I started dating my now husband when I was only 17 and I felt a sense of freedom that I had never felt before. I came from an abusive household where my sister and I were brought up by a mother with very bad mental health issues and we were very secluded and not aloud to spend time with other children outside of school. It took me a long time to free myself of my family, but my now husband really helped me. He wasn't perfect. In fact, he often made remarks about my physique, my weight, my friends and my family, but I let it slide because I was in love and I felt like he was the first person I could talk to about the hell I experienced at home. We lived together throughout our studies, we got married and had kids.
After my first child was born I had some post natal depression and had bad anxiety attacks that made me stay at home a lot. As we live in a town far from any family and friends i was really isolated. When my daughter was nearly a year old I decided I would go back to finish my studies (that I had broken off because I was pregnant) and he made me feel really guilty about it. He talked about how the whole family had to suffer so I could finish my studies and how he had to pay for a babysitter. And I did feel guilty, so I really put my head down and studied hard. I never socialised with any of my fellow students and always turned down their invitations because I thought it wasn't fair on my family and I was scared that it might upset my husband. He never felt bad about socialising though, but I thought he had a right to it because he was earning the money and I was only looking out for my studies. Of course he would also reinforce this by telling me that I wasn't entitled to anything because I didn't work and that it was his money to spend. I should be happy to even have food on the table.
Then, as I was pregnant with my second and just before my finals, he decided to go on a trip with his brother for 2 weeks to Japan. I was shocked because he wouldn't even let me go for a coffee and I thought we had troubles with money, but there we was, flying to the other side of the planet and at a time when I needed his help and support the most.
I almost failed my exams and I was so stressed out that I started having contractions and was so scared that my baby would be born prematurely. Then, when my baby wasn't even a month old he went on another holiday, to Italy this time, for another 2 weeks. This is when my postnatal depression started and I've been finding it hard to cope. I've been caring for 2 children and sometimes have angry outbursts where I lose my temper at one of the children and scream at them. I never hit them, but my husband still manages to make me feel like the worst mother in the world. He compares me to my mother and although I know I am nothing like her (she often became very violent) I still have this knit in my stomach that I could be harming them in some way.
He, on the other hand, feels no remorse whatsoever in slapping our 3 year old girl in the face when she refuses to put on her shoes or has a temper tantrum. And when I confront him about it, because I refuse to let anyone hurt my children, he projects it all right back at me and tells me that he is stressed because he had to do all the work of looking after her while I was taking care of baby.
He makes me feel guilty for eating too much or for buying things that he doesn't use (like my shampoo or moisturiser or a box of cereal). He complains that the house is a mess but if I then ask him to mind the kids for an hour so I can tidy and clean he complains about that. If I tidy but let my baby cry a little so I can get something done he'll complain that I'm neglecting the children.
I just don't know what to think. I feel like such a failure and I hate him for making me feel like this. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder if there's something I'm not seeing and if I'm the problem.
I don't have any friends or family to talk to because I've always sacrificed everything for this relationship and I have nobody to ask. All of my friends are just his friends that I sometimes get to spend time with when they come over to the house. And they all love him because he's a very charismatic person.
I've considered leaving him, but I'm afraid that he will take my children away from me and use my depression against me. And I have no job and no support system and I'm not a very strong person. I don't think I would have the confidence or know how and I couldn't live without my children.
I'm so lost. Please help me make sense of this.
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I started dating my now husband when I was only 17 and I felt a sense of freedom that I had never felt before. I came from an abusive household where my sister and I were brought up by a mother with very bad mental health issues and we were very secluded and not aloud to spend time with other children outside of school. It took me a long time to free myself of my family, but my now husband really helped me. He wasn't perfect. In fact, he often made remarks about my physique, my weight, my friends and my family, but I let it slide because I was in love and I felt like he was the first person I could talk to about the hell I experienced at home. We lived together throughout our studies, we got married and had kids.
April 19, 2017 - 2:42pmAfter my first child was born I had some post natal depression and had bad anxiety attacks that made me stay at home a lot. As we live in a town far from any family and friends i was really isolated. When my daughter was nearly a year old I decided I would go back to finish my studies (that I had broken off because I was pregnant) and he made me feel really guilty about it. He talked about how the whole family had to suffer so I could finish my studies and how he had to pay for a babysitter. And I did feel guilty, so I really put my head down and studied hard. I never socialised with any of my fellow students and always turned down their invitations because I thought it wasn't fair on my family and I was scared that it might upset my husband. He never felt bad about socialising though, but I thought he had a right to it because he was earning the money and I was only looking out for my studies. Of course he would also reinforce this by telling me that I wasn't entitled to anything because I didn't work and that it was his money to spend. I should be happy to even have food on the table.
Then, as I was pregnant with my second and just before my finals, he decided to go on a trip with his brother for 2 weeks to Japan. I was shocked because he wouldn't even let me go for a coffee and I thought we had troubles with money, but there we was, flying to the other side of the planet and at a time when I needed his help and support the most.
I almost failed my exams and I was so stressed out that I started having contractions and was so scared that my baby would be born prematurely. Then, when my baby wasn't even a month old he went on another holiday, to Italy this time, for another 2 weeks. This is when my postnatal depression started and I've been finding it hard to cope. I've been caring for 2 children and sometimes have angry outbursts where I lose my temper at one of the children and scream at them. I never hit them, but my husband still manages to make me feel like the worst mother in the world. He compares me to my mother and although I know I am nothing like her (she often became very violent) I still have this knit in my stomach that I could be harming them in some way.
He, on the other hand, feels no remorse whatsoever in slapping our 3 year old girl in the face when she refuses to put on her shoes or has a temper tantrum. And when I confront him about it, because I refuse to let anyone hurt my children, he projects it all right back at me and tells me that he is stressed because he had to do all the work of looking after her while I was taking care of baby.
He makes me feel guilty for eating too much or for buying things that he doesn't use (like my shampoo or moisturiser or a box of cereal). He complains that the house is a mess but if I then ask him to mind the kids for an hour so I can tidy and clean he complains about that. If I tidy but let my baby cry a little so I can get something done he'll complain that I'm neglecting the children.
I just don't know what to think. I feel like such a failure and I hate him for making me feel like this. I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder if there's something I'm not seeing and if I'm the problem.
I don't have any friends or family to talk to because I've always sacrificed everything for this relationship and I have nobody to ask. All of my friends are just his friends that I sometimes get to spend time with when they come over to the house. And they all love him because he's a very charismatic person.
I've considered leaving him, but I'm afraid that he will take my children away from me and use my depression against me. And I have no job and no support system and I'm not a very strong person. I don't think I would have the confidence or know how and I couldn't live without my children.
I'm so lost. Please help me make sense of this.
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