I just saw and responded to your original posting on my other article. And I'm glad to see you decided you had more to say here on this one. I have seen the same phenomenon -- a parent who was busy avoiding contact with people including his family all their lives ... and is now vulnerable and in a nursing home. He knows he is lucky to have some family who will come see him several times a week -- especially since everyone concerned knows he would never have done the same favour for any of the family.
Something I noticed in your posting that I wanted to bring out a bit -- You said "I will post my original comment below for context, not to make it all about me." Spoken like a true NT child of an Aspie parent:)
I notice these things because ... well, it's evidence of a life that's been spent knowing that nothing is all about you. It's all about somebody else -- in this case, your mother. You should not expect to be the center focus, even for a minute. You should not even give the appearance of it and if you do, you'd best explain that you didn't mean for it to happen and give evidence to prove this.
Because the way you grew up convinced you that even though you may have wished that sometimes it could be about you, this was not allowed and you were not a good person for even wishing it.
But here's the thing about all that. It's perfectly OK for things to be about you sometimes -- maybe even ALL about you sometimes. And maybe even a LOT of times:) People who are good for you will agree with that. People who are bothered by such a thing are selfish and will only help to continue propagating the lie that you are not worth the attention and that you are selfish to want it, seek it out or enjoy it.
One other thing I noticed. You said "I don't feel sorry for them, and that in itself has had me in the therapist's chair plenty of times - what is wrong with me?"
I can understand why you sought out therapy, because feeling that way about your own reactions needed sorting. And hopefully the therapy was good and healthy and reassured you that in point of fact not being sorry for someone even a parent, is not an indicator that something is wrong with you. Sounds to me like you are simply very clear-eyed about what you are seeing.
It's OK to see her as she is as a person, it is not required in order to be a good person that you are "loyal" to her in every respect. How you feel is your own business, and people have negative feelings about other people -- sometimes especially family:) Especially when that family member has been callous, indifferent, self-absorbed and leaning heavily on people (like their children) who they did not bother to spend time building a relationship with.
Many children of Aspie parents spend a great deal of time apologizing for everything under the sun. Sometimes even for their own existence or needs. It is a hallmark of such children. The realization that such apologies are not needed and are not even desired by healthy and kind people can be a step along the way to wholeness and acceptance of self in a new way.
I hope some of this may be of use to you. I know you are on a journey that can seem very complicated and learning new ways. I think you will do well:)
Comment Reply
Hello again:)
I just saw and responded to your original posting on my other article. And I'm glad to see you decided you had more to say here on this one. I have seen the same phenomenon -- a parent who was busy avoiding contact with people including his family all their lives ... and is now vulnerable and in a nursing home. He knows he is lucky to have some family who will come see him several times a week -- especially since everyone concerned knows he would never have done the same favour for any of the family.
Something I noticed in your posting that I wanted to bring out a bit -- You said "I will post my original comment below for context, not to make it all about me." Spoken like a true NT child of an Aspie parent:)
I notice these things because ... well, it's evidence of a life that's been spent knowing that nothing is all about you. It's all about somebody else -- in this case, your mother. You should not expect to be the center focus, even for a minute. You should not even give the appearance of it and if you do, you'd best explain that you didn't mean for it to happen and give evidence to prove this.
Because the way you grew up convinced you that even though you may have wished that sometimes it could be about you, this was not allowed and you were not a good person for even wishing it.
But here's the thing about all that. It's perfectly OK for things to be about you sometimes -- maybe even ALL about you sometimes. And maybe even a LOT of times:) People who are good for you will agree with that. People who are bothered by such a thing are selfish and will only help to continue propagating the lie that you are not worth the attention and that you are selfish to want it, seek it out or enjoy it.
One other thing I noticed. You said "I don't feel sorry for them, and that in itself has had me in the therapist's chair plenty of times - what is wrong with me?"
I can understand why you sought out therapy, because feeling that way about your own reactions needed sorting. And hopefully the therapy was good and healthy and reassured you that in point of fact not being sorry for someone even a parent, is not an indicator that something is wrong with you. Sounds to me like you are simply very clear-eyed about what you are seeing.
It's OK to see her as she is as a person, it is not required in order to be a good person that you are "loyal" to her in every respect. How you feel is your own business, and people have negative feelings about other people -- sometimes especially family:) Especially when that family member has been callous, indifferent, self-absorbed and leaning heavily on people (like their children) who they did not bother to spend time building a relationship with.
Many children of Aspie parents spend a great deal of time apologizing for everything under the sun. Sometimes even for their own existence or needs. It is a hallmark of such children. The realization that such apologies are not needed and are not even desired by healthy and kind people can be a step along the way to wholeness and acceptance of self in a new way.
I hope some of this may be of use to you. I know you are on a journey that can seem very complicated and learning new ways. I think you will do well:)
March 20, 2018 - 7:34amThis Comment
Reply