My husband has recently received a dx of Aspergers, we have been best friends and in and out of relationships with each other for 10 years and got married just over a year ago. We separated after 5 months (making it permanent at 7 months), me with an anxiety disorder that developed after 3 months of marriage to him. His AS obession is also other women (one in particular, who was the 'best man' at our wedding, and women in general), I thought that this would stop after our marriage but it didn't. He has done lots of secular and church 'personal development' and relationship courses (this is his 'special interest') and uses this vast 'knowledge' (that he is neurologically unable to apply in his own life) to engage single women in conversations about their personal emotional problems and then 'advises' them, giving him a lot of personal gratification. The more attractive and slim the woman is the more effort he invests in gaining her inappropriate disclosure in order to 'instruct' her about how she should be treated and boost her self esteem. His response to my requests to stop this behaviour is the usual Asperger 'shut down' response that you have mentioned. Like most spouses of AS husbands, I found it hard to leave as I grew to love him as a gentle, kind man who showered me with attention, then changed almost overnight into a controlling, emotionally detached and sometimes psychologically abusive person (abuse that he could always 'logically' justify), and I hoped and tried to do everything 'right' to get back to the almost addictively nice person I had first experienced him as. Unfortunately, these intense episodes of 'nice' during the pursuit phases of our relationships (and engagement) were nothing but a very convincing performance that he could turn on and off at will (but cost him a huge amount of effort to sustain) and only lasted up until we had consolidated a relationship (the last time, getting married) and he no longer needed to keep up the pretense and became emotionally detached again, which resulted in escalating emotional distress for me as his uncontrolled social/emotional and communication deficits (that he was unable to accept and blamed me for) robbed our relationship attempts and later marriage, of trust and intimacy.
May I suggest that you find a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in adult aspergers and understands it from both the AS person and the spouse's perspective, this is extremely important, and discuss your situation with them. I can't tell you how important this is to do the research to find the right help, as only a person who who specialises professionally in it can understand and explain your husband's AS behaviours (in light of the deficits that cause them) and your responses (which are normal for non-AS women in AS relationships) and help you respond in a way that will help rebuild your self esteem, conserve your emotional and mental health and help decrease conflict (for you both) whilst you work toward a longer term solution. Best wishes.
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My husband has recently received a dx of Aspergers, we have been best friends and in and out of relationships with each other for 10 years and got married just over a year ago. We separated after 5 months (making it permanent at 7 months), me with an anxiety disorder that developed after 3 months of marriage to him. His AS obession is also other women (one in particular, who was the 'best man' at our wedding, and women in general), I thought that this would stop after our marriage but it didn't. He has done lots of secular and church 'personal development' and relationship courses (this is his 'special interest') and uses this vast 'knowledge' (that he is neurologically unable to apply in his own life) to engage single women in conversations about their personal emotional problems and then 'advises' them, giving him a lot of personal gratification. The more attractive and slim the woman is the more effort he invests in gaining her inappropriate disclosure in order to 'instruct' her about how she should be treated and boost her self esteem. His response to my requests to stop this behaviour is the usual Asperger 'shut down' response that you have mentioned. Like most spouses of AS husbands, I found it hard to leave as I grew to love him as a gentle, kind man who showered me with attention, then changed almost overnight into a controlling, emotionally detached and sometimes psychologically abusive person (abuse that he could always 'logically' justify), and I hoped and tried to do everything 'right' to get back to the almost addictively nice person I had first experienced him as. Unfortunately, these intense episodes of 'nice' during the pursuit phases of our relationships (and engagement) were nothing but a very convincing performance that he could turn on and off at will (but cost him a huge amount of effort to sustain) and only lasted up until we had consolidated a relationship (the last time, getting married) and he no longer needed to keep up the pretense and became emotionally detached again, which resulted in escalating emotional distress for me as his uncontrolled social/emotional and communication deficits (that he was unable to accept and blamed me for) robbed our relationship attempts and later marriage, of trust and intimacy.
January 5, 2011 - 6:13amMay I suggest that you find a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in adult aspergers and understands it from both the AS person and the spouse's perspective, this is extremely important, and discuss your situation with them. I can't tell you how important this is to do the research to find the right help, as only a person who who specialises professionally in it can understand and explain your husband's AS behaviours (in light of the deficits that cause them) and your responses (which are normal for non-AS women in AS relationships) and help you respond in a way that will help rebuild your self esteem, conserve your emotional and mental health and help decrease conflict (for you both) whilst you work toward a longer term solution. Best wishes.
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