I can't believe how much of what you're all saying is EXACTLY like my situation. When we first got together it was a casual thing, we saw each other a few times a week and every time we saw each other we'd have sex at least once in that night, although he'd leave afterwards and go home, it was still great sex. the closer we got as people the more he started to stay over and we would even have sex in the morning as well before he left for uni and before i left for work. Although we were a casual relationship, we started seeing each other more and we communicated more and kind of turned in to a couple. Before we were really a couple, he went overseas for a conference and ended up getting "absolutely off his face" and had sex with some 31 year old engaged crazy b****. I only found out about this about a month ago and since then we've talked about it and that's the only time he's ever done that to me, and his excuse was that we weren't really a couple, which is very true, but he kept it from me and still had the text msgs in his phone (thats how i found out) which is what hurt the most. With all that aside, we've been so great as a couple the last 6-8 months (been seeing each other for over a year but only serious for about 6-7 months), we talk about things we have in common, we laugh together and play-fight like kids, cook dinner together, cuddle on the couch and in bed, still kiss each other (cheek and mouth), so everything is fine in that respect. But for the last couple of months his want for sex has increased dramatically. At first I thought it was just because he was tired and stressed out; he is a phD student and is at uni 14hrs a day 7 days a week with no time to himself and barely any for me. I tell him that I'm so proud of the work he does (which i am), and I think he's doing a great thing and that he's so good at it and to not give up. But the stress and frustration that comes with his phD (and i mean to a point where he's raging mad and throwing stuff around) has had quite an impact on our sex life. Even when I beg for it now and when i tell him how much i need it, he just becomes really quiet and says that he doesn't know what to say. I've cried to him over it and told him that I feel extremely unattractive and insecure because of it, and have asked him if it's me or if it's because I've put on a couple of kilos or if it's because he doesn't like doing it with me anymore, and he says it's none of that, it's just him. He says that even when he's not at uni he's constantly thinking about it, it plagues his mind, he can't get his mind to rest at night, therefore has very rough sleeps. I sleep well, except lately due to him being unfaithful when he was overseas at a conference. I want to think that him having sex with that crazy engaged woman has nothing to do with him not wanting it from me, but I feel like I bore him. He still kisses me and holds my hand and cuddles/spoons me in bed, tells me I'm cute and calls me every day after uni to see what I'm doing, and we see each other nearly every single night. Should I start staying at home a bit more so he has space to get his head around his uni stuff? I never ever bother him when he studies or reads his papers from uni, and when he says he'll be at uni for another hour and then shows up two and a half hours later at my house, he says he got carried away. And I know that's true, I know he's not cheating on me because he's a very unusual guy and wouldn't waste his time on me if he wanted someone else. (the incident in america was purely because he was off his face, horny and wanted sex; he said the next day after he did it he felt bad and regretted it because he considered his actions not to be the best, and asked for heaps of sexy/raunchy photos of me to get that other woman out of his head). I'm really not sure what to do, because he doesn't like talking about stuff that we've already talked about and he ensures me that its not me its him, but I'm literally begging for it and forcing his hand down my pants but he just laughs and pushes me away. It's so weird because he's affectionate in every other way besides sex itself. I don't want to leave him, we've got something too good to give up, but this is pushing me over the edge. I'm a very sexual person, he knows that because when we first started seeing each other I was pouncing on him at the first sight of seeing him, as he was me. I spoke to him one night about it and he said that he feels pressured to have sex with me and like he's only doing it because I want to. He also says he doesn't want to do it if he can't do it properly (ie. no energy and too tired - which is what he's like every day.) I'm not sure what to do, I don't know how to make him horny or want me like he used to. It makes me cry and I lie awake at night crying about it while he sleeps. It sounds dysfunctional but like I said, we're great in every other area. Should I back off and start sleeping at my house more often, will it make him want me more when he does see me? Should I not ask for it at all and wait til he wants it? I don't know when that will be and I'm almost at breaking point. I even had a tantrum last night and ended up going for a cigarette on the balcony. Cigarettes instead of sex seems to be the norm at the moment. I'm in peices over this because I don't want to leave him but for a lot of women this is a reason why they do. :(
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I can't believe how much of what you're all saying is EXACTLY like my situation. When we first got together it was a casual thing, we saw each other a few times a week and every time we saw each other we'd have sex at least once in that night, although he'd leave afterwards and go home, it was still great sex. the closer we got as people the more he started to stay over and we would even have sex in the morning as well before he left for uni and before i left for work. Although we were a casual relationship, we started seeing each other more and we communicated more and kind of turned in to a couple. Before we were really a couple, he went overseas for a conference and ended up getting "absolutely off his face" and had sex with some 31 year old engaged crazy b****. I only found out about this about a month ago and since then we've talked about it and that's the only time he's ever done that to me, and his excuse was that we weren't really a couple, which is very true, but he kept it from me and still had the text msgs in his phone (thats how i found out) which is what hurt the most. With all that aside, we've been so great as a couple the last 6-8 months (been seeing each other for over a year but only serious for about 6-7 months), we talk about things we have in common, we laugh together and play-fight like kids, cook dinner together, cuddle on the couch and in bed, still kiss each other (cheek and mouth), so everything is fine in that respect. But for the last couple of months his want for sex has increased dramatically. At first I thought it was just because he was tired and stressed out; he is a phD student and is at uni 14hrs a day 7 days a week with no time to himself and barely any for me. I tell him that I'm so proud of the work he does (which i am), and I think he's doing a great thing and that he's so good at it and to not give up. But the stress and frustration that comes with his phD (and i mean to a point where he's raging mad and throwing stuff around) has had quite an impact on our sex life. Even when I beg for it now and when i tell him how much i need it, he just becomes really quiet and says that he doesn't know what to say. I've cried to him over it and told him that I feel extremely unattractive and insecure because of it, and have asked him if it's me or if it's because I've put on a couple of kilos or if it's because he doesn't like doing it with me anymore, and he says it's none of that, it's just him. He says that even when he's not at uni he's constantly thinking about it, it plagues his mind, he can't get his mind to rest at night, therefore has very rough sleeps. I sleep well, except lately due to him being unfaithful when he was overseas at a conference. I want to think that him having sex with that crazy engaged woman has nothing to do with him not wanting it from me, but I feel like I bore him. He still kisses me and holds my hand and cuddles/spoons me in bed, tells me I'm cute and calls me every day after uni to see what I'm doing, and we see each other nearly every single night. Should I start staying at home a bit more so he has space to get his head around his uni stuff? I never ever bother him when he studies or reads his papers from uni, and when he says he'll be at uni for another hour and then shows up two and a half hours later at my house, he says he got carried away. And I know that's true, I know he's not cheating on me because he's a very unusual guy and wouldn't waste his time on me if he wanted someone else. (the incident in america was purely because he was off his face, horny and wanted sex; he said the next day after he did it he felt bad and regretted it because he considered his actions not to be the best, and asked for heaps of sexy/raunchy photos of me to get that other woman out of his head). I'm really not sure what to do, because he doesn't like talking about stuff that we've already talked about and he ensures me that its not me its him, but I'm literally begging for it and forcing his hand down my pants but he just laughs and pushes me away. It's so weird because he's affectionate in every other way besides sex itself. I don't want to leave him, we've got something too good to give up, but this is pushing me over the edge. I'm a very sexual person, he knows that because when we first started seeing each other I was pouncing on him at the first sight of seeing him, as he was me. I spoke to him one night about it and he said that he feels pressured to have sex with me and like he's only doing it because I want to. He also says he doesn't want to do it if he can't do it properly (ie. no energy and too tired - which is what he's like every day.) I'm not sure what to do, I don't know how to make him horny or want me like he used to. It makes me cry and I lie awake at night crying about it while he sleeps. It sounds dysfunctional but like I said, we're great in every other area. Should I back off and start sleeping at my house more often, will it make him want me more when he does see me? Should I not ask for it at all and wait til he wants it? I don't know when that will be and I'm almost at breaking point. I even had a tantrum last night and ended up going for a cigarette on the balcony. Cigarettes instead of sex seems to be the norm at the moment. I'm in peices over this because I don't want to leave him but for a lot of women this is a reason why they do. :(
February 19, 2011 - 10:56pmThis Comment
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