I'm sorry...this sounds really frustrating. I'm happy to hear that you are talking with your boyfriend about this, and he is willing to talk with you about it, too. As you said, it could be a "phase" and he may be so stressed out/frustrated, too, that he may not know how to change this around for the better.
I'm wondering if there have been so many changes, different reasons for the lack of intercourse (sounds like you two are still willing to try to be physically intimate, although you end up wanting more), that perhaps a few additional ideas may be worth a try:
- I read a helpful tip for couples: purposefully not having intercourse for a certain amount of time (3 months?). This could take the pressure & guilt off of your boyfriend, and take the sadness & worry off of you for a few months. You can pretend to just be dating again, with a first kiss...taking it slow..and see what new things you discover about each other knowing that physical contact will build slowly over time, but no intercourse for 3 months.
- I read a book, called Hot Monogamy, that had some great information in it, but may not be helpful unless you are both interested in reading it (and, it may be too much for your boyfriend right now).
- May I suggest couples counseling? It is incredibly helpful to have a third-person perspective, and if you two are both feeling sorry for yourselves in the relationship, wanting things to be different but have fallen into these set roles, not sure how to improve or get out of this rut...it can be amazing to talk with a counselor about each of your feelings, and can help strengthen and build upon your relationship if you have a strong foundation in place.
If you do decide to go into the counseling realm, a suggestion (for the person initiating): one person in the relationship can bring up the topic, do some research into therapists, conduct a few phone "interviews", then let the OTHER person in the relationship choose the one therapist that you have narrowed down from a list that are all acceptable to you. It helps both people feel that they made a choice in therapist (if one person claims "we need counseling", then does all the leg work, researching and choosing, the other person may not have as much ownership of the sessions...and sometimes, the sessions can feel emotionally overwhelming).
I have been to couples counseling with my husband, when we were having some difficulties in our relationship, and it was such a wonderful experience. It was "trying" and emotionally difficult at times, but we knew we just had a few "barriers" that we couldn't get over ourselves that created frustration, and over time, lack of energy for us to even be able to solve the problem on our own. In the end, our previous barriers that felt insurmountable at the time are no longer issues...something we thought would never happen, and now we even have additional tools/techniques to help us cope with future barriers on our own. I hope you are both open to trying this, as many jobs and/or health insurance policies do cover mental health visits.
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I'm sorry...this sounds really frustrating. I'm happy to hear that you are talking with your boyfriend about this, and he is willing to talk with you about it, too. As you said, it could be a "phase" and he may be so stressed out/frustrated, too, that he may not know how to change this around for the better.
I'm wondering if there have been so many changes, different reasons for the lack of intercourse (sounds like you two are still willing to try to be physically intimate, although you end up wanting more), that perhaps a few additional ideas may be worth a try:
- I read a helpful tip for couples: purposefully not having intercourse for a certain amount of time (3 months?). This could take the pressure & guilt off of your boyfriend, and take the sadness & worry off of you for a few months. You can pretend to just be dating again, with a first kiss...taking it slow..and see what new things you discover about each other knowing that physical contact will build slowly over time, but no intercourse for 3 months.
- I read a book, called Hot Monogamy, that had some great information in it, but may not be helpful unless you are both interested in reading it (and, it may be too much for your boyfriend right now).
- May I suggest couples counseling? It is incredibly helpful to have a third-person perspective, and if you two are both feeling sorry for yourselves in the relationship, wanting things to be different but have fallen into these set roles, not sure how to improve or get out of this rut...it can be amazing to talk with a counselor about each of your feelings, and can help strengthen and build upon your relationship if you have a strong foundation in place.
If you do decide to go into the counseling realm, a suggestion (for the person initiating): one person in the relationship can bring up the topic, do some research into therapists, conduct a few phone "interviews", then let the OTHER person in the relationship choose the one therapist that you have narrowed down from a list that are all acceptable to you. It helps both people feel that they made a choice in therapist (if one person claims "we need counseling", then does all the leg work, researching and choosing, the other person may not have as much ownership of the sessions...and sometimes, the sessions can feel emotionally overwhelming).
I have been to couples counseling with my husband, when we were having some difficulties in our relationship, and it was such a wonderful experience. It was "trying" and emotionally difficult at times, but we knew we just had a few "barriers" that we couldn't get over ourselves that created frustration, and over time, lack of energy for us to even be able to solve the problem on our own. In the end, our previous barriers that felt insurmountable at the time are no longer issues...something we thought would never happen, and now we even have additional tools/techniques to help us cope with future barriers on our own. I hope you are both open to trying this, as many jobs and/or health insurance policies do cover mental health visits.
Let us know what you decide to do!
March 16, 2010 - 12:58pmThis Comment
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