a little bit of fat or not being beautiful. Confidence is #1! Trust me! When we act too needy, or too dependent they get turned off. Most of those women on PORN sites were not that pretty, they're all stretched out and have fake implants and lots of makeup and their bodies were not that great but the confidence they portray and sexiness they present to our men weather it's facial expression, clothing they wear while with the guy and boldness in showing off their bodies and not feeling embarrassed is what I saw that was more interesting to them.) My advice is take care of you. You doing have to be a PORN start either just take care of your body, work at it a little, show confidence and be a good intelligent woman. Educate yourself and if he's cheating. Let him go!