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(reply to Anonymous)

Anon,

I am very concerned, both about your original question and your updates. From what you say, you are with a controlling, abusive man. And your fears are keeping you with him.

Why are you scared to go to work, or talk to a stranger? Can you talk a little more about that?

Controlling partners want control of everything. They get angry at little things and at big things. They want to isolate you -- because they know their behavior is not acceptable out in the world. They dont' want you to have friends, because the friends may influence you. They dont' want you in the working world because they are afraid it will make you more independent. And they always control the home -- everything from what they want for dinner to how the sex life is.

Has he ever hit you, Anon? Does he call you names?

I sense that you are a smart and thoughtful person. You clearly know that it's not right to be treated like this, but you aren't sure what to do. If you knew you could leave him, would you? There are plenty of places that will help a woman in an abusive situation. We would be so happy to help you find places that will help you find a safe place, find a job and take some small steps toward a life of your own.

Where are you (city and state)? I would be glad to give you some names and numbers of places in your area.

Here is one EmpowHer page on domestic abuse and how to recognize it in different stages (it usually escalates over time):

https://www.empowher.com/media/reference/domestic-violence-recognizing-abuse

And here is some more information originally written by another one of our EmpowHer guides, Susan C:

Help Guide.org has a list of signs and symptoms of domestic violence. You can read them all here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_caus...

Nobody deserves to be mistreated, verbally abused, intimidated, threatened or hit - for any reason. For ANY reason! It is not normal, it is not a part of life we just have to live with and there is help for everyone - including children. We need to be aware that adults who batter other adults in the home are also far more likely to batter children. Children are not 'better off' remaining in in-tact homes where there is violence. They are likely to become victims themselves or repeat the violence they witness. We need to end the cycle.

If you need help, or know someone who does, here is further information:

The National Domestic Violence Helpline -
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

This toll free number is available in all 50 states with translation available and help is offered for both men and women. Visit their website here: http://www.ndvh.org/

The Feminist Majority Foundation offers a detailed list of shelters, hotlines, networks and phone numbers in all 50 states. You can find all this here: www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html

Anon, please write back, tell us a little more about why you are scared to work or to go out?

November 4, 2009 - 8:31am

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