Boy, Chemie, that's a hard question. And you're asking the right person. I've done long-distance a couple of times. It's never easy. And honestly, if a couple is committed to each other AND to their work, I'm not sure it's honestly ever completely out of the question.
Several years ago I had a job I absolutely loved and had worked probably 18 years to get. It was in journalism, and it was at a newspaper that's seen as being one of the best in the country. A few months later, my husband was transferred to another city. He had been with his company for many years and not taking the transfer would mean leaving the company.
Our choices were three: I leave my job, he leaves his job, or we live in separate cities. We had done the long distance thing before and had sworn we wouldn't do it again, because it's just so hard. So I do have huge empathy for you.
It took us days, no, weeks to make our decision. Since we had ruled out living in two cities, it was down to him or me. He was scared to lose his job. I was passionate about mine. We made lists. We had discussions, some that ended in tears, a couple that ended in arguments. We tried to commit first one way, then the other. There seemed to be no good way to make the decision.
Ultimately, we moved with his job. I honestly decided that I would make the transition easier than he would. In retrospect -- and I'm being honest here -- I wish we'd lived in separate cities for a while to see how it would have gone. Because about seven months into his transfer, his job was morphed into one he hated. If we'd had one foot in each world, it might have been easier to figure out, over the next few months, which end was working better.
Your question: Should I be doing something like that if he isn't willing to do the same? -- is a crucial one. I would answer it this way -- if he really, really isn't willing, then I'd say no, you shouldn't either, because the balance in the relationship is off. But if he is willing -- but just not crazy about the idea -- that's different, because it sort of leaves the ball in your court. Do you ask him to uproot again, or do you compromise and live long distance again?
Maybe, like I said, you just talk about the first year. You'll be studying your head off, and he'll be working with his schoolkids. It wouldn't be ideal -- but it would be a way to make it work. During that first year, the two of you could experience your new city on weekends, and he could even explore the schools there, with an eye on vacancies.
I guess what I'm saying is that at this point in your lives, neither of you should talk yourself into a corner. Instead, figure out what's really most important right now, and see if there's a way to talk about making it work.
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Boy, Chemie, that's a hard question. And you're asking the right person. I've done long-distance a couple of times. It's never easy. And honestly, if a couple is committed to each other AND to their work, I'm not sure it's honestly ever completely out of the question.
Several years ago I had a job I absolutely loved and had worked probably 18 years to get. It was in journalism, and it was at a newspaper that's seen as being one of the best in the country. A few months later, my husband was transferred to another city. He had been with his company for many years and not taking the transfer would mean leaving the company.
Our choices were three: I leave my job, he leaves his job, or we live in separate cities. We had done the long distance thing before and had sworn we wouldn't do it again, because it's just so hard. So I do have huge empathy for you.
It took us days, no, weeks to make our decision. Since we had ruled out living in two cities, it was down to him or me. He was scared to lose his job. I was passionate about mine. We made lists. We had discussions, some that ended in tears, a couple that ended in arguments. We tried to commit first one way, then the other. There seemed to be no good way to make the decision.
Ultimately, we moved with his job. I honestly decided that I would make the transition easier than he would. In retrospect -- and I'm being honest here -- I wish we'd lived in separate cities for a while to see how it would have gone. Because about seven months into his transfer, his job was morphed into one he hated. If we'd had one foot in each world, it might have been easier to figure out, over the next few months, which end was working better.
Your question: Should I be doing something like that if he isn't willing to do the same? -- is a crucial one. I would answer it this way -- if he really, really isn't willing, then I'd say no, you shouldn't either, because the balance in the relationship is off. But if he is willing -- but just not crazy about the idea -- that's different, because it sort of leaves the ball in your court. Do you ask him to uproot again, or do you compromise and live long distance again?
Maybe, like I said, you just talk about the first year. You'll be studying your head off, and he'll be working with his schoolkids. It wouldn't be ideal -- but it would be a way to make it work. During that first year, the two of you could experience your new city on weekends, and he could even explore the schools there, with an eye on vacancies.
I guess what I'm saying is that at this point in your lives, neither of you should talk yourself into a corner. Instead, figure out what's really most important right now, and see if there's a way to talk about making it work.
August 19, 2009 - 9:29amThis Comment
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