The only thing I disagree with is that she, who has expressed her dislikes and has a husband who cares less about them anyway, and subsequently is feeling lowly about this, be the one to find the medium ground. True, if with all else she hopes to keep her marriage and if her husband is so thoughtless, er, clueless, I guess someonehas to make a move toward the middle.
However, I disagree with the premise of the suggestion. Ie, one's wants and even rights end where another's begins. He doesn't have the right to do what he likes at her expense. I call that pretty thoughtless of a person to do. If he cared, he has every right to, when not advancing sexually, to approach the topic, his preferences (or fantasies) and her aversion to them with her. He has the right to ask what she would be willing to try, etc.
This question SHOULD'VE been asked by the husband. "What can I do? I don't want to hurt her, (though I'm personally interested in using these expressions). And it's sad that it's the disregarded wife left feeling violated rather than the caring husband looking for a solution.
To the wife, I'm sorry you feel his words are vulgar and that you feel reduced when he speaks them. I encourage you to talk to your husband, when feelings (and sex drives), are in control. Express your ideas again to him. Non accusatory. Gentle. Tell him you want to find things you can both enjoy. Also personally explore why (if you have to maintain the notion) that you feel the way you do. If your husband has no in between, let him know you want to feel loved through his words. He can start by huskily whispering into your ear "wife, I love you" and "you turn me on" and even a "you're so beautiful, I just want to be with and inside you" (does that last one make you cringe?).
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The only thing I disagree with is that she, who has expressed her dislikes and has a husband who cares less about them anyway, and subsequently is feeling lowly about this, be the one to find the medium ground. True, if with all else she hopes to keep her marriage and if her husband is so thoughtless, er, clueless, I guess someonehas to make a move toward the middle.
However, I disagree with the premise of the suggestion. Ie, one's wants and even rights end where another's begins. He doesn't have the right to do what he likes at her expense. I call that pretty thoughtless of a person to do. If he cared, he has every right to, when not advancing sexually, to approach the topic, his preferences (or fantasies) and her aversion to them with her. He has the right to ask what she would be willing to try, etc.
This question SHOULD'VE been asked by the husband. "What can I do? I don't want to hurt her, (though I'm personally interested in using these expressions). And it's sad that it's the disregarded wife left feeling violated rather than the caring husband looking for a solution.
To the wife, I'm sorry you feel his words are vulgar and that you feel reduced when he speaks them. I encourage you to talk to your husband, when feelings (and sex drives), are in control. Express your ideas again to him. Non accusatory. Gentle. Tell him you want to find things you can both enjoy. Also personally explore why (if you have to maintain the notion) that you feel the way you do. If your husband has no in between, let him know you want to feel loved through his words. He can start by huskily whispering into your ear "wife, I love you" and "you turn me on" and even a "you're so beautiful, I just want to be with and inside you" (does that last one make you cringe?).
Good luck.
September 19, 2011 - 4:26pmThis Comment
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