I feel so cross when I read that he says this to you - "you know where the door is" - that seems a hurtful way to control you and stop you asking for a proper two-way communication within your relationship. I feel that he is being disrespectful of you, at the very least. Children from a former relationship can always be a minefield, as I am sure you realised before you moved in - but that can be dealt with far more kindly than just telling you to talk to them, instead of discussing things with him. Sometimes we do not really wish to "do" anything, we just need to debrief somewhere safe and loving, and get the matter off our chest, discuss it, and move on. My perception is that he is not allowing for that at all, indeed, he may not be aware that is what you sometimes need. And of course that will NOT always be the case, sometimes you may feel the need to speak to them and change some part of how you all interact. Talking it over with your partner, their father, first; is a sensible thing to do as he may have suggestions and also he has a much deeper knowledge of them. I wonder how old they are, and if they ever see their mother? Is that a bitter point with them, that he is parted from her?
It seems to me that he feels that your relationship with his children is entirely up to you, and nothing to do with him, and that is not quite true. As the 'intruder' in the house, you will face all kinds of open and covert resistance from the others, simply because you are the newest, nothing to do with you, or how they feel about you, this is a human dynamic.
Worry and hurt and stress are really good at assisting us to gain weight - so helpful of them, eh! It really sucks that we tend to lose our balance with food when we are upset. Do you still work, have you any outside interests? Can you support yourself? Because one of the things that you can do is go through the door that he is obligingly pointing out to you, and get on with your life. If he loves and wants you, then it is up to him to work out how to get you back. He may not want you back - have you considered this, that he may no longer be happy in the relationship, and does not want to continue? This may be so? It may hurt dreadfully to acknowledge that is true, but if that is how matters lie then at least you know and you can start work on making the rest of your life fit and good for you?
If you do decide to leave him please be prepared to find out that this may be final - I always told my children never to gamble with something that they could not bear/afford to lose, you know? If you are not prepared to even consider the end of the relationship maybe you need to try very hard to get through to him whilst still living there. Maybe get professional help, see a Relationships Counsellor? The thing is, the best way to get value from that is if you both go, I think. Maybe you could you write him a letter, clearly and calmly telling him how much you love him and want the relationship to work, and where you feel that it is not meeting your needs? You could ask if there are parts that are not good for him; and ask if you can work together to solve these problems also? As I said before, do be prepared to hear that he wants out of the relationship altogether. I may be way off-base, but if he is showing you the door every time you approach him with problems, it may be that he is using that gambit out of habit; or because he doesn't know what else to do; or because he is 'relationship lazy' - that is, you don't like it, you do the work; or maybe he really wants you to go? Or any any number of other reasons that I don't know -
I wonder does he really know, truly understand, how unhappy you feel? If he is not prepared to listen, and he deflects all your appeals to talk with telling you to go, he may not really know how you feel. And a lot will depend on the relationships he has had before, and the one he grew up in. Some folk do repeat the insults and aggravations that they witnessed as children, not really knowing how to be otherwise - very sad for them and everyone around them.
Take care - consider what you stand to lose, and what you need from life, and what this relationship means to you. I feel really strong empathy for you in what appears to me to be an intolerable situation - wishing you a clear resolution to this, and peace and happiness ahead -
Comment Reply
Dear Katie31
I feel so cross when I read that he says this to you - "you know where the door is" - that seems a hurtful way to control you and stop you asking for a proper two-way communication within your relationship. I feel that he is being disrespectful of you, at the very least. Children from a former relationship can always be a minefield, as I am sure you realised before you moved in - but that can be dealt with far more kindly than just telling you to talk to them, instead of discussing things with him. Sometimes we do not really wish to "do" anything, we just need to debrief somewhere safe and loving, and get the matter off our chest, discuss it, and move on. My perception is that he is not allowing for that at all, indeed, he may not be aware that is what you sometimes need. And of course that will NOT always be the case, sometimes you may feel the need to speak to them and change some part of how you all interact. Talking it over with your partner, their father, first; is a sensible thing to do as he may have suggestions and also he has a much deeper knowledge of them. I wonder how old they are, and if they ever see their mother? Is that a bitter point with them, that he is parted from her?
It seems to me that he feels that your relationship with his children is entirely up to you, and nothing to do with him, and that is not quite true. As the 'intruder' in the house, you will face all kinds of open and covert resistance from the others, simply because you are the newest, nothing to do with you, or how they feel about you, this is a human dynamic.
Worry and hurt and stress are really good at assisting us to gain weight - so helpful of them, eh! It really sucks that we tend to lose our balance with food when we are upset. Do you still work, have you any outside interests? Can you support yourself? Because one of the things that you can do is go through the door that he is obligingly pointing out to you, and get on with your life. If he loves and wants you, then it is up to him to work out how to get you back. He may not want you back - have you considered this, that he may no longer be happy in the relationship, and does not want to continue? This may be so? It may hurt dreadfully to acknowledge that is true, but if that is how matters lie then at least you know and you can start work on making the rest of your life fit and good for you?
If you do decide to leave him please be prepared to find out that this may be final - I always told my children never to gamble with something that they could not bear/afford to lose, you know? If you are not prepared to even consider the end of the relationship maybe you need to try very hard to get through to him whilst still living there. Maybe get professional help, see a Relationships Counsellor? The thing is, the best way to get value from that is if you both go, I think. Maybe you could you write him a letter, clearly and calmly telling him how much you love him and want the relationship to work, and where you feel that it is not meeting your needs? You could ask if there are parts that are not good for him; and ask if you can work together to solve these problems also? As I said before, do be prepared to hear that he wants out of the relationship altogether. I may be way off-base, but if he is showing you the door every time you approach him with problems, it may be that he is using that gambit out of habit; or because he doesn't know what else to do; or because he is 'relationship lazy' - that is, you don't like it, you do the work; or maybe he really wants you to go? Or any any number of other reasons that I don't know -
I wonder does he really know, truly understand, how unhappy you feel? If he is not prepared to listen, and he deflects all your appeals to talk with telling you to go, he may not really know how you feel. And a lot will depend on the relationships he has had before, and the one he grew up in. Some folk do repeat the insults and aggravations that they witnessed as children, not really knowing how to be otherwise - very sad for them and everyone around them.
Take care - consider what you stand to lose, and what you need from life, and what this relationship means to you. I feel really strong empathy for you in what appears to me to be an intolerable situation - wishing you a clear resolution to this, and peace and happiness ahead -
kind regards
July 5, 2010 - 3:42amCrow
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