I think the last part of your story is the most important, and it is not related to sex.
"Talking to him doesn't really help because not only does he get defensive but he shuts me out completely, rolls over and won't talk to me at all. He's not an emotional person and battles to talk about feelings etc."
If he wants a mature, healthy and long-term relationship, he needs to learn to talk about his feelings, as well as show care and concern about your feelings. A person who rolls over, shuts you out, becomes defensive is not displaying respect, care, concern, maturity or fair-fighting (or fair-talking) skills. I am sure he does care about you, respect you, etc....but his actions are not showing these feelings.
I would take "sex" out of the picture right now, as the basic foundation of this relationship needs some work. Many of us have "been there", and it's up to both of you if this is "the end of us" as you said, or if he is willing to put in the work into the relationship. It is so much easier to roll over, watch TV, etc than to talk with another human being and "deal" with that other person's feelings..but that is what a relationship is all about. A relationship is about dealing and talking through some of the tough times together, so that you can have many more good times. If he is not willing to talk with you through the tough times and thinks ignoring the issues will resolve them, or they will be forgotten, he really needs to grow up! (I say this, as I am in a similar situation.. my husband is 46 and is 11 years older than I am). We had some tough times, too (as many long-term relationships do), and he did not want to talk through some issues. Now that we have gotten past some of them (there will always be issues in a relationship), we have a deeper understanding of each other, and a deeper understanding of how to communicate with each other.
This is a crucial time in your relationship, as this is the time you are both learning how to effectively communicate with each other. If he refused to participate in this crucial step, I am not sure how the relationship could move forward in a healthy manner.
Please do not take this advice as an ultimatum with him. He could be a person who does not care anymore and does not know how to tell you he has lost interest, or, he could be a person who has never learned how to effectively communicate during difficult times, and may benefit from some couples counseling. It can take some time, but patience, care, appreciation and understanding from you will go a long ways!
Perhaps asking him to go to couples counseling would be helpful, as the third person helping you both "hear" and really listen to each other has been EXTREMELY helpful to me and my husband! That person can teach both of you "fair fighting" and effective communication skills...it will benefit both of you together and separately.
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I think the last part of your story is the most important, and it is not related to sex.
"Talking to him doesn't really help because not only does he get defensive but he shuts me out completely, rolls over and won't talk to me at all. He's not an emotional person and battles to talk about feelings etc."
If he wants a mature, healthy and long-term relationship, he needs to learn to talk about his feelings, as well as show care and concern about your feelings. A person who rolls over, shuts you out, becomes defensive is not displaying respect, care, concern, maturity or fair-fighting (or fair-talking) skills. I am sure he does care about you, respect you, etc....but his actions are not showing these feelings.
I would take "sex" out of the picture right now, as the basic foundation of this relationship needs some work. Many of us have "been there", and it's up to both of you if this is "the end of us" as you said, or if he is willing to put in the work into the relationship. It is so much easier to roll over, watch TV, etc than to talk with another human being and "deal" with that other person's feelings..but that is what a relationship is all about. A relationship is about dealing and talking through some of the tough times together, so that you can have many more good times. If he is not willing to talk with you through the tough times and thinks ignoring the issues will resolve them, or they will be forgotten, he really needs to grow up! (I say this, as I am in a similar situation.. my husband is 46 and is 11 years older than I am). We had some tough times, too (as many long-term relationships do), and he did not want to talk through some issues. Now that we have gotten past some of them (there will always be issues in a relationship), we have a deeper understanding of each other, and a deeper understanding of how to communicate with each other.
This is a crucial time in your relationship, as this is the time you are both learning how to effectively communicate with each other. If he refused to participate in this crucial step, I am not sure how the relationship could move forward in a healthy manner.
Please do not take this advice as an ultimatum with him. He could be a person who does not care anymore and does not know how to tell you he has lost interest, or, he could be a person who has never learned how to effectively communicate during difficult times, and may benefit from some couples counseling. It can take some time, but patience, care, appreciation and understanding from you will go a long ways!
Perhaps asking him to go to couples counseling would be helpful, as the third person helping you both "hear" and really listen to each other has been EXTREMELY helpful to me and my husband! That person can teach both of you "fair fighting" and effective communication skills...it will benefit both of you together and separately.
Good luck!
September 26, 2010 - 8:12amThis Comment
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