I am a man with AS. I am married 17 years with two children, to a woman 8 years my senior. Communication is very difficult, and very recently I have written an emotional letter to an old flame of mine; partly because she hadn't known I am AS, and she should know, and partly because of the frustrations caused by our completely different forms of communication, my wife and I. It is already, to some degree, a betrayal. I may end up being unfaithful to her, with my old friend or with another woman.
This said, let us focus on your question. People (AS or NT) are all different, but I imagine your husband didn't enter a marriage unless that commitment with you meant something to him. Even in moments that communication is difficult, he will know that he owes you to not shut you out.
But to get out of 'sulking' mode (yes - that's what I call it for myself), he needs to see communication is going to go somewhere. For example, that there are specific things you want to find out or decisions you want to make, and that you can't make them without his contributions. You can also be very clear that the status quo - you being a helpful wife while he sleeps with someone else - won't do. If you can't communicate, and things aren't at the point where you just want to pack your bags, you could refuse to do certain things (cook... wash... shop... sex, of course) until you've started to talk about t=he isues that matter.
But like any communication with a man with AS, it will get better if you are very direct and purposeful, having an objective to achieve and being open about that. To me, with AS, implicit communication - nagging, showing emotion, bringing an important subject in a roundabout manner... - is all part of a social game that I don't understand or enjoy. I realise it sweetens the pill for most people; for us it's the opposite. Some of the tricks you know - use routine, communicate in writing, set a tone of seriousness that suits the need to be serious about it - could apply.
You want to bring him round? Since you need something specific and he has no right to refuse, be direct, be purposeful, demand that you two look at the state of your life together as the first step to improve both your lives.
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I am a man with AS. I am married 17 years with two children, to a woman 8 years my senior. Communication is very difficult, and very recently I have written an emotional letter to an old flame of mine; partly because she hadn't known I am AS, and she should know, and partly because of the frustrations caused by our completely different forms of communication, my wife and I. It is already, to some degree, a betrayal. I may end up being unfaithful to her, with my old friend or with another woman.
This said, let us focus on your question. People (AS or NT) are all different, but I imagine your husband didn't enter a marriage unless that commitment with you meant something to him. Even in moments that communication is difficult, he will know that he owes you to not shut you out.
But to get out of 'sulking' mode (yes - that's what I call it for myself), he needs to see communication is going to go somewhere. For example, that there are specific things you want to find out or decisions you want to make, and that you can't make them without his contributions. You can also be very clear that the status quo - you being a helpful wife while he sleeps with someone else - won't do. If you can't communicate, and things aren't at the point where you just want to pack your bags, you could refuse to do certain things (cook... wash... shop... sex, of course) until you've started to talk about t=he isues that matter.
But like any communication with a man with AS, it will get better if you are very direct and purposeful, having an objective to achieve and being open about that. To me, with AS, implicit communication - nagging, showing emotion, bringing an important subject in a roundabout manner... - is all part of a social game that I don't understand or enjoy. I realise it sweetens the pill for most people; for us it's the opposite. Some of the tricks you know - use routine, communicate in writing, set a tone of seriousness that suits the need to be serious about it - could apply.
You want to bring him round? Since you need something specific and he has no right to refuse, be direct, be purposeful, demand that you two look at the state of your life together as the first step to improve both your lives.
September 3, 2015 - 4:15pmThis Comment
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