I totally hear everything you are saying. And I keep thinking the same thing. We keep having discussions about child support and splitting things up instead of how can we make this better. We had a huge fight today. He basically said that the counselor has not really said anything to him that has made him want to think about the decision he is making and that he just really doesn't think that we have any chance. He says that I am never going to change and that he just doesn't see anything left.
I told him that he has not even givin any of this a chance. That he couldn't expect a miracle in 2 sessions. That it was going to take time to see if either one of us really wanted to make this work. He knows now that he is battling a lot of stuff within himself. I asked him to at least give it some time for him to work through some of that stuff to just see if maybe once he could learn to love himself again if maybe he would be able to see that there is still maybe something there for me.
I don't think he is really open to the idea that there is anything to fix. I asked him to give it a few months before we file and start the process so that maybe he could have time with the counselor and I could too. Because honestly right now all I want to do is ruin his life and this girls life. But I know that is not what is best for my boys. And I just really feel like if I start this process right now it will become a way for me to seek revenge and I won't be thinking straight.
So maybe just maybe waiting a few months will help me heal a little or maybe in a few months he will see things differently or maybe I will too. I just don't know. I am so confused, lost, alone, and scared. I have been with this man since I was 16. The thought of facing my life without him is the scariest thing to me right now.
He hasn't always been this person. He was a caring, loving, nurturing husband. Always there for me. He was my rock and my best friend. Maybe that is what I am holding on to, the memory of how it was and the dream that it could be that way again. I don't know. I love him, I really do. I don't think he is a monster or a horrible person. I think he has made bad decisions and I think that he has hurt a lot of people. But as sad as it sounds, I think he is battling so many demons in his head and depression that it was not the same person when these decisions were being made. The word demons is what he keeps using with me. He keeps telling me that he is battling his own demons.
I know that no one can tell me what to do here and that I have to make a decision. I just wish that someone would just do it for me. I just wish that I was strong enough to do this and to know what is right for me. For 16 years all I have known is that he was right for me and that our lives were right together and now that has all changed. It was like it never happened.
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I totally hear everything you are saying. And I keep thinking the same thing. We keep having discussions about child support and splitting things up instead of how can we make this better. We had a huge fight today. He basically said that the counselor has not really said anything to him that has made him want to think about the decision he is making and that he just really doesn't think that we have any chance. He says that I am never going to change and that he just doesn't see anything left.
I told him that he has not even givin any of this a chance. That he couldn't expect a miracle in 2 sessions. That it was going to take time to see if either one of us really wanted to make this work. He knows now that he is battling a lot of stuff within himself. I asked him to at least give it some time for him to work through some of that stuff to just see if maybe once he could learn to love himself again if maybe he would be able to see that there is still maybe something there for me.
I don't think he is really open to the idea that there is anything to fix. I asked him to give it a few months before we file and start the process so that maybe he could have time with the counselor and I could too. Because honestly right now all I want to do is ruin his life and this girls life. But I know that is not what is best for my boys. And I just really feel like if I start this process right now it will become a way for me to seek revenge and I won't be thinking straight.
So maybe just maybe waiting a few months will help me heal a little or maybe in a few months he will see things differently or maybe I will too. I just don't know. I am so confused, lost, alone, and scared. I have been with this man since I was 16. The thought of facing my life without him is the scariest thing to me right now.
He hasn't always been this person. He was a caring, loving, nurturing husband. Always there for me. He was my rock and my best friend. Maybe that is what I am holding on to, the memory of how it was and the dream that it could be that way again. I don't know. I love him, I really do. I don't think he is a monster or a horrible person. I think he has made bad decisions and I think that he has hurt a lot of people. But as sad as it sounds, I think he is battling so many demons in his head and depression that it was not the same person when these decisions were being made. The word demons is what he keeps using with me. He keeps telling me that he is battling his own demons.
I know that no one can tell me what to do here and that I have to make a decision. I just wish that someone would just do it for me. I just wish that I was strong enough to do this and to know what is right for me. For 16 years all I have known is that he was right for me and that our lives were right together and now that has all changed. It was like it never happened.
March 25, 2010 - 10:48amThis Comment
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