Thanks so much for writing back. It helps me understand you more since you find connection difficult due to your background. Please know that it's not just because you are adopted. Many many mothers and their adopted children form a wonderful bond. It may just be that your mom wasn't able to do that, and she has made you feel less wanted and less lovable because of it. And now, where you are in a relationship where the connection is also not the best, you find it hard to believe that there could be anything better.
You would not lose everything if you left him. You are losing things -- self-esteem, love, time -- by keepign the relationship as it is. And he is trying to control you. I think that the puppy is a perfect example. If someone really loved you, they would either keep the dog themselves or allow the puppy to go with you. They would not hold the puppy over your head and threaten both your happiness and the well-being of the puppy in order to control your behavior.
I think going out for a drink and a chat once a week is a wonderful idea. It can be the beginning of more and better communication between the two of you. But it's the in-between times I worry about. None of us has the right to control another person, and he should not be treating you like you are his child. Is there any way that you can see a therapist or a counselor -- even for a few visits -- so that you have more tools to use in this relationship?
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Anon,
Thanks so much for writing back. It helps me understand you more since you find connection difficult due to your background. Please know that it's not just because you are adopted. Many many mothers and their adopted children form a wonderful bond. It may just be that your mom wasn't able to do that, and she has made you feel less wanted and less lovable because of it. And now, where you are in a relationship where the connection is also not the best, you find it hard to believe that there could be anything better.
You would not lose everything if you left him. You are losing things -- self-esteem, love, time -- by keepign the relationship as it is. And he is trying to control you. I think that the puppy is a perfect example. If someone really loved you, they would either keep the dog themselves or allow the puppy to go with you. They would not hold the puppy over your head and threaten both your happiness and the well-being of the puppy in order to control your behavior.
I think going out for a drink and a chat once a week is a wonderful idea. It can be the beginning of more and better communication between the two of you. But it's the in-between times I worry about. None of us has the right to control another person, and he should not be treating you like you are his child. Is there any way that you can see a therapist or a counselor -- even for a few visits -- so that you have more tools to use in this relationship?
November 26, 2009 - 10:01amThis Comment
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