Fitgirl,
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult decision right now, but am I reading this correctly that your brain has made up its mind...your heart is not far along...and you are just looking for that last bit of reason to stay or go?
Of course, no one can tell you what to do, but we can sure ask you some questions. From what you describe, your current boyfriend has some negative traits that you are unsure if you want in your life anymore; I'm sure he also has some positive traits. In any relationship, as you know, it really comes down to what you want; what type of relationship do you feel you deserve. What is best for you and your awesome children? You can even make a list: how do you want to feel in a relationship most of the time? What type of person do you want in your life as a partner? Only you can answer these questions, but hopefully some of the words you use would include a person and life that makes you feel happy, joyful, fulfilled, respected, loved, healthy and connected.
A few red flags are concerning:
1. Many people think that "jealousy" or "isolation" (not seeing other friends) are acts of true love, whereas they are actually acts of power and control in an unhealthy relationship. Not allowing an adult to see friends (or using jealousy to manipulate the situation), to dictate who they see and when, can lead to more controlling behaviors: what they wear, what they read, where they go. Healthy adult relationships do not use jealousy to get the others' attention; it is not used as a reason to justify actions to isolate the other from their friends. When a healthy relationship includes friends (of both genders) in a relationship, it creates trust, respect and perspective. A relationship still includes two individuals who need to be interesting and curious about the world around them; to have outside involvement with others, their community and their environment.
2. How he treats your children. You already sound very concerned and disappointed by this, and how wonderful that you have a good role model in how another person who has a non-biological relationship with them should be treating them. Your ex's girlfriend is truly interested in them and their lives, and I believe you should expect nothing less from your partner.
Laslty, here is a wonderful chart on what a Healthy Relationship entails:
- The Equality Wheel is the ideal partnership/relationship, and contains fundamental elements for a healthy relationship:
http://www.ncdsv.org/publications_wheel.html
(Scroll down to "Equality Wheel" and click on underlined word: English)
You can also read what a relationship looks like that is dominated by power and control, by scrolling down to "Power and Control Wheel" and click on underlined word: English)
I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for! You sound like a very strong and smart woman, with amazing children, and we wish you the best. One woman shared a great quote from a previous post: "I have found that people treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve."
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Fitgirl,
I'm sorry you are going through this difficult decision right now, but am I reading this correctly that your brain has made up its mind...your heart is not far along...and you are just looking for that last bit of reason to stay or go?
Of course, no one can tell you what to do, but we can sure ask you some questions. From what you describe, your current boyfriend has some negative traits that you are unsure if you want in your life anymore; I'm sure he also has some positive traits. In any relationship, as you know, it really comes down to what you want; what type of relationship do you feel you deserve. What is best for you and your awesome children? You can even make a list: how do you want to feel in a relationship most of the time? What type of person do you want in your life as a partner? Only you can answer these questions, but hopefully some of the words you use would include a person and life that makes you feel happy, joyful, fulfilled, respected, loved, healthy and connected.
A few red flags are concerning:
1. Many people think that "jealousy" or "isolation" (not seeing other friends) are acts of true love, whereas they are actually acts of power and control in an unhealthy relationship. Not allowing an adult to see friends (or using jealousy to manipulate the situation), to dictate who they see and when, can lead to more controlling behaviors: what they wear, what they read, where they go. Healthy adult relationships do not use jealousy to get the others' attention; it is not used as a reason to justify actions to isolate the other from their friends. When a healthy relationship includes friends (of both genders) in a relationship, it creates trust, respect and perspective. A relationship still includes two individuals who need to be interesting and curious about the world around them; to have outside involvement with others, their community and their environment.
2. How he treats your children. You already sound very concerned and disappointed by this, and how wonderful that you have a good role model in how another person who has a non-biological relationship with them should be treating them. Your ex's girlfriend is truly interested in them and their lives, and I believe you should expect nothing less from your partner.
Laslty, here is a wonderful chart on what a Healthy Relationship entails:
- The Equality Wheel is the ideal partnership/relationship, and contains fundamental elements for a healthy relationship:
http://www.ncdsv.org/publications_wheel.html
(Scroll down to "Equality Wheel" and click on underlined word: English)
You can also read what a relationship looks like that is dominated by power and control, by scrolling down to "Power and Control Wheel" and click on underlined word: English)
I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for! You sound like a very strong and smart woman, with amazing children, and we wish you the best. One woman shared a great quote from a previous post: "I have found that people treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve."
August 20, 2009 - 12:11pmThis Comment
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