We actually do hear from quite a few women who are having the same experiences you are. Their boyfriends used to be very affectionate and intimate, and then suddenly aren't interested at all. Internet porn can be a cause of this, because it is easy, it's fantasy, the "women" involved online don't have needs or feelings, etc. It can lead to a habit of being more involved with the porn than with the partner in real life.
Please know that it's not that you won't "do" what he wants. Fantasy doesn't always translate to real life, either. For instance, he loves you, he thinks good things about you, he may not want to "confuse" that with the easy objectifying that the internet allows.
Could he be involved on online dating sites? Sure, it's possible. He wouldn't be the first. But the underlying thing that's happening here is that you are starting to distrust him, he is hiding things from you (and he's wrong, porn sites don't "pop up" unless you have visited something in the past that left a cookie on your computer), and you are wishing you could spy on him to get the truth. This is all really damaging to your longterm relationship regardless of the results, you know?
He doesn't pay attention to you, he doesn't respond well to talking about the situation, and he won't let you touch him. This is not trending well, no matter what is at the heart of it. And he doesn't seem to acknowledge that the lack of intimacy is even a problem.
This may be hard to hear, but I think couples counseling might be called for. It really really helps when you have an objective third party in the room who is very knowledgeable about relationships. And if your boyfriend won't consider that, I think you have to consider leaving. You are young, successful, thoughtful and attractive. You deserve a relationship that both people are participating in fully.
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Pocco,
We actually do hear from quite a few women who are having the same experiences you are. Their boyfriends used to be very affectionate and intimate, and then suddenly aren't interested at all. Internet porn can be a cause of this, because it is easy, it's fantasy, the "women" involved online don't have needs or feelings, etc. It can lead to a habit of being more involved with the porn than with the partner in real life.
Please know that it's not that you won't "do" what he wants. Fantasy doesn't always translate to real life, either. For instance, he loves you, he thinks good things about you, he may not want to "confuse" that with the easy objectifying that the internet allows.
Could he be involved on online dating sites? Sure, it's possible. He wouldn't be the first. But the underlying thing that's happening here is that you are starting to distrust him, he is hiding things from you (and he's wrong, porn sites don't "pop up" unless you have visited something in the past that left a cookie on your computer), and you are wishing you could spy on him to get the truth. This is all really damaging to your longterm relationship regardless of the results, you know?
He doesn't pay attention to you, he doesn't respond well to talking about the situation, and he won't let you touch him. This is not trending well, no matter what is at the heart of it. And he doesn't seem to acknowledge that the lack of intimacy is even a problem.
This may be hard to hear, but I think couples counseling might be called for. It really really helps when you have an objective third party in the room who is very knowledgeable about relationships. And if your boyfriend won't consider that, I think you have to consider leaving. You are young, successful, thoughtful and attractive. You deserve a relationship that both people are participating in fully.
June 30, 2010 - 9:07amThis Comment
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