Hi Diane,
Thanks so much for your comment, It is nice to talk to someone completely unrelated to the situation. I will try to answer some of you questions:
We have been together for 3.5 years and I was 21 when he asked me to marry him, I am 22 now and was 19 when we started dating.
His religion is something he has grown up in, somewhat, I always knew what he believed but the no sex because of it came out of nowhere. Never in his life did he practice abstinence. The sex was the only major thing that changed, well he did also quit drinking ( he wasn't a drinker to begin with but he stopped having drinks alltogther). He did go to church but it was a here and there thing not a consistant every Sunday thing. I think he was trying to establish that his beliefs were shared and that I was a comitted to them as he was.
This next part about Marry or call it quits is a very hard one that I am still trying to pick apart myself. Only because he seems manipulating in other ways and I am trying to figure out if it is manipulation or not. He basically told me that he was not leaving and that if I wanted to stay with him at all it would have to be as his wife. He said that he didn't understand why I did not want to marry him if i was already committed what would be the difference. I asked him the same question, because really he was the one who seemed to have the problem with our committed relationship and he basically said that he wanted to be right with God and that we should be married since we are living together. He listened to my concerns but didn't think they were serious issues and said that us being married was more important. I forgot to mention in the last post how he always wants me to put him first, even before my family because he is now my family and should be put first. But on the same note still has not told his parents that he wishes to marry me. He wants me to make it clear to my family that he is my life partner but hasn't done the same for me. When I expressed this to him he says I am selfish because he rarely talks to his mom and for me to ask him to talk about me is selfish. and that the reason he hasn't told his family is because he does not want them to feel guilty that they can't be here for his wedding. (they live about a $1000 flight away and are very far from being able to afford it)
It's funny that you said Passive-Agressive because I have been trying to do some research about his behaviour and have crossed the Passive-Aggressive term before. I feel that he can be manipulative but I am at a point now where I don't know if it's him or me anymore. He says that I am the manipulator and that I change words in our arguments to suit my side. and I can't figure out if these are things I do or if he is just convincing me that I do them. Sometimes when we get in an argument over something stupid I will say " I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything" and he'll say " oh stop talking like your a battered wife or something, there are women out there who got it way worse" or something along those lines. And then I tell him he is being ridiculous and that I wasn't talking like that. But then later I will question myself and say "well was I talking like that?".
As for the Porn, I think he is serious about helping himself. I don't think he is serious about working with me or anyone else to figure it out. And I mentioned in the last post how we watched a video on it and In that video some of the wives talked about how thier husbands addictions affected thier self image and yet everytime I bring it up he tells me that my self image is not his fault and that I am trying to turn his problem into a problem about me.
I consider leaving all of the time but the alternatives suck! I have been ready to leave many times in the past and he gets really nasty about who gets what and " oh so your gonna go and live alone in your little room for rent, let see how good that makes you feel" and "so what, your planning on leaving me and fixing yourself for someone else? why dont you fix yourself now for me?"
He would consider see one, but i don't think it would help, he wouldn't take him/her seriously and would just leave the way he came in.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, I don't have any friends at all. I don't really want to talk to my family because I don't want to give him a bad image or have thier advise be biased. I have considered many times going to therapy for myself but I know that if that helps me make a decsion on where my life is going and it ends up being without him he won't accept it as my decision and will blame the therapist for brainwashing me.
I really don't know if it is him making me so unhappy, I can't figure any of it out on my own and I guess I am just terrified that if I leave and realize it wasn't him and I made a mistake that I can't take back and then have to live with that regret.
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Hi Diane,
November 30, 2009 - 12:55pmThanks so much for your comment, It is nice to talk to someone completely unrelated to the situation. I will try to answer some of you questions:
We have been together for 3.5 years and I was 21 when he asked me to marry him, I am 22 now and was 19 when we started dating.
His religion is something he has grown up in, somewhat, I always knew what he believed but the no sex because of it came out of nowhere. Never in his life did he practice abstinence. The sex was the only major thing that changed, well he did also quit drinking ( he wasn't a drinker to begin with but he stopped having drinks alltogther). He did go to church but it was a here and there thing not a consistant every Sunday thing. I think he was trying to establish that his beliefs were shared and that I was a comitted to them as he was.
This next part about Marry or call it quits is a very hard one that I am still trying to pick apart myself. Only because he seems manipulating in other ways and I am trying to figure out if it is manipulation or not. He basically told me that he was not leaving and that if I wanted to stay with him at all it would have to be as his wife. He said that he didn't understand why I did not want to marry him if i was already committed what would be the difference. I asked him the same question, because really he was the one who seemed to have the problem with our committed relationship and he basically said that he wanted to be right with God and that we should be married since we are living together. He listened to my concerns but didn't think they were serious issues and said that us being married was more important. I forgot to mention in the last post how he always wants me to put him first, even before my family because he is now my family and should be put first. But on the same note still has not told his parents that he wishes to marry me. He wants me to make it clear to my family that he is my life partner but hasn't done the same for me. When I expressed this to him he says I am selfish because he rarely talks to his mom and for me to ask him to talk about me is selfish. and that the reason he hasn't told his family is because he does not want them to feel guilty that they can't be here for his wedding. (they live about a $1000 flight away and are very far from being able to afford it)
It's funny that you said Passive-Agressive because I have been trying to do some research about his behaviour and have crossed the Passive-Aggressive term before. I feel that he can be manipulative but I am at a point now where I don't know if it's him or me anymore. He says that I am the manipulator and that I change words in our arguments to suit my side. and I can't figure out if these are things I do or if he is just convincing me that I do them. Sometimes when we get in an argument over something stupid I will say " I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything" and he'll say " oh stop talking like your a battered wife or something, there are women out there who got it way worse" or something along those lines. And then I tell him he is being ridiculous and that I wasn't talking like that. But then later I will question myself and say "well was I talking like that?".
As for the Porn, I think he is serious about helping himself. I don't think he is serious about working with me or anyone else to figure it out. And I mentioned in the last post how we watched a video on it and In that video some of the wives talked about how thier husbands addictions affected thier self image and yet everytime I bring it up he tells me that my self image is not his fault and that I am trying to turn his problem into a problem about me.
I consider leaving all of the time but the alternatives suck! I have been ready to leave many times in the past and he gets really nasty about who gets what and " oh so your gonna go and live alone in your little room for rent, let see how good that makes you feel" and "so what, your planning on leaving me and fixing yourself for someone else? why dont you fix yourself now for me?"
He would consider see one, but i don't think it would help, he wouldn't take him/her seriously and would just leave the way he came in.
I don't have any friends to talk to about this, I don't have any friends at all. I don't really want to talk to my family because I don't want to give him a bad image or have thier advise be biased. I have considered many times going to therapy for myself but I know that if that helps me make a decsion on where my life is going and it ends up being without him he won't accept it as my decision and will blame the therapist for brainwashing me.
I really don't know if it is him making me so unhappy, I can't figure any of it out on my own and I guess I am just terrified that if I leave and realize it wasn't him and I made a mistake that I can't take back and then have to live with that regret.
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