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Thanks for your understanding. Means more than you could imagine. I am almost 44 years old and I can still feel the pain. I can't imagine not feeling this pain anymore so I can't imagine how long it will take.I have gone to some therapy and I understand that there is nothing that can change the past or take those feelings away. I was taught some tools to move forward with. I accept that what has happened, has happened but how I wish I could be hypnotised or take a pill that would make me forget. I don't want to commit suicide but I'm certainly not afraid of dying anymore. It would be the end of this hurt. I will embrace it when my time comes. I don't have a very strong group of family and friends are very few. I seem to be happiest when I'm alone. Life goes on I know and I can only hope it can get better because if I haven't wanted to end if after my last few years then I think I can handle almost anything. thanks again