fish,
I am so sorry...this really does sound like a painful situation, but I'm glad you found us. Honestly, there really is no "good" time to find out a boyfriend has cheated, as there always seems to be something else going on in life that causes us to not be able to go through the grief process as much as we'd like. Hopefully we can help with some suggestions, however.
Two thoughts for you:
1. You are essentially asking for some good coping techniques, and I'm sure you already have some. Think back to other stressful or sad times in your life, and can you remember what you did to cope with those situations? There are so many different ways that people cope, and here are just a few of them:
- Vent/talk with trusted friends or family
- Journal
- Take extra-good care of yourself by eating well and exercising
- Take a few more naps, or sleep in
- Give yourself permission and time to cry
- Listen to really loud music in the car (don't drive!)
- Try relaxation techniques: deep breathing, yoga, massage
- Have fun! Go out with friends, go to parties or other get-togethers that you may not have otherwise. Meet new people. Join a new club (I understand this is exam time for you, but can be something you look forward to).
- Try something new (join a sport, activity...even wear something different)
- Talk with a school counselor
- Positive affirmations (in case you are being difficult on yourself, you can remind yourself every day what qualities you love about yourself, what great friends and family you have...just remember all of the good that surrounds you)
- Distraction. Going to the movies, watching a positive and uplifting movie or TV show can work wonders. Laugh at jokes, see a comedian...these can really help you feel better in the short-term, so you can focus on studying
- Give yourself permission to feel the emotional pain. If you are trying to study and the anger/pain builds up, try not to feel anxious or blame him for doing this to you. Be sure not to get into that victim role...just know that someone was very unkind to you, you are strong and will work through it, and go for a walk for 15 minutes before studying again. Try to study for 30-45 minutes at a time, to really focus, then allow yourself to feel the pain again (or relax or do something fun).
2. Know the Stages of Grief
- I'm sure you've heard about the stages of grief, and it can be helpful to some people to know that what they are feeling is normal, and part of a longer process that they can actively and productively move through as their grief is not as strong.
- Just knowing that "time is the best healer" and that you will go through periods of anger, resentment, depression, acceptance...these will all be feelings you will have, and instead of trying to suppress them, it's OK to feel them and acknowledge them. They have their place, and then you can also give yourself the space to laugh, read, study, learn and enjoy some simple pleasures that surround you.
Comment Reply
fish,
I am so sorry...this really does sound like a painful situation, but I'm glad you found us. Honestly, there really is no "good" time to find out a boyfriend has cheated, as there always seems to be something else going on in life that causes us to not be able to go through the grief process as much as we'd like. Hopefully we can help with some suggestions, however.
Two thoughts for you:
1. You are essentially asking for some good coping techniques, and I'm sure you already have some. Think back to other stressful or sad times in your life, and can you remember what you did to cope with those situations? There are so many different ways that people cope, and here are just a few of them:
- Vent/talk with trusted friends or family
- Journal
- Take extra-good care of yourself by eating well and exercising
- Take a few more naps, or sleep in
- Give yourself permission and time to cry
- Listen to really loud music in the car (don't drive!)
- Try relaxation techniques: deep breathing, yoga, massage
- Have fun! Go out with friends, go to parties or other get-togethers that you may not have otherwise. Meet new people. Join a new club (I understand this is exam time for you, but can be something you look forward to).
- Try something new (join a sport, activity...even wear something different)
- Talk with a school counselor
- Positive affirmations (in case you are being difficult on yourself, you can remind yourself every day what qualities you love about yourself, what great friends and family you have...just remember all of the good that surrounds you)
- Distraction. Going to the movies, watching a positive and uplifting movie or TV show can work wonders. Laugh at jokes, see a comedian...these can really help you feel better in the short-term, so you can focus on studying
- Give yourself permission to feel the emotional pain. If you are trying to study and the anger/pain builds up, try not to feel anxious or blame him for doing this to you. Be sure not to get into that victim role...just know that someone was very unkind to you, you are strong and will work through it, and go for a walk for 15 minutes before studying again. Try to study for 30-45 minutes at a time, to really focus, then allow yourself to feel the pain again (or relax or do something fun).
2. Know the Stages of Grief
- I'm sure you've heard about the stages of grief, and it can be helpful to some people to know that what they are feeling is normal, and part of a longer process that they can actively and productively move through as their grief is not as strong.
- Just knowing that "time is the best healer" and that you will go through periods of anger, resentment, depression, acceptance...these will all be feelings you will have, and instead of trying to suppress them, it's OK to feel them and acknowledge them. They have their place, and then you can also give yourself the space to laugh, read, study, learn and enjoy some simple pleasures that surround you.
I hope some of this helps!
March 9, 2010 - 3:20pmThis Comment
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