For my entire life, I have had just one memory... a painful one of abuse by my father. I don't even know if I can call it abuse. It is a memory of very uncomfortable interaction. He held me down on his lap... and there was more. My father died when I was 13 so I am pretty sure this happened within a year or two of his death. I remember he was very strict with me, and I remember being uncomfortable around him. At his wake I remember losing it, and collapsing to the ground when I saw him lying in the coffin. I did not go to the burial. My mother felt I was too traumatized by his death. From that day I never shed another tear over losing him.
I have never said a word about my memory to my mother as I didn't want her to ever feel responsible. It definitely affected my life. I have had failed marriages, relationships, and never really have felt at peace. I KNOW this happened, this is real, and after 40 years of keeping it inside, I am having trouble burying it. I am afraid that once I seek counseling, which I am going to do, that it will open it all up and I will remember even more abuse.
I do not know what to do. My mother is now 76 years old. I have two brothers who idolized my father. If this comes out, my family will be destroyed.
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For my entire life, I have had just one memory... a painful one of abuse by my father. I don't even know if I can call it abuse. It is a memory of very uncomfortable interaction. He held me down on his lap... and there was more. My father died when I was 13 so I am pretty sure this happened within a year or two of his death. I remember he was very strict with me, and I remember being uncomfortable around him. At his wake I remember losing it, and collapsing to the ground when I saw him lying in the coffin. I did not go to the burial. My mother felt I was too traumatized by his death. From that day I never shed another tear over losing him.
I have never said a word about my memory to my mother as I didn't want her to ever feel responsible. It definitely affected my life. I have had failed marriages, relationships, and never really have felt at peace. I KNOW this happened, this is real, and after 40 years of keeping it inside, I am having trouble burying it. I am afraid that once I seek counseling, which I am going to do, that it will open it all up and I will remember even more abuse.
I do not know what to do. My mother is now 76 years old. I have two brothers who idolized my father. If this comes out, my family will be destroyed.
April 17, 2016 - 11:28amThis Comment
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