Thanks so much for your help. To answer your question. ..He wanted the divorce after 16 years of marriage...after the first affair. He told me the affair was to prove that he could still perform sexually.since he couldn't with me. (Was it my illness? It didn't leave me looking any different.) About a year later, he "fell in love" with a woman who left him, and then at one point after that, came home for a long weekend to try to get back together, but immediately left again (You can see why I'm a little concerned.) He has been through counseling, and seems more sincere now.
Yes, you're right. It is odd that we never went through with the divorce. Neither one of us could bring ourselves to get it. I've always wanted to get back together, but this is a fairly recent thing for him.
He's confused and unsure, especially about the physical issues...and that really concerns me as well. What is it that's in his way? It all leaves me feeling very skeptical (trust is hard to regain on many levels.) He lives with a sister and his mother, two people who have made many demands on him, causing me to feel in third place for many years. That adds to the logistical problems.
Our trip together proved that we have an abiding love for each other, but being close without marriage just isn't an option for me. It's just too painful. I want him to give this his all. To take the summer and work hard to see if we can do this. He accepts my requests, but, they are MY requests. I get the feeling he wants to take it slower than I do. I sometimes come across like I'm making demands, and I know that is certainly unattractive to him. Yet, I feel that if I don't give firm parameters, it's just going to drag on and on. It's hard sometimes to draw the line between co-dependency and real, honest, abiding love for someone you've shared so much with. A lot of those years together were wonderful. Again, I just wish I knew why he isn't attracted to me. Is it fear? Growing older? I guess counseling will be the only way to get to the bottom of it. I know that, unless we get that back, he won't commit in the long run.
My parents have been married 62 years and I saw how hard they worked to stay together...and they've never regretted it. His parents divorced when the children were young...affairs, remarriage, lots of baggage for the kids. Maybe it's a matter of role modes.
Thanks again for your thoughts and kindness. I can't tell you what it meant to get a reply during this trying time. This is a great site, and I plan on joining. And, yes, I'm taking your advice and getting back in counseling to get some clarity.
Comment Reply
Thanks so much for your help. To answer your question. ..He wanted the divorce after 16 years of marriage...after the first affair. He told me the affair was to prove that he could still perform sexually.since he couldn't with me. (Was it my illness? It didn't leave me looking any different.) About a year later, he "fell in love" with a woman who left him, and then at one point after that, came home for a long weekend to try to get back together, but immediately left again (You can see why I'm a little concerned.) He has been through counseling, and seems more sincere now.
Yes, you're right. It is odd that we never went through with the divorce. Neither one of us could bring ourselves to get it. I've always wanted to get back together, but this is a fairly recent thing for him.
He's confused and unsure, especially about the physical issues...and that really concerns me as well. What is it that's in his way? It all leaves me feeling very skeptical (trust is hard to regain on many levels.) He lives with a sister and his mother, two people who have made many demands on him, causing me to feel in third place for many years. That adds to the logistical problems.
Our trip together proved that we have an abiding love for each other, but being close without marriage just isn't an option for me. It's just too painful. I want him to give this his all. To take the summer and work hard to see if we can do this. He accepts my requests, but, they are MY requests. I get the feeling he wants to take it slower than I do. I sometimes come across like I'm making demands, and I know that is certainly unattractive to him. Yet, I feel that if I don't give firm parameters, it's just going to drag on and on. It's hard sometimes to draw the line between co-dependency and real, honest, abiding love for someone you've shared so much with. A lot of those years together were wonderful. Again, I just wish I knew why he isn't attracted to me. Is it fear? Growing older? I guess counseling will be the only way to get to the bottom of it. I know that, unless we get that back, he won't commit in the long run.
My parents have been married 62 years and I saw how hard they worked to stay together...and they've never regretted it. His parents divorced when the children were young...affairs, remarriage, lots of baggage for the kids. Maybe it's a matter of role modes.
Thanks again for your thoughts and kindness. I can't tell you what it meant to get a reply during this trying time. This is a great site, and I plan on joining. And, yes, I'm taking your advice and getting back in counseling to get some clarity.
June 2, 2010 - 5:48pmThis Comment
Reply