I'm so sorry you're in the middle of such a tough situation. But I can tell from what you write that you are smart, compassionate and have your priorities in the right place -- with your baby. The fact that you feel grateful to have a child and are already committed to how that child will or won't be raised is awesome. You are acting for both yourself and the baby now, so your actions are doubly important.
When I was about 18 months old, my mom left my dad because he was an alcoholic. Like you, there had just been one too many incidents, and she wasn't going to raise me in that home. She had to get a tiny apartment and go back to teaching. She had to find someone to watch me. She took me to public clinics for my vaccinations and scrimped every penny to take care of us. Of course I don't remember any of this, but as an adult, I respect her more than I can even write for having the courage to leave.
Our story ended this way -- my dad went to AA, got sober, and my mom allowed him back into our lives a few months later. But when she left him, she didn't know whether, or if, that would happen. She didn't give an ultimatum. She just said, we won't live here if you drink, and when he did, she left with me.
Susan is right -- if you wait until the baby is born, it will be so much harder to take charge of this situation. Are you getting good prenatal care? Do you have a job? If it would help, please tell us what city and state you are in, and we can help research resources for you.
I admire you for looking at the situation so honestly. Now you have to be courageous and act on it. Your boyfriend is right when he says that you can't tell him what to do. None of us can change another person. The other person has to want to change. If alcohol is more important to your boyfriend than you or your baby, it's good you know now. The controlling aspect of him is something that can get dangerously out of hand. Partners and parents need to be equals, and you and your baby deserve better.
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Anon,
I'm so sorry you're in the middle of such a tough situation. But I can tell from what you write that you are smart, compassionate and have your priorities in the right place -- with your baby. The fact that you feel grateful to have a child and are already committed to how that child will or won't be raised is awesome. You are acting for both yourself and the baby now, so your actions are doubly important.
When I was about 18 months old, my mom left my dad because he was an alcoholic. Like you, there had just been one too many incidents, and she wasn't going to raise me in that home. She had to get a tiny apartment and go back to teaching. She had to find someone to watch me. She took me to public clinics for my vaccinations and scrimped every penny to take care of us. Of course I don't remember any of this, but as an adult, I respect her more than I can even write for having the courage to leave.
Our story ended this way -- my dad went to AA, got sober, and my mom allowed him back into our lives a few months later. But when she left him, she didn't know whether, or if, that would happen. She didn't give an ultimatum. She just said, we won't live here if you drink, and when he did, she left with me.
Susan is right -- if you wait until the baby is born, it will be so much harder to take charge of this situation. Are you getting good prenatal care? Do you have a job? If it would help, please tell us what city and state you are in, and we can help research resources for you.
I admire you for looking at the situation so honestly. Now you have to be courageous and act on it. Your boyfriend is right when he says that you can't tell him what to do. None of us can change another person. The other person has to want to change. If alcohol is more important to your boyfriend than you or your baby, it's good you know now. The controlling aspect of him is something that can get dangerously out of hand. Partners and parents need to be equals, and you and your baby deserve better.
September 16, 2009 - 8:46amThis Comment
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