I've been in your shoes. I am married but not a mom. I love children -- my husband and I have 15 nieces and nephews to dote on -- but my life is not ABOUT children. And when my girlfriends who are moms were getting pregnant and having babies, it seemed that there was nothing, absolutely nothing in their lives more interesting to them than their morning sickness, or their due date, or other women's labor stories, or whether-they-would-work-or-stay-home-after-the-baby, or what their toddler did in the restaurant last night, etc. There was no book more important to them than "What To Expect When You're Expecting." Once the baby(ies) arrive, no movie that doesn't have animation in it ever gets seen. And when the kids start school, there are parent-teacher meetings and strep throat and report cards and soccer practices. Through it all, you can listen and even enjoy the stories, but you have none of your own to offer (and somehow, jumping in there to tell the story of how the dog chewed up your shoe yesterday doesn't seem to fit the bill).
For a while, having children is just all-consuming. It's the reality I lived through and it's the one you're in the middle of. So for a while, if you need your girlfriends, you are going to have to find your new space in their lives, and that new space is smaller. It just is. They just may not be able to get away and chat over a glass of wine like you used to. You may have to say, "Can I come over some afternoon and hang out with you and the baby?" or "Can you bring the baby in a stroller and let's wander around the arts festival on Saturday morning?" or "I'd love to come watch her soccer practice sometime." Those kinds of gestures mean the world.
Some women seem to "disappear" into being a mom -- they suddenly feel that they are the least important person in their own household, behind the kids and the husband and the doctor's appointments and all. They sometimes feel lucky to get a shower in during the day, because everything that everyone else needs seems more important than themselves. So girlfriend time gets scrunched way down the list.
But I'm sure your friends miss you, too. They may also be having trouble reconnecting, since all their brains can do right now is (a) keep up with the kids and (b) try to get some sleep. But it does get better. As the kids get a little older (and you don't have to wait until they're college age!), you'll find that those moms -- your girlfriends -- NEED more time away from them. They will still love everything about you that they always loved. They will still laugh at things they always laughed at.
And they will treasure you more, because you will be one of the people who understands how much their children mean to them.
But you're in a hard spot at the moment, and it feels lonely. You'll have to make the bigger effort if you want them in your life, for right now.
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Lilypad,
I've been in your shoes. I am married but not a mom. I love children -- my husband and I have 15 nieces and nephews to dote on -- but my life is not ABOUT children. And when my girlfriends who are moms were getting pregnant and having babies, it seemed that there was nothing, absolutely nothing in their lives more interesting to them than their morning sickness, or their due date, or other women's labor stories, or whether-they-would-work-or-stay-home-after-the-baby, or what their toddler did in the restaurant last night, etc. There was no book more important to them than "What To Expect When You're Expecting." Once the baby(ies) arrive, no movie that doesn't have animation in it ever gets seen. And when the kids start school, there are parent-teacher meetings and strep throat and report cards and soccer practices. Through it all, you can listen and even enjoy the stories, but you have none of your own to offer (and somehow, jumping in there to tell the story of how the dog chewed up your shoe yesterday doesn't seem to fit the bill).
For a while, having children is just all-consuming. It's the reality I lived through and it's the one you're in the middle of. So for a while, if you need your girlfriends, you are going to have to find your new space in their lives, and that new space is smaller. It just is. They just may not be able to get away and chat over a glass of wine like you used to. You may have to say, "Can I come over some afternoon and hang out with you and the baby?" or "Can you bring the baby in a stroller and let's wander around the arts festival on Saturday morning?" or "I'd love to come watch her soccer practice sometime." Those kinds of gestures mean the world.
Some women seem to "disappear" into being a mom -- they suddenly feel that they are the least important person in their own household, behind the kids and the husband and the doctor's appointments and all. They sometimes feel lucky to get a shower in during the day, because everything that everyone else needs seems more important than themselves. So girlfriend time gets scrunched way down the list.
But I'm sure your friends miss you, too. They may also be having trouble reconnecting, since all their brains can do right now is (a) keep up with the kids and (b) try to get some sleep. But it does get better. As the kids get a little older (and you don't have to wait until they're college age!), you'll find that those moms -- your girlfriends -- NEED more time away from them. They will still love everything about you that they always loved. They will still laugh at things they always laughed at.
And they will treasure you more, because you will be one of the people who understands how much their children mean to them.
But you're in a hard spot at the moment, and it feels lonely. You'll have to make the bigger effort if you want them in your life, for right now.
September 28, 2009 - 9:45amThis Comment
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