I am sorry you are going through this! Let's see if we can offer some helpful advice or support.
My reactions after I read your post:
1. You are the primary person compromising in your relationship to get him to like you (changing your appearance, your likes, your dislikes, changing where you sleep, agreeing to his suggestions).
2. You are accepting poor communication from your partner, for instance, "I don't know" or "I promise I will..." (with no follow-through) are not reasonbable answers for a long-term, committed relationship.
This really IS about you, right? And no, it is not about the sex. Not at all. You are allowing yourself to change who you are for the possibility of your boyfriend to find you attractive and show affection. We assume he loves you, but why wouldn't he? I'm sure you are nice, friendly, attractive and accommodating to his needs. He asks you to change, and you do. You ask him a question, and he doesn't have to respond. You tell him it is unacceptable for a dog to sleep in your bed, and he says "OK" and does it anyways. He watches TV instead of communicating. He even asks you to buy the birth control, and you do. I'm sure you have expectations of him that you have not listed, but please know that you are not following-through on YOUR expectations of him, just as he is not following-through on his communication or promises with you. Neither of these behaviors are going to build a strong foundation of trust, mutual understanding and respect, nor communication or intimacy.
You both need to figure out what you are committed to, if you are invested in this relationship at the same level, what you can compromise on, what you each need to learn about one another. If he can pay lip-service to your feelings and you accept this (you talk with friends and family, but have not told him what is acceptable to you), he will continue to meet minimum standards (unfortunately). You also need to figure out what you will accept in a relationship, how you expect to be treated, and what are deal breakers. A few examples:
1. When one of us has an issue with the other person, how do we both discuss feelings, actively listen and discuss possible solutions that we each follow-through with (and the compromise is not all on you).
2. A relationship includes another person caring about their partner's feelings, thoughts and well-being. A difficult subject can be discussed without fighting, ignoring, blaming, etc.
3. Sleeping arrangements need to be agreed upon by both people. A dog can sleep in a dog bed beside your bed (is that really a difficult solution?! It truly makes me wonder why your boyfriend is acting passive-aggressive towards you, or is actively showing you that your words do not mean anything to him or do not hold any weight in the relationship).
Please know: this list is not about being demanding, but it is about setting boundaries for yourself. I hope you also can begin knowing yourself well enough, and liking yourself more, that you engage in hobbies and interest that you love. You can gain more confidence (and, not put up with poor treatment) by doing things you love, being around people who bring out the best in you. I'm sure your boyfriend makes you happy in many circumstances, but the direction he is headed shows lack of commitment, not wanting to put energy and investment into building a relationship together. It's like he stopped with the house and dog...he's got a long ways to go to build trust, intimacy and show mutual respect (does he think men are "better than" women, since he is able to tell you how to change your appearance?).
Lastly, if he still is unable to communicate with you, show you genuine concern for your feelings, discuss sleeping arrangements and not brush you aside with "un"-answers, it might be time for couple's counseling.
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I am sorry you are going through this! Let's see if we can offer some helpful advice or support.
My reactions after I read your post:
1. You are the primary person compromising in your relationship to get him to like you (changing your appearance, your likes, your dislikes, changing where you sleep, agreeing to his suggestions).
2. You are accepting poor communication from your partner, for instance, "I don't know" or "I promise I will..." (with no follow-through) are not reasonbable answers for a long-term, committed relationship.
This really IS about you, right? And no, it is not about the sex. Not at all. You are allowing yourself to change who you are for the possibility of your boyfriend to find you attractive and show affection. We assume he loves you, but why wouldn't he? I'm sure you are nice, friendly, attractive and accommodating to his needs. He asks you to change, and you do. You ask him a question, and he doesn't have to respond. You tell him it is unacceptable for a dog to sleep in your bed, and he says "OK" and does it anyways. He watches TV instead of communicating. He even asks you to buy the birth control, and you do. I'm sure you have expectations of him that you have not listed, but please know that you are not following-through on YOUR expectations of him, just as he is not following-through on his communication or promises with you. Neither of these behaviors are going to build a strong foundation of trust, mutual understanding and respect, nor communication or intimacy.
You both need to figure out what you are committed to, if you are invested in this relationship at the same level, what you can compromise on, what you each need to learn about one another. If he can pay lip-service to your feelings and you accept this (you talk with friends and family, but have not told him what is acceptable to you), he will continue to meet minimum standards (unfortunately). You also need to figure out what you will accept in a relationship, how you expect to be treated, and what are deal breakers. A few examples:
1. When one of us has an issue with the other person, how do we both discuss feelings, actively listen and discuss possible solutions that we each follow-through with (and the compromise is not all on you).
2. A relationship includes another person caring about their partner's feelings, thoughts and well-being. A difficult subject can be discussed without fighting, ignoring, blaming, etc.
3. Sleeping arrangements need to be agreed upon by both people. A dog can sleep in a dog bed beside your bed (is that really a difficult solution?! It truly makes me wonder why your boyfriend is acting passive-aggressive towards you, or is actively showing you that your words do not mean anything to him or do not hold any weight in the relationship).
Please know: this list is not about being demanding, but it is about setting boundaries for yourself. I hope you also can begin knowing yourself well enough, and liking yourself more, that you engage in hobbies and interest that you love. You can gain more confidence (and, not put up with poor treatment) by doing things you love, being around people who bring out the best in you. I'm sure your boyfriend makes you happy in many circumstances, but the direction he is headed shows lack of commitment, not wanting to put energy and investment into building a relationship together. It's like he stopped with the house and dog...he's got a long ways to go to build trust, intimacy and show mutual respect (does he think men are "better than" women, since he is able to tell you how to change your appearance?).
Lastly, if he still is unable to communicate with you, show you genuine concern for your feelings, discuss sleeping arrangements and not brush you aside with "un"-answers, it might be time for couple's counseling.
May 22, 2011 - 8:04pmThis Comment
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