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Anonymous

Where do I begin? Summer of 1985.... I met this sweet, quiet, respectful guy with the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.... we were going steady within the month and spent every moment we could together... Christmas 1985 he asked me to marry him and I said YES! He was 20, I was 16. Fast forward to August 9, 1986, our wedding day... best day of my life, we were so very happy. We had so many plans for our life... I was a senior in High school (17 years old) he was working full time (20 years old)
5 weeks....6 days after our wedding day on a Friday night at 9:45 PM, he was dead!!!!!! We were arguing and I said I was leaving... his arms held onto me from behind and his very last words were oh God, I can't take this.... he let me go, turned and walked into our bedroom and shot himself. I was still standing there... maybe 15 feet away... I ran to him but it was too late!!!! My whole life, world, existence change in that split second.
That was or will be 30 years ago this August. I have never recovered from this... I wake up every day thinking about him, I go to sleep every night thinking about him. What if, what if, what if.... I play out how things could have been, I wonder what we would be today, how life could have been so different... I have spent more than half my life living in such sadness... I don't think I even know what happiness is anymore. I look at our wedding photos and video and I can't remember who that happy girl is....
Life has pushed me forward for 30 years and all I want is to go back....inside I am screaming to just go back. I want him back, I want our life back!!!! We were just getting started, we had so many plans... I will never understand why he left me here...why didn't he kill me first? Did he realize how much hell my life would be? Why marry me and then leave me? What if I wouldn't have said I was leaving, would he have still killed himself eventually? How did I not know this was coming? ??? WILL I EVER FIND PEACE???

February 10, 2016 - 5:55pm

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