my whole life i was reinforced negatively that i was weird and something as wrong from the age of coherency. This fed the depression side of my bipolar. I just wanted to be good and try my best but it wasn't enough. My anxiety attacks in school were severely punished, my step dad beat me for symptoms, i ended up in foster care before anything was mentioned about there being a reason no discipline of any nature worked. I hated myself and i really believed everyone else did... so i attempted to be as thoughtful as possible in moments of clarity... probably more mixed messages for those around me unbeknownst. I was labeled adhd.... but the med sent me to a darker level and i did try and end it... suddenly i was aware and i couldn't talk... it was my hell. i felt the worst guilt i've ever experienced... for being myself. they suspected bipolar but who has time for a diagnosis when your 16.... i was free i met a guy just as intense as me and rushed my life away... we rode some fantastic highs together and then some highly dangerous lows... but we were teens so it was cool to be crazy then... then i had two babies with him in a row and i had to go... but i fell into postnatal psychosis and there was no sympathy... with no partner and my symptoms i was punished at first not aided. I lost my babies 3 x to foster care before i was stable and won.... a miracle in itself. i was never going to ever give up on my babies though... they will get the best of me... even if that's not quite as consistent as i desire it. I have a stable partner that really raises me up and sees the best in me and another child since. the symptoms although well managed surprise attack me daily.... i loathe not having control more so now i'm aware.... i feel i should hide from new people that once they know i'll be labeled an attention seeker... which get real... every human is in certain situations... it's probably not the biggest insult ever.... i don't play games for attention... but i seek affection from my partner etc.... but it's definately said in a derogatory manor to people, or i'll be putting it on... cause i love faking being an invalid right???? I agree that i do meert others and immediately scour for similarities... i've self diagnosed several and they rushed right to the docs for my cookie cut diagnosis... i found this page because i'm ashamed of what i've done which was essentially help an already diagnosed ptsd aspie hypochondriac and a substance abuser find a better excuse they can life with...surely they would have a history... i recently pulled out socially as my diagnosis was doubted by these... they separately became offended that i had good days i worked very hard for and thus wasn't as 'bad' as them. I wont be as rude as to say the flaws in it... it was my fault i convinced them i wanted kindred spirits more than anything... I'm disgraceful and i'm sure they'll go through life burdening the system feeling justified and owed. Doubting my diagnosis, like it matters whats wrong with me. i wanted to ring them up but they feel secure in the negitivity and frankly i never backtracked so fast... i began to hate how i was put my home life second feeling i owed my friends my time, which was never enough... nothing could make them better. i miss who they were greatly... upon discussion they were defensive and deflective. without a care for just hope overwhelmed or crippled i became at their guilt trips and my not good enough efforts that were taking away from what i could handle for my family. i know i was the problem... i do wish them the best and the independence they deprive themselves of... i wish them the ability to escape their vintage and to experience true joy and gratitude and not just the words... not always but overall. I just had to confess my desperation to not feel alone as had consequences... we shouldn't doubt each other... but we shouldn't play dr to comfort a fellow soul. i might of been right and maybe they just have the worst attitudes to it....but mostly i'm ashamed, i lost two important friendships albeit my choice for my family that could have flourished for better in a different way had i just kept my issues more personal.
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my whole life i was reinforced negatively that i was weird and something as wrong from the age of coherency. This fed the depression side of my bipolar. I just wanted to be good and try my best but it wasn't enough. My anxiety attacks in school were severely punished, my step dad beat me for symptoms, i ended up in foster care before anything was mentioned about there being a reason no discipline of any nature worked. I hated myself and i really believed everyone else did... so i attempted to be as thoughtful as possible in moments of clarity... probably more mixed messages for those around me unbeknownst. I was labeled adhd.... but the med sent me to a darker level and i did try and end it... suddenly i was aware and i couldn't talk... it was my hell. i felt the worst guilt i've ever experienced... for being myself. they suspected bipolar but who has time for a diagnosis when your 16.... i was free i met a guy just as intense as me and rushed my life away... we rode some fantastic highs together and then some highly dangerous lows... but we were teens so it was cool to be crazy then... then i had two babies with him in a row and i had to go... but i fell into postnatal psychosis and there was no sympathy... with no partner and my symptoms i was punished at first not aided. I lost my babies 3 x to foster care before i was stable and won.... a miracle in itself. i was never going to ever give up on my babies though... they will get the best of me... even if that's not quite as consistent as i desire it. I have a stable partner that really raises me up and sees the best in me and another child since. the symptoms although well managed surprise attack me daily.... i loathe not having control more so now i'm aware.... i feel i should hide from new people that once they know i'll be labeled an attention seeker... which get real... every human is in certain situations... it's probably not the biggest insult ever.... i don't play games for attention... but i seek affection from my partner etc.... but it's definately said in a derogatory manor to people, or i'll be putting it on... cause i love faking being an invalid right???? I agree that i do meert others and immediately scour for similarities... i've self diagnosed several and they rushed right to the docs for my cookie cut diagnosis... i found this page because i'm ashamed of what i've done which was essentially help an already diagnosed ptsd aspie hypochondriac and a substance abuser find a better excuse they can life with...surely they would have a history... i recently pulled out socially as my diagnosis was doubted by these... they separately became offended that i had good days i worked very hard for and thus wasn't as 'bad' as them. I wont be as rude as to say the flaws in it... it was my fault i convinced them i wanted kindred spirits more than anything... I'm disgraceful and i'm sure they'll go through life burdening the system feeling justified and owed. Doubting my diagnosis, like it matters whats wrong with me. i wanted to ring them up but they feel secure in the negitivity and frankly i never backtracked so fast... i began to hate how i was put my home life second feeling i owed my friends my time, which was never enough... nothing could make them better. i miss who they were greatly... upon discussion they were defensive and deflective. without a care for just hope overwhelmed or crippled i became at their guilt trips and my not good enough efforts that were taking away from what i could handle for my family. i know i was the problem... i do wish them the best and the independence they deprive themselves of... i wish them the ability to escape their vintage and to experience true joy and gratitude and not just the words... not always but overall. I just had to confess my desperation to not feel alone as had consequences... we shouldn't doubt each other... but we shouldn't play dr to comfort a fellow soul. i might of been right and maybe they just have the worst attitudes to it....but mostly i'm ashamed, i lost two important friendships albeit my choice for my family that could have flourished for better in a different way had i just kept my issues more personal.
October 10, 2016 - 8:35amThis Comment
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