I have finally connected the dots, I believe strongly that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and that it manifests itself through drink, drugs, shame and heartbreak which are all intertwined. One leads to another and the mess afterwards, well... its getting too hard to bare with.
I know in my heart and head I am not a bad guy, I never want to really hurt people but in one moment, if truly honest... i don't care if i do. Then it switches and I feel like I am the worst WORST person and I dont want to cause this suffering and I dont want them to see me.
The thing people find attractive about me at first becomes the things they can't stand. I can go from absolute adoration of a person to absolute revulsion, all because I want them to love me and to not tell me I'm rubbish and don't deserve them.
People with suspected BPD were in the 27 club, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain etc.. Then Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Courtney Love still alive but all of these people seemed to approach the worst of their spirals in their mid to late 20's and thats exactly the route my life feels like it is taking.
It started to really go full throttle at 25 and its getting worse and worse. I am 27 in 3 months.
Its just so difficult for people understand when it's something they cant see.
Comment Reply
Anon
I have finally connected the dots, I believe strongly that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and that it manifests itself through drink, drugs, shame and heartbreak which are all intertwined. One leads to another and the mess afterwards, well... its getting too hard to bare with.
I know in my heart and head I am not a bad guy, I never want to really hurt people but in one moment, if truly honest... i don't care if i do. Then it switches and I feel like I am the worst WORST person and I dont want to cause this suffering and I dont want them to see me.
The thing people find attractive about me at first becomes the things they can't stand. I can go from absolute adoration of a person to absolute revulsion, all because I want them to love me and to not tell me I'm rubbish and don't deserve them.
People with suspected BPD were in the 27 club, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain etc.. Then Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Courtney Love still alive but all of these people seemed to approach the worst of their spirals in their mid to late 20's and thats exactly the route my life feels like it is taking.
It started to really go full throttle at 25 and its getting worse and worse. I am 27 in 3 months.
Its just so difficult for people understand when it's something they cant see.
November 5, 2013 - 5:55pmThis Comment
Reply