I think that we have somewhat discovered our “missing part” with what seems like hundreds of talks since the incident. We had a really long talk about it last night, and he communicated strongly that he thinks that I was always more ready, and ahead of him in our relationship, which I think played a huge factor. He said that he was never at the point that I was, ie: ready to move in together, talk about our future, talk about getting married, etc. But he said that he feels like he is there now, that this really made him realize that he does want all of those things that I want, and is more ready than he ever was or thought he could be. I have to admit, it has been nice hearing him say over and over daily that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, because looking back now, I realize how hesitant he always was before, but I never really took it in.
That being said, I hate that this is how he had this realization, and can’t help but ask myself “well what will happen if he ever has doubts in our future again, what if we are engaged and it hits him that he’s ‘stuck’ with the same girl the rest of his life, and this happens again?” .... I’m terrified. Which brings me to your questions. I really am afraid that I will always be testing him, whether deliberately or subconsciously, and waiting for him to fail which I know is so unhealthy. In the end, even though he caused this, I know that it’s not fair for me to test him the rest of our lives, and for me to always resent him for this. I know that I have to make a decision if I am going to be able to let this go and move forward with our lives, or if it is always going to be there holding us back from being happy, but I also really do believe that it was a one-time what-was-I-thinking moment.
The one point that you made though, that is the constant heartache for me, is the steps that it takes. For me, I can get past the kiss at the bar, but it’s the steps after that that just stabs a knife in my chest. I can even get myself past as far as the front door to his apartment building, because of how he explains how that happened. But it’s the fact that he got that far, and then kept going. He says over and over that it all just happened and the next thing he knew he was opening the door to his apartment and she was following him, but why didn’t he stop it at that point! I mean there were still a million steps after that - walking in, opening his apartment, showing her his room, sitting on the bed, kissing again, her taking her shorts off....... How were the brakes not put on at any one of those steps?? That’s what hurts the most, and is sooo hard to get past.
I want to fix this so bad! I want to stop thinking about it 24/7 and be happy with him again, I really do. I just find myself constantly being mad at him for little things, and using them against him as reasons I shouldn’t be with him because I’m scared. I’ve built this wall of protection that I am so afraid he will never be able to break down. Feeling what it felt like to be hurt by him made me realize how much I really do love him, and I don’t ever want to feel that pain again.
What do I do? Am I aloud to have him on a short leash, and get so upset about little things? Or am I being too harsh and taking advantage of this situation?
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Hi Alison,
Thank you so much for your response!
I think that we have somewhat discovered our “missing part” with what seems like hundreds of talks since the incident. We had a really long talk about it last night, and he communicated strongly that he thinks that I was always more ready, and ahead of him in our relationship, which I think played a huge factor. He said that he was never at the point that I was, ie: ready to move in together, talk about our future, talk about getting married, etc. But he said that he feels like he is there now, that this really made him realize that he does want all of those things that I want, and is more ready than he ever was or thought he could be. I have to admit, it has been nice hearing him say over and over daily that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, because looking back now, I realize how hesitant he always was before, but I never really took it in.
That being said, I hate that this is how he had this realization, and can’t help but ask myself “well what will happen if he ever has doubts in our future again, what if we are engaged and it hits him that he’s ‘stuck’ with the same girl the rest of his life, and this happens again?” .... I’m terrified. Which brings me to your questions. I really am afraid that I will always be testing him, whether deliberately or subconsciously, and waiting for him to fail which I know is so unhealthy. In the end, even though he caused this, I know that it’s not fair for me to test him the rest of our lives, and for me to always resent him for this. I know that I have to make a decision if I am going to be able to let this go and move forward with our lives, or if it is always going to be there holding us back from being happy, but I also really do believe that it was a one-time what-was-I-thinking moment.
The one point that you made though, that is the constant heartache for me, is the steps that it takes. For me, I can get past the kiss at the bar, but it’s the steps after that that just stabs a knife in my chest. I can even get myself past as far as the front door to his apartment building, because of how he explains how that happened. But it’s the fact that he got that far, and then kept going. He says over and over that it all just happened and the next thing he knew he was opening the door to his apartment and she was following him, but why didn’t he stop it at that point! I mean there were still a million steps after that - walking in, opening his apartment, showing her his room, sitting on the bed, kissing again, her taking her shorts off....... How were the brakes not put on at any one of those steps?? That’s what hurts the most, and is sooo hard to get past.
I want to fix this so bad! I want to stop thinking about it 24/7 and be happy with him again, I really do. I just find myself constantly being mad at him for little things, and using them against him as reasons I shouldn’t be with him because I’m scared. I’ve built this wall of protection that I am so afraid he will never be able to break down. Feeling what it felt like to be hurt by him made me realize how much I really do love him, and I don’t ever want to feel that pain again.
What do I do? Am I aloud to have him on a short leash, and get so upset about little things? Or am I being too harsh and taking advantage of this situation?
August 10, 2011 - 6:01pmThis Comment
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