Welcome to EmpowHer, and thank you so much for writing. I appreciate your giving us the full picture, and I know it wasn't easy to write.
For a moment, let's put the porn aside. Just for a moment. Let's look at the rest of the relationship.
You've been together 3.5 years, so by my math that's since you were about 17 and he was about 20, is that about right? That's very young to get into the major relationship of your life, lonesome. You were perfectly right in wanting to make sure that things are right before you commit to marry. I understand how the pressure made you give in, but before that, I want to applaud you on your instinct to get some primary issues sorted out before marriage. Not just debt, but partners also need to agree on things like children, religion, their careers and so on.
You say the religious reasons came "out of nowhere." Do you have any hint of where they started? Is it a religion he grew up in, or one he recently converted to? Was sex the only thing that changed here, or did he also start going to church or observing other religious customs? I ask because I'm trying to learn why it was important enough to him at this point to change a very important part of your life as a couple together. It's hard to embrace abstinence when you have already been sexually active with someone, so clearly it must have meant something to him.
When he said you either needed to marry him or call it quits, do you have a sense of whether he really meant that, or was just trying to manipulate you? Someone who really loved you would have listened to your concerns and tried to talk about them and help solve them, not throw them back in your face. It sounds to me like you were trying to be responsible about debt and the future and that it hit a sore spot with your boyfriend. (Maybe at that point, he saw getting married as a chance to get back to a normal sex life?)
And then when you said OK and the rush suddenly was off, this causes me to want to take three steps back. To me, this feels very manipulative and somewhat passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Of course I only have your side of it, and I don't know what other pressures he might have been under at the time. But you have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of relationship you want to live with for the rest of your life: argumentative, and somewhat cold.
So even without the porn, Lonesome1, this doesn't feel very promising.
Now, let's get back to the porn. In addition to all of the above, he has a problem with porn. The great news is that he told you about it and that he's admitted to you (and to himself) that he has a problem. The bad news is that now he needs some sort of help for it, and it doesn't sound like he wants to pursue that. Women in porn films and pictures are always willing and available, and they don't talk back. They don't talk about financial issues or family issues or whether someone took out the trash. They are simply there for gratification, and then they go away. And the worrisome thing is that an addiction can get worse and worse until it destroys almost everything in a person's life, if they let it.
Do you think he is serious about getting help? I would be glad to refer you to some websites if you think he might be interested in them, but it sounds like he made it sort of clear that he's not interested. Do you consider leaving? Would he consider seeing a counselor?
I know this all seems like a bit of a mess right now, but see it clearly: A man who used to be loving and kind has become irritable and unkind. A man who used to have a good sex life with you is now immersed in porn. A man who wanted to marry you now seems to think the entire thing is devalued. And a man who says religion is important to him is spending his life with porn.
Seen that way, I want to tell you to think about what's best for YOU. Not him, and not the relationship, but for YOU. Do you have friends that you talk to about this? Would you consider going to therapy for yourself to help you sort out what you want in life?
I can tell that at 21, you are thoughtful, responsible and a very caring soul. Do not tether yourself forever to someone who seems to be toxic right now. And figure out a way to take care of YOU, first.
Please write back and tell me a little more about the questions I've asked. And know that you are not alone, Lonesome1.
Comment Reply
Lonesome1,
Welcome to EmpowHer, and thank you so much for writing. I appreciate your giving us the full picture, and I know it wasn't easy to write.
For a moment, let's put the porn aside. Just for a moment. Let's look at the rest of the relationship.
You've been together 3.5 years, so by my math that's since you were about 17 and he was about 20, is that about right? That's very young to get into the major relationship of your life, lonesome. You were perfectly right in wanting to make sure that things are right before you commit to marry. I understand how the pressure made you give in, but before that, I want to applaud you on your instinct to get some primary issues sorted out before marriage. Not just debt, but partners also need to agree on things like children, religion, their careers and so on.
You say the religious reasons came "out of nowhere." Do you have any hint of where they started? Is it a religion he grew up in, or one he recently converted to? Was sex the only thing that changed here, or did he also start going to church or observing other religious customs? I ask because I'm trying to learn why it was important enough to him at this point to change a very important part of your life as a couple together. It's hard to embrace abstinence when you have already been sexually active with someone, so clearly it must have meant something to him.
When he said you either needed to marry him or call it quits, do you have a sense of whether he really meant that, or was just trying to manipulate you? Someone who really loved you would have listened to your concerns and tried to talk about them and help solve them, not throw them back in your face. It sounds to me like you were trying to be responsible about debt and the future and that it hit a sore spot with your boyfriend. (Maybe at that point, he saw getting married as a chance to get back to a normal sex life?)
And then when you said OK and the rush suddenly was off, this causes me to want to take three steps back. To me, this feels very manipulative and somewhat passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Of course I only have your side of it, and I don't know what other pressures he might have been under at the time. But you have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of relationship you want to live with for the rest of your life: argumentative, and somewhat cold.
So even without the porn, Lonesome1, this doesn't feel very promising.
Now, let's get back to the porn. In addition to all of the above, he has a problem with porn. The great news is that he told you about it and that he's admitted to you (and to himself) that he has a problem. The bad news is that now he needs some sort of help for it, and it doesn't sound like he wants to pursue that. Women in porn films and pictures are always willing and available, and they don't talk back. They don't talk about financial issues or family issues or whether someone took out the trash. They are simply there for gratification, and then they go away. And the worrisome thing is that an addiction can get worse and worse until it destroys almost everything in a person's life, if they let it.
Do you think he is serious about getting help? I would be glad to refer you to some websites if you think he might be interested in them, but it sounds like he made it sort of clear that he's not interested. Do you consider leaving? Would he consider seeing a counselor?
I know this all seems like a bit of a mess right now, but see it clearly: A man who used to be loving and kind has become irritable and unkind. A man who used to have a good sex life with you is now immersed in porn. A man who wanted to marry you now seems to think the entire thing is devalued. And a man who says religion is important to him is spending his life with porn.
Seen that way, I want to tell you to think about what's best for YOU. Not him, and not the relationship, but for YOU. Do you have friends that you talk to about this? Would you consider going to therapy for yourself to help you sort out what you want in life?
I can tell that at 21, you are thoughtful, responsible and a very caring soul. Do not tether yourself forever to someone who seems to be toxic right now. And figure out a way to take care of YOU, first.
Please write back and tell me a little more about the questions I've asked. And know that you are not alone, Lonesome1.
November 30, 2009 - 8:23amThis Comment
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