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Hi new mom,

Yes---you are normal! This is very common for new moms, so please take the worry and guilt out of the equation...you have enough emotions going on right now.

Since you are feeling loving, affectionate and emotionally bonded with your daughter, that is a great sign. (and, you can feel angry, resentful or bored with her at times, too, and this is normal).

Just to rule out anything more obvious:
- Do you feel like your feelings are out-of-control, or have you ever felt like you are sad for no reason? Postpartum depression is extremely common, and is treatable.

Your feelings towards your fiance are normal, but also need to be addressed. Do you have any insight as to why you are feeling this way? Can you take a step back, and assess your situation? (If not, counseling would be wonderful to provide some perspective!). Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
1. Did you and your fiance plan to have a child? You may both be ecstatic now that she is here, but there could be some unresolved negative feelings if it was an unplanned pregnancy. This is OK to admit! Is your fiance equally bonding with your daughter?
2. Did your fiance provide all the necessary emotional and physical support for you during your pregnancy, labor and delivery? Do you have any resentment towards him for what you viewed as his lacking in any of these areas? Again, if you feel any negative feelings towards him for these reasons, acknowledging them is OK, in order for you to be able to address them and move forward in your relationship.
3. Is your fiance providing the necessary emotional, physical, financial support for you now, with a baby? Specifically: are you the sole caretaker of your daughter? Does he help around the house, with the baby?
4. How is your life outside of your relationship with your fiance? Do you have new mom friends? Do you have a good social support system of friends and family? Do you have alone time/rejuvenation time? Are you in contact with non-mom friends?
5. How is your relationship with your fiance in other ways. Do you still go on "date nights"? Do you still enjoy his company? Do you have physical intimacy that does not involve sex (this could be a big factor--can you be silly and give him a little pinch without being worried it will lead to sex)? I would personally take the "sex" out of the equation right now, and think: how is the rest of my relationship going?

A few thoughts for you:
1. Many new moms do not enjoy sex after having a baby. This is normal, particularly if you had a traumatic labor and delivery. Sex is what got you into that "state" in the first place, and your body could really be saying "enough!"
2. If you are breastfeeding, many moms feel that they are physically and emotionally "drained", and are "touched-out" by the end of the day. Even moms who did not breastfeed are physically and emotionally "touched out", as they are constantly in physical contact with another human being: holding, kissing, soothing, playing, feeding, changing, interacting, disciplining, teaching, talking....

How supportive is your fiance in not having intercourse for a while, until you feel more comfortable? Just taking that off the table may feel "freeing" and you can not play defense all the time--actually initiate some cuddle time and regain some of your compassion towards him. Do you feel he is empathetic and compassionate towards you? Does he understand what you are going through? I think if you keep "forcing" yourself to have sex when you clearly do not want to can make the situation worse; your body will equate a previously pleasurable experience into something that is tense, unwelcome, tolerated, painful, etc. Please challenge yourselves to come up with mutually enjoyable ways to be physically intimate with one another (even just a squeeze of one another's hand), while you get to the underlying issues.

Please seek counseling if you are open to this. It is very, very common what you are going through, and you may need to talk with a third uninvolved person about your situation.

Hope to hear back from you soon---I would love to keep talking with you about this. I've been in your shoes (my "baby" is now almost 3), and I remember not wanting to be physically intimate for almost a year. It was just too much, and having an understanding partner is crucial.

August 2, 2009 - 8:53am

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