Thank you so much for writing. And welcome to EmpowHer.
I ache for you. Loving someone for as long as you have loved your husband -- and hoping that you will get back together -- makes everything twice as important. Nothing seems casual, it's all loaded with meaning -- does he or doesn't he? Will he or won't he? Do I want to or not? And that doesn't leave much room for just trusting your gut.
May I ask why you were separated for four years? Why you live several states apart? Was it after the affair he had? I am a little fuzzy on the timetable of things here.
And why has there been no divorce in all that time? What kept you two from calling it quits completely, even though you both were having relationships with other people?
I think if you're having doubts that he's committed to this, you are probably right. Even though he suggested it. And even though there is love on both sides. (It is absolutely possible to love someone while having no sexual sparks. And you didn't know that going into this re-trial period.)
You mentioned that you tried to reconnect before, but you didn't have the tools. I can tell from your question that you are a smart, thoughtful and loving person who has made a pretty full life for herself. Have you had any counseling? Would it be a good idea to get some now as you work through this mine field?
You are right -- to put this marriage back together again is going to take work. And it takes both people to work on it, not just you. I think that if I were in your position, I would find a therapist that I could go to to talk about this, because that therapist is a third party who is objective and who only has your best interests at heart. That therapist can guide you through your feelings and your worries -- while helping you steer clear of traps from the past.
Without knowing more, I have to say that it sounds like this relationship is one in which neither of you are comfortable making huge decisions on your own -- and therefore you have settled into this default period of being married but not really, being apart but not really. To break that pattern -- and either get back together for good or end it for good -- you may need some help to sort through it all. And this seems a great time for that.
What do you think about the possibility of working with a therapist or counselor for a little while on this situation?
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Hi, Anon,
Thank you so much for writing. And welcome to EmpowHer.
I ache for you. Loving someone for as long as you have loved your husband -- and hoping that you will get back together -- makes everything twice as important. Nothing seems casual, it's all loaded with meaning -- does he or doesn't he? Will he or won't he? Do I want to or not? And that doesn't leave much room for just trusting your gut.
May I ask why you were separated for four years? Why you live several states apart? Was it after the affair he had? I am a little fuzzy on the timetable of things here.
And why has there been no divorce in all that time? What kept you two from calling it quits completely, even though you both were having relationships with other people?
I think if you're having doubts that he's committed to this, you are probably right. Even though he suggested it. And even though there is love on both sides. (It is absolutely possible to love someone while having no sexual sparks. And you didn't know that going into this re-trial period.)
You mentioned that you tried to reconnect before, but you didn't have the tools. I can tell from your question that you are a smart, thoughtful and loving person who has made a pretty full life for herself. Have you had any counseling? Would it be a good idea to get some now as you work through this mine field?
You are right -- to put this marriage back together again is going to take work. And it takes both people to work on it, not just you. I think that if I were in your position, I would find a therapist that I could go to to talk about this, because that therapist is a third party who is objective and who only has your best interests at heart. That therapist can guide you through your feelings and your worries -- while helping you steer clear of traps from the past.
Without knowing more, I have to say that it sounds like this relationship is one in which neither of you are comfortable making huge decisions on your own -- and therefore you have settled into this default period of being married but not really, being apart but not really. To break that pattern -- and either get back together for good or end it for good -- you may need some help to sort through it all. And this seems a great time for that.
What do you think about the possibility of working with a therapist or counselor for a little while on this situation?
June 2, 2010 - 8:24amThis Comment
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