You have very valid concerns, and I think you and your husband would benefit from a marriage counselor. I say this, not because I think you are "doomed"...but because of the opposite: I think you both can work to improve your relationship and create the marriage you both want with a little guidance. It sounds like there are simple solutions (perhaps not "easy" solutions) that need to be discussed with BOTH of you present, to a third party who can help facilitate conversation.
There are many emotional, mental and physical aspects that are all tangled up, and I truly believe a counselor is the person who could help you both, probably in just a few months. It sounds like your husband has some issues with "letting go", and trusting that his son will be OK without him. I don't believe you can even begin on the sex issues until this part is resolved; there is little you can do to get back into your own bed with this powerful struggle (the child will win, as this is the bigger tug-of-the-heart and insecurity).
I have a preemie son also (he is now 4 years old), and know the fear that comes along with the health issues. However, there is a time when a parent needs to let go and allow the child to be independent. I don't think you are in the best position to tell your husband this news, as a few things need to happen first:
a) he needs to hear from his son's pediatrician that his son can sleep alone
b) he needs to feel confident that he can identify and react to his son's signs and symptoms when/if he does need be monitored at night
c) he needs to feel heard without judgment about how scared he is, what he has gone through the last 5 years with his son, and not feel that he will need to change his actions....it is just to vent (he is responsible to you for changing his behaviors, but to a counselor, he could just vent with you hearing him, and then the counselor can skillfully move the venting into a productive discussion)
d) he needs to talk through his philosophy regarding the "family bed" and the pros/cons for everyone involved, as well as what his vision is for future "family bed" when his son is 6 years old....16 years old.... and all the in-between years
In the meantime, you can also begin reassuring your husband in healthy ways that you are healthy enough for sex and everyday living. You can begin exercising, meeting with a personal trainer who can get baseline stats on you (so you can see the progress), talking with a Registered Dietitian (R.D.) about a healthy meal plan, take healthy cooking classes and begin preparing new meals at home (they can be quick and inexpensive).
I think these two steps (calling a counselor and creating a healthy lifestyle plan for yourself) can begin a tremendous healing process for both of you. Perhaps your husband would even join you in exercising and healthy eating, and he would feel better about his health (you did not mention if his health is preventing him from the ability to keep an erection, or if he has low libido...these can all side effects of diabetes).
Comment Reply
Hi jmd,
You have very valid concerns, and I think you and your husband would benefit from a marriage counselor. I say this, not because I think you are "doomed"...but because of the opposite: I think you both can work to improve your relationship and create the marriage you both want with a little guidance. It sounds like there are simple solutions (perhaps not "easy" solutions) that need to be discussed with BOTH of you present, to a third party who can help facilitate conversation.
There are many emotional, mental and physical aspects that are all tangled up, and I truly believe a counselor is the person who could help you both, probably in just a few months. It sounds like your husband has some issues with "letting go", and trusting that his son will be OK without him. I don't believe you can even begin on the sex issues until this part is resolved; there is little you can do to get back into your own bed with this powerful struggle (the child will win, as this is the bigger tug-of-the-heart and insecurity).
I have a preemie son also (he is now 4 years old), and know the fear that comes along with the health issues. However, there is a time when a parent needs to let go and allow the child to be independent. I don't think you are in the best position to tell your husband this news, as a few things need to happen first:
a) he needs to hear from his son's pediatrician that his son can sleep alone
b) he needs to feel confident that he can identify and react to his son's signs and symptoms when/if he does need be monitored at night
c) he needs to feel heard without judgment about how scared he is, what he has gone through the last 5 years with his son, and not feel that he will need to change his actions....it is just to vent (he is responsible to you for changing his behaviors, but to a counselor, he could just vent with you hearing him, and then the counselor can skillfully move the venting into a productive discussion)
d) he needs to talk through his philosophy regarding the "family bed" and the pros/cons for everyone involved, as well as what his vision is for future "family bed" when his son is 6 years old....16 years old.... and all the in-between years
In the meantime, you can also begin reassuring your husband in healthy ways that you are healthy enough for sex and everyday living. You can begin exercising, meeting with a personal trainer who can get baseline stats on you (so you can see the progress), talking with a Registered Dietitian (R.D.) about a healthy meal plan, take healthy cooking classes and begin preparing new meals at home (they can be quick and inexpensive).
I think these two steps (calling a counselor and creating a healthy lifestyle plan for yourself) can begin a tremendous healing process for both of you. Perhaps your husband would even join you in exercising and healthy eating, and he would feel better about his health (you did not mention if his health is preventing him from the ability to keep an erection, or if he has low libido...these can all side effects of diabetes).
Please keep us updated!
March 1, 2011 - 1:13pmThis Comment
Reply