I'm sorry...this does sound frustrating, and is difficult to see into the future to know if this relationship will always be 70-30--with you taking most of the emotional weight-- or if this is just a time/place in the relationship that is temporary.
Honestly, it could go both ways, and could be no one's "fault", but I do think there are some things you can do for yourself, that are within your control, to help the situation feel better.
You are very clear with what you are looking for in a relationship, what you are willing to compromise on, what you are willing to sacrifice, and what your limits are. It also sounds like your boyfriend is, too. I would just make sure that in this stressful time in his life that he knows that you are making a free choice to take on more of the "relationship burden", but that you also need some reassurance from him that he is wanting a different type of relationship in the future (or, is he?). During this time away from him, what specifically do you need from your boyfriend, in terms of behavior that can be measured/observed (more kissing, handholding, time away from computer, weekly walk together, monthly weekend "get-a-way", love notes, etc).
I "hear you" on the "time together", but while one person is on the computer/phone/electronic device. My husband and I had a terrible time with this, and when we were living in Virginia, there was a hurricane that hit the east coast and we were without power for 3 days. It was GREAT for our marriage, because we had no TV, no computer...no technology. We talked more, spent time outside with neighbors, got more exercise, and had to be creative with cooking-by-candlelight. We have tried to institute a "technology-free night" at least twice a month (has to be both of our choice), and when it works, it is great!
Are you looking for a relationship that is a little more fun, and less work? And, again, what is he looking for? Does he see the "work" part of the relationship ending soon, so you two can once again regain some fun, intimacy and relaxation together? I don't think you are being selfish at all; it is good to talk through what you are wanting out of the relationship & what you currently dislike. Knowing what you want for your future---both including him and not including him---will help you feel more in control of your destiny, and you can know that you are not depending on this one person for intimacy, reassurance, validation, love, support...that you have many ways of receiving these things in your life from other pursuits, and that your wish is for him to be a primary part in this. However...there does come a time when he is in a less stressful time, after you've both moved...that if there continues to be more and more stresses and less and less relationship time, that he will need to decide what he wants for his future. You both can be honest with each other, and let one another know what you want, what your wishes and fantasies are, and hopefully they will match and lead you both down the same road together. There is always a chance that this is the life he wants for himself, and not even know it in order to verbally express it to you, but as long as you know what YOU want for yourself and share this with him, you can both make healthy decisions together that benefit both of you.
Lastly..I know what you mean by the first year being the honeymoon period. For some people, it is. For others (my husband and I included), it really wasn't. We were both used to being independent before we met each other, and having to combine our lives was harder than we thought. Sometimes we wonder how we ever got married, as we fought so much the first few years, and now that we've been married 7 years, we finally feel like we "click" and are meant to be together, and love each other more every day. It was not always like this, and for some people they get lucky, and others their paths just don't seem to meet in the same direction (again, no fault of either person; they are just being honest with themselves).
I hope you can find some happiness (and patience...sounds like you will need it with his hectic schedule), and do more things for yourself. The only person you can control or change is yourself, and your boyfriend may be living the life he wants, or he may be living the life that is too stressful but he is unable to change it. Either way, that is his choice to change his lifestyle, decide to learn how to manage his stress better, work on finances/money problems with a professional, talk with you about his future thoughts regarding moving and kids...
Sorry this was so long! I'm also curious if he also feels that his part of the relationship is 30-70 (with you being the 70%), just so there is not a disconnect between you two, and he knows the toll his lifestyle is having on you. He may think you are OK with it, or that you know it will lead to something better...who knows?
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I'm sorry...this does sound frustrating, and is difficult to see into the future to know if this relationship will always be 70-30--with you taking most of the emotional weight-- or if this is just a time/place in the relationship that is temporary.
Honestly, it could go both ways, and could be no one's "fault", but I do think there are some things you can do for yourself, that are within your control, to help the situation feel better.
You are very clear with what you are looking for in a relationship, what you are willing to compromise on, what you are willing to sacrifice, and what your limits are. It also sounds like your boyfriend is, too. I would just make sure that in this stressful time in his life that he knows that you are making a free choice to take on more of the "relationship burden", but that you also need some reassurance from him that he is wanting a different type of relationship in the future (or, is he?). During this time away from him, what specifically do you need from your boyfriend, in terms of behavior that can be measured/observed (more kissing, handholding, time away from computer, weekly walk together, monthly weekend "get-a-way", love notes, etc).
I "hear you" on the "time together", but while one person is on the computer/phone/electronic device. My husband and I had a terrible time with this, and when we were living in Virginia, there was a hurricane that hit the east coast and we were without power for 3 days. It was GREAT for our marriage, because we had no TV, no computer...no technology. We talked more, spent time outside with neighbors, got more exercise, and had to be creative with cooking-by-candlelight. We have tried to institute a "technology-free night" at least twice a month (has to be both of our choice), and when it works, it is great!
Are you looking for a relationship that is a little more fun, and less work? And, again, what is he looking for? Does he see the "work" part of the relationship ending soon, so you two can once again regain some fun, intimacy and relaxation together? I don't think you are being selfish at all; it is good to talk through what you are wanting out of the relationship & what you currently dislike. Knowing what you want for your future---both including him and not including him---will help you feel more in control of your destiny, and you can know that you are not depending on this one person for intimacy, reassurance, validation, love, support...that you have many ways of receiving these things in your life from other pursuits, and that your wish is for him to be a primary part in this. However...there does come a time when he is in a less stressful time, after you've both moved...that if there continues to be more and more stresses and less and less relationship time, that he will need to decide what he wants for his future. You both can be honest with each other, and let one another know what you want, what your wishes and fantasies are, and hopefully they will match and lead you both down the same road together. There is always a chance that this is the life he wants for himself, and not even know it in order to verbally express it to you, but as long as you know what YOU want for yourself and share this with him, you can both make healthy decisions together that benefit both of you.
Lastly..I know what you mean by the first year being the honeymoon period. For some people, it is. For others (my husband and I included), it really wasn't. We were both used to being independent before we met each other, and having to combine our lives was harder than we thought. Sometimes we wonder how we ever got married, as we fought so much the first few years, and now that we've been married 7 years, we finally feel like we "click" and are meant to be together, and love each other more every day. It was not always like this, and for some people they get lucky, and others their paths just don't seem to meet in the same direction (again, no fault of either person; they are just being honest with themselves).
I hope you can find some happiness (and patience...sounds like you will need it with his hectic schedule), and do more things for yourself. The only person you can control or change is yourself, and your boyfriend may be living the life he wants, or he may be living the life that is too stressful but he is unable to change it. Either way, that is his choice to change his lifestyle, decide to learn how to manage his stress better, work on finances/money problems with a professional, talk with you about his future thoughts regarding moving and kids...
Sorry this was so long! I'm also curious if he also feels that his part of the relationship is 30-70 (with you being the 70%), just so there is not a disconnect between you two, and he knows the toll his lifestyle is having on you. He may think you are OK with it, or that you know it will lead to something better...who knows?
January 3, 2010 - 2:06pmThis Comment
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