Your situation is very, very common...if that helps to ease some of your worry. Many women are unable to have orgasm during penetration, as the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman's body, and (unfortunately..ha ha) the man's penis is not in the shape of an "L" to penetrate at the same time it stimulates your clitoris. Many women use manual stimulation, sex toys (such as a vibrator) or woman-on-top position to be able to stimulate the clitoris...and this takes time and practice and relaxation (you can't "force" an orgasm). Other women use these methods either before or after penetration.
So...as far as "what's wrong with me, why can't I have an orgasm during sex?", the answer is "nothing is wrong with you---you are like most women!". I will send some links to similar conversations, as well as a few medical experts have weighed-in on this topic.
Unfortunately, women have expectations that they are supposed to have an orgasm, and that the man is expecting them to have one. I would even argue that you may not have an orgasm with your partner while you are so focused/worried/anxious about not having one...so much that you are faking it. Much of sexual arousal is in our minds (for both men and women), and I fear that your negative judgement of yourself or comparing yourself to other women (or, what you think other women are experiencing and you are not) may be inhibiting some of your ability to relax and find the true, pure joy of being intimate...without expectations, judgments, or forced outcomes. Does that all make sense?
Your second concern regarding your being uninterested in sex can have a few different "causes". Based on your message that you feel silly initiating sex (we all have!!), feeling inadequate or that something is wrong with you, and needing alcohol for "liquid courage" may be all there is to your underlying "causes" of why you are uninterested in sex.
One thing you did not mention---once you are having sex with the love-of-your-life, do you find physical pleasure from it? Is there any pain before, during or after?
A few reasons why women feel uninterested in sex are for the reasons I've hinted at above: unrealistic expectations of what sex is supposed to be like, comparing yourself to other women (real or in movies), judging yourself in a negative way, having pain before/during/after sex (your body may associate pain with sex). Other reasons can include hormonal imbalance, previous traumatic sexual experience, disinterest in current partner, excessive stress or other lifestyle factor (it's difficult to feel sexy after a big, heavy, fried meal, for instance!).
Lastly, you may want to step back and evaluate how you feel before sex. Are you properly aroused? Are you trying to get sex "over with" to please your partner? Is your partner taking his time to physically arouse you (not just in-the-moment, but throughout the day with tender non-sexual touches, helping with chores or errands, etc?).
Hope to hear back from you soon, and I will send you some links!
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Your situation is very, very common...if that helps to ease some of your worry. Many women are unable to have orgasm during penetration, as the clitoris is the most sensitive part of a woman's body, and (unfortunately..ha ha) the man's penis is not in the shape of an "L" to penetrate at the same time it stimulates your clitoris. Many women use manual stimulation, sex toys (such as a vibrator) or woman-on-top position to be able to stimulate the clitoris...and this takes time and practice and relaxation (you can't "force" an orgasm). Other women use these methods either before or after penetration.
So...as far as "what's wrong with me, why can't I have an orgasm during sex?", the answer is "nothing is wrong with you---you are like most women!". I will send some links to similar conversations, as well as a few medical experts have weighed-in on this topic.
Unfortunately, women have expectations that they are supposed to have an orgasm, and that the man is expecting them to have one. I would even argue that you may not have an orgasm with your partner while you are so focused/worried/anxious about not having one...so much that you are faking it. Much of sexual arousal is in our minds (for both men and women), and I fear that your negative judgement of yourself or comparing yourself to other women (or, what you think other women are experiencing and you are not) may be inhibiting some of your ability to relax and find the true, pure joy of being intimate...without expectations, judgments, or forced outcomes. Does that all make sense?
Your second concern regarding your being uninterested in sex can have a few different "causes". Based on your message that you feel silly initiating sex (we all have!!), feeling inadequate or that something is wrong with you, and needing alcohol for "liquid courage" may be all there is to your underlying "causes" of why you are uninterested in sex.
One thing you did not mention---once you are having sex with the love-of-your-life, do you find physical pleasure from it? Is there any pain before, during or after?
A few reasons why women feel uninterested in sex are for the reasons I've hinted at above: unrealistic expectations of what sex is supposed to be like, comparing yourself to other women (real or in movies), judging yourself in a negative way, having pain before/during/after sex (your body may associate pain with sex). Other reasons can include hormonal imbalance, previous traumatic sexual experience, disinterest in current partner, excessive stress or other lifestyle factor (it's difficult to feel sexy after a big, heavy, fried meal, for instance!).
Lastly, you may want to step back and evaluate how you feel before sex. Are you properly aroused? Are you trying to get sex "over with" to please your partner? Is your partner taking his time to physically arouse you (not just in-the-moment, but throughout the day with tender non-sexual touches, helping with chores or errands, etc?).
Hope to hear back from you soon, and I will send you some links!
October 20, 2009 - 1:27pmThis Comment
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