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Honesty is usually the best policy in relationships. You are bothered by this (most of us would, especially since the pictures were added recently), and you can absolutely feel that you can share your feelings and talk about this topic openly.

What is important is to know you are sharing your feelings with him. You are not accusing, blaming, laying-on-the-guilt, suggesting he is ruining your relationship or your self-esteem (and all the other emotional "tricks" that are so often used in relationships).

You had permission to use your boyfriends computer (I assume), and you innocently found pictures on his computer. These pictures caused you to have mixed emotions...and you can simply say these words, and reassure him that you are not accusing him of anything...you really wanted to let him know you were shocked or confused [insert your emotion] why there are recent pictures of an ex-fling on his computer. You can let him know that you feel secure in your relationship with him, but honestly, this made you feel a little insecure, and you would like to hear from him about his thoughts.

Let him share his thoughts or feelings with you. If he turns around and blames you, becomes angry or attacking...you can let him know you are not attacking him, and wanted to have an honest conversation about what you each think is OK in regards to the opposite gender.

Does he feel it is OK for you to have ex-boyfriend pictures on your computer? What about naked pictures of random men? What is OK for him, in regards to the role the opposite gender plays in your life while you are dating him?

These are important conversations to have, as we all live in a world where there are attractive men and women, and we want to feel that our boyfriend/girlfriend finds us the MOST attractive. Building trust can improve your relationship through difficult conversations, while you define relationship boundaries.

You can not tell him not to look at women, just as you can not tell him to not have pictures of women on his own computer. You can tell him it bothers you, and be specific that it is the RECENT picture of a girl he had sex with that bothers you. Why does it bother you, exactly? Do you fear that he wants to have sex with her again? That he is keeping up with her on facebook? If you can share your specific concerns and fears with him, I hope he can communicate openly with you in a way that is reassuring and/or explanatory in regards to the timing of the pictures, and his future intentions.

In any relationship...the "meaning" behind his actions will only be tested with time, and hopefully with honest communication. Please build up the trust, so that if he ever does need to have an honest conversation with you that is difficult, he will be able to talk with you (and not hide anything from you, if this is your fear).

April 26, 2011 - 11:00am

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