First of all, I am a man, who has struggled with the very same problem from the opposite side that many of you are dealing with. I'm not sure if anything I'm am a bout to say is going to be helpful at all but here goes...
I have battled with trying to maintain healthy sexual relationships since I have been sexually active. I can usually keep them up for a while but always exhaust myself, as sex always seems more like a duty then a release. It always seems to be the woman's domain; something that I should do to please her, and should feel grateful for the opportunity, but over time would ultimately just make me feel bad, that my sexuality was something so terrible it could never be emphasized in any relationship.
I think this feeling for me starts with the formation of any male/female relationship I have had, where as a man I must assume all risk and/or cost in pursuing the relationship. I have to ask the girl out, plan and pay for our first dates, define the relationship, and push any kind of intimacy sexually or otherwise if it is to happen. Most of my first relationships were with women who wanted to wait until marriage for any kind of sexual intimacy, which I was fine with, I just didn't want to get married so young, which was something they seemed to push. This did haunt me after college when many of my more adult relationships would fall apart because I would tend to stall out at second base. I was a virgin until my early 20's.
I got over this at around the time I met my current partner. We met later in college. The first month of dating was a slow escalation of me pushing towards sex, which I'm still not sure why I did. Even at that time I had trouble finishing during sex, even with partners before her, however I was very mindful of her needs both emotionally and physically, and she did not seem to mind so neither did I.
We would have sex usually once a day and I would finish with her about every 3rd or 4th time. Sometimes finishing myself in another room afterward, sometimes not. Over the next year or two I will admit that with the strain of being the primary bread winner and escalating our relationship, I did start to neglect my duties in the bedroom. I would try and start having sex but would usually peter out about halfway through. I could masturbate just fine, but not sex. She was very proactive about this surprising me with lingerie and asking me what new things I might want to try. I asked her the same and she said she just wanted our sex to be like it was in the beginning of our relationship. I did have passing fascinations with bdsm and other fetishes so we delved into that, and while she would seem excited about it in conversation she would always seem more passive about it in practice. She tended to be more passive with sex in general though, initiating and then letting me take control.
Eventually I took maters into my own hands and just started these increasingly intense cycles of not masturbating, or watching porn, limiting exercise, taking testosterone supplements, and Viagra to help me bring back the original passion of our relationship. However, the longer I keep the regime up the more I crave the freedom and relaxation of a long run or a quick masturbation session before bed, and the more I begin to resent her.
Usually I just take to orally pleasing her a lot when I don't feel like doing those things. Which I know bothers her, but it is even worse when she gets frustrated when I can't cum and launches into a bout of insecurity about her body or accusing me of cheating. I always feel terrible when she spirals, as I know that I am the cause to her problems. Usually a few weeks or months of this and I start a new cycle.
I try not to look at porn as much as I can, I will go months without looking at it at all and then break down and watch a lot of it for a week or two before quitting and purging again. Usually I just imagine various scenarios while masturbating or during sex, many even involving my partner, some that we had even tried but failed in the past.
Honestly sex is kind of non issue these days as I would prefer to spend my time improving myself both physically and with my career, as they both give me more validity then sex. I love my partner and want to keep her happy, it is just really hard because I never feel sexy around her. The most difficult thing is if she is trying to get me in the mood and I ask her why she wants to have sex with me and she answers with something sweet like because she loves me, it just makes me feel so unattractive. I don’t want to be loveable I want to be fuckable. Honestly I feel like our sex life has nothing to do with me, and I'm just here to satisfy her urges because it's my duty :(
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First of all, I am a man, who has struggled with the very same problem from the opposite side that many of you are dealing with. I'm not sure if anything I'm am a bout to say is going to be helpful at all but here goes...
I have battled with trying to maintain healthy sexual relationships since I have been sexually active. I can usually keep them up for a while but always exhaust myself, as sex always seems more like a duty then a release. It always seems to be the woman's domain; something that I should do to please her, and should feel grateful for the opportunity, but over time would ultimately just make me feel bad, that my sexuality was something so terrible it could never be emphasized in any relationship.
I think this feeling for me starts with the formation of any male/female relationship I have had, where as a man I must assume all risk and/or cost in pursuing the relationship. I have to ask the girl out, plan and pay for our first dates, define the relationship, and push any kind of intimacy sexually or otherwise if it is to happen. Most of my first relationships were with women who wanted to wait until marriage for any kind of sexual intimacy, which I was fine with, I just didn't want to get married so young, which was something they seemed to push. This did haunt me after college when many of my more adult relationships would fall apart because I would tend to stall out at second base. I was a virgin until my early 20's.
I got over this at around the time I met my current partner. We met later in college. The first month of dating was a slow escalation of me pushing towards sex, which I'm still not sure why I did. Even at that time I had trouble finishing during sex, even with partners before her, however I was very mindful of her needs both emotionally and physically, and she did not seem to mind so neither did I.
We would have sex usually once a day and I would finish with her about every 3rd or 4th time. Sometimes finishing myself in another room afterward, sometimes not. Over the next year or two I will admit that with the strain of being the primary bread winner and escalating our relationship, I did start to neglect my duties in the bedroom. I would try and start having sex but would usually peter out about halfway through. I could masturbate just fine, but not sex. She was very proactive about this surprising me with lingerie and asking me what new things I might want to try. I asked her the same and she said she just wanted our sex to be like it was in the beginning of our relationship. I did have passing fascinations with bdsm and other fetishes so we delved into that, and while she would seem excited about it in conversation she would always seem more passive about it in practice. She tended to be more passive with sex in general though, initiating and then letting me take control.
Eventually I took maters into my own hands and just started these increasingly intense cycles of not masturbating, or watching porn, limiting exercise, taking testosterone supplements, and Viagra to help me bring back the original passion of our relationship. However, the longer I keep the regime up the more I crave the freedom and relaxation of a long run or a quick masturbation session before bed, and the more I begin to resent her.
Usually I just take to orally pleasing her a lot when I don't feel like doing those things. Which I know bothers her, but it is even worse when she gets frustrated when I can't cum and launches into a bout of insecurity about her body or accusing me of cheating. I always feel terrible when she spirals, as I know that I am the cause to her problems. Usually a few weeks or months of this and I start a new cycle.
I try not to look at porn as much as I can, I will go months without looking at it at all and then break down and watch a lot of it for a week or two before quitting and purging again. Usually I just imagine various scenarios while masturbating or during sex, many even involving my partner, some that we had even tried but failed in the past.
Honestly sex is kind of non issue these days as I would prefer to spend my time improving myself both physically and with my career, as they both give me more validity then sex. I love my partner and want to keep her happy, it is just really hard because I never feel sexy around her. The most difficult thing is if she is trying to get me in the mood and I ask her why she wants to have sex with me and she answers with something sweet like because she loves me, it just makes me feel so unattractive. I don’t want to be loveable I want to be fuckable. Honestly I feel like our sex life has nothing to do with me, and I'm just here to satisfy her urges because it's my duty :(
August 4, 2015 - 9:29pmThis Comment
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