Hi, Anon, and welcome to EmpowHer. Your question is heartbreaking, and I'm so glad that you found us.
Anon 2, thank you for writing so honestly and generously about your experience. I know that what you wrote will not only help Anon, but will help others who read this thread and have had similar experiences.
To both of you, I want to say this: I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was 100% wrong, wrong, wrong, and neither of you were to blame. It's so sad to me that your cousin and your brother basically got away with this horrible act and the two of you are the ones made to suffer. You have each been victimized twice -- once when it happened, and a second time when you realized how your families would see it.
Anon1, you do need to tell someone, and I hope that writing here was your first step. It sounds, however, like the first person you tell should perhaps not be in your family. You are 17; does that mean you're in high school? Are you a junior or a senior? What would happen if you told your grandmother that you really need to see a counselor but that you don't yet want to talk about why?
I am assuming that the fact you are living with your grandmother means there are big family issues. Do you feel like your grandmother is someone who would listen and believe you?
Yes, it happened six years ago, but here's what will happen if you just try "not to worry about it" -- it will come back, again and again, in your mind, until you have been able to deal with it in some way. Twelve is an incredibly important age in the lives of young girls, and yours was traumatized. There are all kinds of way that that affects you in the years after the event.
One way you can talk to someone now is by calling the National Rape, Abuse & Incest National Hotline. If you call 1.800.656.HOPE, you will be connected to a person who knows what you are going through and is trained on how to help you. It's totally anonymous and confidential. Their website also gives a lot of information about them:
http://www.rainn.org/
They also have an online hotline -- someone you can chat with on the web, live. Again, it's confidential and anonymous. You just click on a link that connects you to the live chatline and it's like instant-messaging someone:
And on the question of whether you are a virgin or not -- I believe that yes, you are, in all the ways that count. Rape isn't about sex. Rape is violence. Your hymen may have been broken, but many women who are virgins have hymens that have broken -- through sports, for instance. You were a victim of forcible rape. That's not sex, it's violence. Remember that, ok? When you ultimately find someone you trust and you want to have sex with them, you may choose to tell them that at a young age you were abused by a family member and you still have some confidence issues because of it. But you don't have to go into it any further than that if you don't want to.
Does this help a little? I hope it does. You have been through something no girl or woman should ever go through. But it happens to about 1 out of every 6 women. That means there are a lot of girls and women who have been through what you are going through. You're not alone, even though it may feel that way in your family right now. You can work through this, OK?
If you'd like help finding a counselor where you live, you can click on my name at the top of this question (Diane P) and send me a private message telling me the city and state you're in. I'll be glad to help you in every way possible. Diane
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Hi, Anon, and welcome to EmpowHer. Your question is heartbreaking, and I'm so glad that you found us.
Anon 2, thank you for writing so honestly and generously about your experience. I know that what you wrote will not only help Anon, but will help others who read this thread and have had similar experiences.
To both of you, I want to say this: I'm so sorry this happened to you. It was 100% wrong, wrong, wrong, and neither of you were to blame. It's so sad to me that your cousin and your brother basically got away with this horrible act and the two of you are the ones made to suffer. You have each been victimized twice -- once when it happened, and a second time when you realized how your families would see it.
Anon1, you do need to tell someone, and I hope that writing here was your first step. It sounds, however, like the first person you tell should perhaps not be in your family. You are 17; does that mean you're in high school? Are you a junior or a senior? What would happen if you told your grandmother that you really need to see a counselor but that you don't yet want to talk about why?
I am assuming that the fact you are living with your grandmother means there are big family issues. Do you feel like your grandmother is someone who would listen and believe you?
Yes, it happened six years ago, but here's what will happen if you just try "not to worry about it" -- it will come back, again and again, in your mind, until you have been able to deal with it in some way. Twelve is an incredibly important age in the lives of young girls, and yours was traumatized. There are all kinds of way that that affects you in the years after the event.
One way you can talk to someone now is by calling the National Rape, Abuse & Incest National Hotline. If you call 1.800.656.HOPE, you will be connected to a person who knows what you are going through and is trained on how to help you. It's totally anonymous and confidential. Their website also gives a lot of information about them:
http://www.rainn.org/
They also have an online hotline -- someone you can chat with on the web, live. Again, it's confidential and anonymous. You just click on a link that connects you to the live chatline and it's like instant-messaging someone:
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
And on the question of whether you are a virgin or not -- I believe that yes, you are, in all the ways that count. Rape isn't about sex. Rape is violence. Your hymen may have been broken, but many women who are virgins have hymens that have broken -- through sports, for instance. You were a victim of forcible rape. That's not sex, it's violence. Remember that, ok? When you ultimately find someone you trust and you want to have sex with them, you may choose to tell them that at a young age you were abused by a family member and you still have some confidence issues because of it. But you don't have to go into it any further than that if you don't want to.
Does this help a little? I hope it does. You have been through something no girl or woman should ever go through. But it happens to about 1 out of every 6 women. That means there are a lot of girls and women who have been through what you are going through. You're not alone, even though it may feel that way in your family right now. You can work through this, OK?
If you'd like help finding a counselor where you live, you can click on my name at the top of this question (Diane P) and send me a private message telling me the city and state you're in. I'll be glad to help you in every way possible. Diane
August 3, 2009 - 8:54amThis Comment
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