I just wish I had known the signs and had the information available years ago. I was with my ex husband 29 years. He was a professional person, very good at manipulating people. He liked to come across as the good guy, friend, son and husband to other people. He was moody, constantly critical, controlled everything. Money, what could or could not be spent on the house. He made me feel like I was walking on eggshells most of the time. He made me feel guilty if I went out when he was at work but I was not wanted to work as I was needed to look after the kids. His job was important and suggestion of my working was put down. I was accussed of being over sensitive if I complained about his put downs or mean jokes. My health suffered, I became depressed. He wanted sex and lots of it but I was often reeling from the emotional hurt or lonely because of his long moods. He could keep these moods up for days until I backed down and did what he wanted. There was always a reason why I couldn`t do things and have some freedom to go shopping, out with a girlfriend. Things were financially tight. We had to be careful, not make unnecessary car journeys. We had a mortgage, a practice loan (Medical) at one point school fees. Even when the kids came out of private school it was the same. He was very good at make up valid reasons as to why I was made to feel guilty if I disabayed. I didn`t contribute financially. He didn`t want me to work. I had underlying health problems take off which he refused to accept. He made me doubt myself. Even when I got diagnosed with a multi system inflammatory disease he continued to convince family and friends he didn`t think I had it. Eventually I realised I didn`t voice an opinion any more for fear of ridicule in both public and private. Then he started to become abusive in bed. He threatened to take my children from me even though they were either at university or about to start. I ended up trying to commit suicide as I felt there was no way out. I felt I was the problem, if only I was like..... if I was prettier, had more conversation. Had a job which made me equal then I could have a say or choices. I was made to feel I had brought nothing in to the relationship. Everything was about him, his job. His hobbies. How knowledgeable he was, how witty he was. What a good husband, father and friend he was. In reality he was a complete control freak. Because I rang my eldest sister who was several counties away asking her to take a caring interest in my kids if I was not there anymore she talked to me and spotted the warning signs which I was by this time incapable or recognising. She got medical help and stepped in the help and guide me through such a terrible time. It took two years to finally get divorced. I had never been told about finances, assets, pensions, savings. After a death in my family and his playing the children to side with him I ended up in hospital with heart problems. Thankfully kind friends stepped in to look after me as I had no family around. Did I take him to the cleaners. No, I walked away with considerably less than the judge recommended. I couldn`t take any more. By this stage I couldn`t say a sentance without stuttering or shaking. My kids were in a state too. As I said my ex was a very good manipulator. Yes I had a breakdown, He kept the family home and I was the one to leave. I couldn`t physically look after a big house and garden. Yet it turned out he was the one with the affair. Nearly 10 years ago I didn`t even know how to use a computer. I had never paid a bill. Made any sort of financial decission as I was never allowed to. Why didn`t I leave earlier. I was so put down, chipped away at, made to feel so inadequate I had lost confidence. I couldn`t work due to health problems and inflammatory arthritis. He could be so charming and convince me the situation we struggled financially for years would improve when the children got older. Left school and went on to college. I believed him. He would every so often buy me some lovely gifts which were for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. But as time went on I couldn`t understand why friends younger than us had holidays, did their homes up etc and they were younger than us and would have had less coming in than a professional person. By then I was recognising his behaviour as controlling. I was also being excluded from evening out as it wouldn`t have been something I would have enjoyed. I suspected he was having an affair and accussed him of it. Which of couse he denied. My youngest found out and took me on one side. Telling me that know matter what I did to try and make daddy happy it would never be enough. I felt angry and hurt and thought I would never get over it. Nine years on and I have built a new life by the sea. I still have some close friends from my previous marriage. Plus some lovely new ones. It has been a steep learning curve and I am still growing. People like me for myself. I am not the wittiest. Or as pretty and slim as I once was. High dose steroids have contributed to that. But I am no longer depressed. I have a lovely kind partner who loves me just as I am. My kids have become closer as they realise no matter what the distance I am only a phone call or a 4.30 min car journey away. They are just pleased I am happier and content with my life by the sea. I tell you all my story to let you know there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am not that person any more. I have done several college courses. Plus learnt how to use a computer. Had many compliments of my various abilities in dealing with people and difficult situations. This week I am running for election. I never thought I would ever end up in politics. Albeit local government ones. I have achieved more in the last 9 years than I did in nearly 30 before my divorce. Do I regret my first marriage, I wouldn`t have had the lovely, kind, bright and thoughtful children I have. I only wish there had been more information available when I was going though that time of my life. My biggest bug bear - my GP who was a friend of the family not being honest with me when I ended up ill in hospital. With various tests Chlamydia was picked up. I didn`t know it was sexually transmitted. I even asked that question only to be told it can take off like thrush can if a person is run down or immune system is compromised. I had never been unfaithful. Absolute B...Sh...!! Then again, maybe because my ex was a medical professional I was told this. Or maybe my GP was trying to be kind to spare me the upset the reality would cause. I tell anyone in an abusive relationship. Seek help, be honest with your doctor and family. When a person is not respected then how can they be properly loved and cared for. Quite simply they can`t. Get yourself out of the abusive situation. Yes it will be hard. But long term it will be well worth it. You deserve happiness. Only you can be the one to do anything about it. You will find it daunting. But remember this - each new day after that toxic relationship will be a new day every day for the rest of your life. Make the most of it, try new things without fear of failure or ridicule. You will be amazed at how much you will grow emotionally and confidently. Do it, life is not a dress rehearsal - you will get over it and you will heal. You cannot change a control freak, you can no longer make or accept excusses. Get advice, take control. It is your life, don`t lose any more time. You have lost enough of it already.
Comment Reply
I just wish I had known the signs and had the information available years ago. I was with my ex husband 29 years. He was a professional person, very good at manipulating people. He liked to come across as the good guy, friend, son and husband to other people. He was moody, constantly critical, controlled everything. Money, what could or could not be spent on the house. He made me feel like I was walking on eggshells most of the time. He made me feel guilty if I went out when he was at work but I was not wanted to work as I was needed to look after the kids. His job was important and suggestion of my working was put down. I was accussed of being over sensitive if I complained about his put downs or mean jokes. My health suffered, I became depressed. He wanted sex and lots of it but I was often reeling from the emotional hurt or lonely because of his long moods. He could keep these moods up for days until I backed down and did what he wanted. There was always a reason why I couldn`t do things and have some freedom to go shopping, out with a girlfriend. Things were financially tight. We had to be careful, not make unnecessary car journeys. We had a mortgage, a practice loan (Medical) at one point school fees. Even when the kids came out of private school it was the same. He was very good at make up valid reasons as to why I was made to feel guilty if I disabayed. I didn`t contribute financially. He didn`t want me to work. I had underlying health problems take off which he refused to accept. He made me doubt myself. Even when I got diagnosed with a multi system inflammatory disease he continued to convince family and friends he didn`t think I had it. Eventually I realised I didn`t voice an opinion any more for fear of ridicule in both public and private. Then he started to become abusive in bed. He threatened to take my children from me even though they were either at university or about to start. I ended up trying to commit suicide as I felt there was no way out. I felt I was the problem, if only I was like..... if I was prettier, had more conversation. Had a job which made me equal then I could have a say or choices. I was made to feel I had brought nothing in to the relationship. Everything was about him, his job. His hobbies. How knowledgeable he was, how witty he was. What a good husband, father and friend he was. In reality he was a complete control freak. Because I rang my eldest sister who was several counties away asking her to take a caring interest in my kids if I was not there anymore she talked to me and spotted the warning signs which I was by this time incapable or recognising. She got medical help and stepped in the help and guide me through such a terrible time. It took two years to finally get divorced. I had never been told about finances, assets, pensions, savings. After a death in my family and his playing the children to side with him I ended up in hospital with heart problems. Thankfully kind friends stepped in to look after me as I had no family around. Did I take him to the cleaners. No, I walked away with considerably less than the judge recommended. I couldn`t take any more. By this stage I couldn`t say a sentance without stuttering or shaking. My kids were in a state too. As I said my ex was a very good manipulator. Yes I had a breakdown, He kept the family home and I was the one to leave. I couldn`t physically look after a big house and garden. Yet it turned out he was the one with the affair. Nearly 10 years ago I didn`t even know how to use a computer. I had never paid a bill. Made any sort of financial decission as I was never allowed to. Why didn`t I leave earlier. I was so put down, chipped away at, made to feel so inadequate I had lost confidence. I couldn`t work due to health problems and inflammatory arthritis. He could be so charming and convince me the situation we struggled financially for years would improve when the children got older. Left school and went on to college. I believed him. He would every so often buy me some lovely gifts which were for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. But as time went on I couldn`t understand why friends younger than us had holidays, did their homes up etc and they were younger than us and would have had less coming in than a professional person. By then I was recognising his behaviour as controlling. I was also being excluded from evening out as it wouldn`t have been something I would have enjoyed. I suspected he was having an affair and accussed him of it. Which of couse he denied. My youngest found out and took me on one side. Telling me that know matter what I did to try and make daddy happy it would never be enough. I felt angry and hurt and thought I would never get over it. Nine years on and I have built a new life by the sea. I still have some close friends from my previous marriage. Plus some lovely new ones. It has been a steep learning curve and I am still growing. People like me for myself. I am not the wittiest. Or as pretty and slim as I once was. High dose steroids have contributed to that. But I am no longer depressed. I have a lovely kind partner who loves me just as I am. My kids have become closer as they realise no matter what the distance I am only a phone call or a 4.30 min car journey away. They are just pleased I am happier and content with my life by the sea. I tell you all my story to let you know there is life at the end of the tunnel. I am not that person any more. I have done several college courses. Plus learnt how to use a computer. Had many compliments of my various abilities in dealing with people and difficult situations. This week I am running for election. I never thought I would ever end up in politics. Albeit local government ones. I have achieved more in the last 9 years than I did in nearly 30 before my divorce. Do I regret my first marriage, I wouldn`t have had the lovely, kind, bright and thoughtful children I have. I only wish there had been more information available when I was going though that time of my life. My biggest bug bear - my GP who was a friend of the family not being honest with me when I ended up ill in hospital. With various tests Chlamydia was picked up. I didn`t know it was sexually transmitted. I even asked that question only to be told it can take off like thrush can if a person is run down or immune system is compromised. I had never been unfaithful. Absolute B...Sh...!! Then again, maybe because my ex was a medical professional I was told this. Or maybe my GP was trying to be kind to spare me the upset the reality would cause. I tell anyone in an abusive relationship. Seek help, be honest with your doctor and family. When a person is not respected then how can they be properly loved and cared for. Quite simply they can`t. Get yourself out of the abusive situation. Yes it will be hard. But long term it will be well worth it. You deserve happiness. Only you can be the one to do anything about it. You will find it daunting. But remember this - each new day after that toxic relationship will be a new day every day for the rest of your life. Make the most of it, try new things without fear of failure or ridicule. You will be amazed at how much you will grow emotionally and confidently. Do it, life is not a dress rehearsal - you will get over it and you will heal. You cannot change a control freak, you can no longer make or accept excusses. Get advice, take control. It is your life, don`t lose any more time. You have lost enough of it already.
May 4, 2015 - 6:16pmThis Comment
Reply