Hi, Anon. Thanks so much for giving us some more information.
This is a tough situation for you, I know. I'm glad you've been able to talk openly about it, but I'm sorry that yor boyfriend "doesn't seem to care." And that you "just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me."
Do you think that he really feels that way? If so, Anon, I am not sure this relationship can survive. In order to work through a sexual issue like this, both people have to want to do it. Yes, some things ARE private, but "private" includes your sexual partner/life partner.
Something has to happen here. The way I see it, it's one of the following:
1. You adapt to this as a permanent way of life as long as you're with him, or
2. He agrees to work on the problem with you and possibly with a doctor, or
3. Things stay as they are, and the relationship slowly deteriorates because of it.
Like Alison, I can't know if your boyfriend is being "selfish." To me, selfish implies some sort of intention or deliberate choice. I think more likely is the fact that he doesn't know what to do and doesn't like the possibility of seeing a doctor or a counselor. And right now, he has everything he wants -- in other words, there's no actual reason for him to change. It seems like your feelings about this issue are not enough.
You didn't mention how old your boyfriend is. I'm wondering, since he's never been able to ejaculate from intercourse, how long this has been going on for him.
One possible issue is that the manual stimulation you give your boyfriend simulates masturbation. Web MD says that manual stimulation -- with its intensity, pressure and friction -- may actually be part of the culprit in a man not being able to have an orgasm in any other way:
"Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City, says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides "a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm," he says."
"However, the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological. These may stem from concerns about performance or cultural or religious taboos. Another psychological cause is conditioning resulting from certain masturbation patterns. For example, a man who is used to masturbating with a very fast motion may find it difficult to climax with the slower process of intercourse."
Here's the New York Times' Health Guide page on delayed ejaculation (which also says, like Alison said, that "Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse":
Comment Reply
Hi, Anon. Thanks so much for giving us some more information.
This is a tough situation for you, I know. I'm glad you've been able to talk openly about it, but I'm sorry that yor boyfriend "doesn't seem to care." And that you "just feel like he wants what he wants, and screw me."
Do you think that he really feels that way? If so, Anon, I am not sure this relationship can survive. In order to work through a sexual issue like this, both people have to want to do it. Yes, some things ARE private, but "private" includes your sexual partner/life partner.
Something has to happen here. The way I see it, it's one of the following:
1. You adapt to this as a permanent way of life as long as you're with him, or
2. He agrees to work on the problem with you and possibly with a doctor, or
3. Things stay as they are, and the relationship slowly deteriorates because of it.
Like Alison, I can't know if your boyfriend is being "selfish." To me, selfish implies some sort of intention or deliberate choice. I think more likely is the fact that he doesn't know what to do and doesn't like the possibility of seeing a doctor or a counselor. And right now, he has everything he wants -- in other words, there's no actual reason for him to change. It seems like your feelings about this issue are not enough.
You didn't mention how old your boyfriend is. I'm wondering, since he's never been able to ejaculate from intercourse, how long this has been going on for him.
One possible issue is that the manual stimulation you give your boyfriend simulates masturbation. Web MD says that manual stimulation -- with its intensity, pressure and friction -- may actually be part of the culprit in a man not being able to have an orgasm in any other way:
"Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City, says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides "a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm," he says."
Here's that page:
http://men.webmd.com/guide/overcoming-ejaculation-problems
The Mayo Clinic's Q&A discusses some possible medical causes of delayed ejaculation:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/delayed-ejaculation/AN01299
But that page also says this:
"However, the most common causes of delayed ejaculation are psychological. These may stem from concerns about performance or cultural or religious taboos. Another psychological cause is conditioning resulting from certain masturbation patterns. For example, a man who is used to masturbating with a very fast motion may find it difficult to climax with the slower process of intercourse."
Here's the New York Times' Health Guide page on delayed ejaculation (which also says, like Alison said, that "Most men ejaculate within 2 to 4 minutes after onset of active thrusting in intercourse":
http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/delayed-ejaculation/overview.html
Is this information of any help to you? Do you think that it's possible that the manual stimulation is actually part of the ongoing problem?
November 3, 2009 - 8:28amThis Comment
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