I'm sorry you are feeling this way! Rosa and Diane gave some great advice, too, that I hope you'll respond to.
From my perspective, you have a few different options:
1. Talk with your boyfriend about your interest in being physically intimate with him; how it makes you feel loved, how you enjoy physically showing him your affection. Tell him the physical contact means a lot to you.
2. Ask him what the physical contact between you two means to him, and really listen.
3. If you two are on the same page, you can tell him (hopefully without crying?) that you are interested in a relationship where you are not the only one initiating physical intimacy, and you would like to be physically intimate once per week (or, whatever your "goal" is).
4. Ask him what his preferences are about physical intimacy (with and without sex).
Depending on all of the information above, assuming you are both able to be honest and communicate well with each other (no one manipulating the other one with being over-emotional, under-emotional, guilty-producing, not answering questions, etc.), then here are your choices:
1. If you two are on the same page as far as what physical intimacy means to you in a relationship, how frequently you would like this to occur, then you can talk about how you both can make this happen.
As Diane said, frequency will ebb-and-flow throughout the relationship, and if one person is particularly stressed or sad or whatever...they do have the responsibility to let the other partner know that they need more alone time, or more physical contact but no intercourse/performance requirements, or whatever it is that they need.
2. If you two are not on the same page as far as what physical intimacy means to you, or the frequency or type, then you both also need to problem solve about how to compromise to meet each other's needs.
It really is that simple (in writing), and what is most important is that your boyfriend understands your needs and desires, and that you understand his. What do you both want in the relationship now, and in the future, and how can you both work together to make it happen? Are you two on different paths, and separating may be the best option? Are you two wanting the same things, but need some more work to make it happen in reality?
Lastly, his actions really are going to speak louder than his words. If after this fact-finding conversation, there is still no problem-solving action (and trying to get sex from the conversation is not a good idea, either!!), then his actions for the next few months may tell you what you need to know.
I hope you know that this issue is not about you feeling ugly; he can not "make you" feel ugly; only you can do that. I know...I hate it when I hear that too...but honestly, you are making this issue "all about you" and it is a type of manipulation (even though you don't mean to do this) to "make" him prove his love for you, and prove that he thinks you are pretty, by having sex. Do you see that even when you "win", it doesn't make you feel better? You still have low self-esteem with your body, and I hope you know that YOU need to find ways to feel great in your own body, and not depend on whether-or-not he has sex with you tells you if you are pretty or sexy or physically wanted or not.
You may not even be ready to have sex with him at this time mentally & emotionally if you are not in a good mental state, and need the physical reassurance from him that he likes you, loves you, wants to be with you, thinks your are physically attractive...whatever the "reason" is. I really do think most of us have "used sex" in one of these ways, in different times in our lives, and I'm wondering if you considered that this inadvertent guilt-manipulation puts a lot of pressure on your boyfriend, and he may be emotionally exhausted by this duty to "make you feel pretty/wanted/fill-in-the-blank"? Yes...I do think it is important for both couples to be physically intimate in a relationship, hence the conversation suggestion, but please know that he is hearing loud-and-clear that you are demanding sex from him, you feel ugly when you don't get it, he is making you feel ugly and it's his fault, and you will cry until he gives in and has sex with you. It's a shame he is not a little more astute and mature to talk with you about this issue beforehand, but from his perspective, he may be scared off by this amount of power he has over how you feel about your body. He also may be manipulating you...who knows...but un-emotional conversation with fact-finding, matter-of-fact "this is what I want; what do you want; how do we make this happen" discussion will help you know what is best for YOU, regardless of the outcome.
Let me know your thoughts, even if you disagree, as we really have all "been there" with some of your behaviors, and we can help.
Comment Reply
I'm sorry you are feeling this way! Rosa and Diane gave some great advice, too, that I hope you'll respond to.
From my perspective, you have a few different options:
1. Talk with your boyfriend about your interest in being physically intimate with him; how it makes you feel loved, how you enjoy physically showing him your affection. Tell him the physical contact means a lot to you.
2. Ask him what the physical contact between you two means to him, and really listen.
3. If you two are on the same page, you can tell him (hopefully without crying?) that you are interested in a relationship where you are not the only one initiating physical intimacy, and you would like to be physically intimate once per week (or, whatever your "goal" is).
4. Ask him what his preferences are about physical intimacy (with and without sex).
Depending on all of the information above, assuming you are both able to be honest and communicate well with each other (no one manipulating the other one with being over-emotional, under-emotional, guilty-producing, not answering questions, etc.), then here are your choices:
1. If you two are on the same page as far as what physical intimacy means to you in a relationship, how frequently you would like this to occur, then you can talk about how you both can make this happen.
As Diane said, frequency will ebb-and-flow throughout the relationship, and if one person is particularly stressed or sad or whatever...they do have the responsibility to let the other partner know that they need more alone time, or more physical contact but no intercourse/performance requirements, or whatever it is that they need.
2. If you two are not on the same page as far as what physical intimacy means to you, or the frequency or type, then you both also need to problem solve about how to compromise to meet each other's needs.
It really is that simple (in writing), and what is most important is that your boyfriend understands your needs and desires, and that you understand his. What do you both want in the relationship now, and in the future, and how can you both work together to make it happen? Are you two on different paths, and separating may be the best option? Are you two wanting the same things, but need some more work to make it happen in reality?
Lastly, his actions really are going to speak louder than his words. If after this fact-finding conversation, there is still no problem-solving action (and trying to get sex from the conversation is not a good idea, either!!), then his actions for the next few months may tell you what you need to know.
I hope you know that this issue is not about you feeling ugly; he can not "make you" feel ugly; only you can do that. I know...I hate it when I hear that too...but honestly, you are making this issue "all about you" and it is a type of manipulation (even though you don't mean to do this) to "make" him prove his love for you, and prove that he thinks you are pretty, by having sex. Do you see that even when you "win", it doesn't make you feel better? You still have low self-esteem with your body, and I hope you know that YOU need to find ways to feel great in your own body, and not depend on whether-or-not he has sex with you tells you if you are pretty or sexy or physically wanted or not.
You may not even be ready to have sex with him at this time mentally & emotionally if you are not in a good mental state, and need the physical reassurance from him that he likes you, loves you, wants to be with you, thinks your are physically attractive...whatever the "reason" is. I really do think most of us have "used sex" in one of these ways, in different times in our lives, and I'm wondering if you considered that this inadvertent guilt-manipulation puts a lot of pressure on your boyfriend, and he may be emotionally exhausted by this duty to "make you feel pretty/wanted/fill-in-the-blank"? Yes...I do think it is important for both couples to be physically intimate in a relationship, hence the conversation suggestion, but please know that he is hearing loud-and-clear that you are demanding sex from him, you feel ugly when you don't get it, he is making you feel ugly and it's his fault, and you will cry until he gives in and has sex with you. It's a shame he is not a little more astute and mature to talk with you about this issue beforehand, but from his perspective, he may be scared off by this amount of power he has over how you feel about your body. He also may be manipulating you...who knows...but un-emotional conversation with fact-finding, matter-of-fact "this is what I want; what do you want; how do we make this happen" discussion will help you know what is best for YOU, regardless of the outcome.
Let me know your thoughts, even if you disagree, as we really have all "been there" with some of your behaviors, and we can help.
January 7, 2010 - 1:29pmThis Comment
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