First of all, how awesome it is that you've maintained the strength of will and determination to succeed in such a rigorous field as medicine while dealing with such a tumultuous relationship! I hope that you can attribute the measure of pride to that which is deserves. It seems to be the general malaise of women everywhere that so much of our self-worth is tied to our appearance. I've struggled with that for years, and no matter how angry or hurt I feel toward a man (or society) for not valuing what's inside rather than out, the bottom line is that *I* am not happy with the way I look, and that kind of low confidence level shows on our faces, in our body language, and in the choices we make in relationships (which reinforce our self-image, sometimes). This may be one aspect of why you have chosen to stay with this man - as you mentioned, you feel afraid of being alone. I can empathize with that, but I believe the truth to be that you will face a period of fear no matter when or how you end the relationship (if you do) because uncertainty is just plain scary. It is for every person at some level. If that is what's holding you to this guy, it may be that you just have to suck it up and take a blind step. The cure for all pain, my great-grandmother once said, is one thing and one thing only: time.
As for this man... I don't want to belittle him because you care for him, and I'm sure that isn't the sort of response you were asking for. From my own perspective as a social worker and a therapist, however, there are many red flags which I hope you will not continue to ignore. Foremost, the two of you seem to have different core values, which are essential in a good relationship. You are driven in the very practical, mature sense to succeed in a career and provide for yourself and your mate. He seems to have not reached a level of maturity where is able to or willing to do that, and unfortunately I fear that the dynamic between the two of you will continue to enable him. Domestic violence, or lashing out in physical anger toward anyone, especially family / loved ones, is a lack of self-control at a very critical level, and you should be very concerned about the day when stresses in your relationship might inspire him to 'solve' the problem this way. This is even more important if you want to have children with this man some day. You mentioned he is bipolar, but does not take medications. This could account for the lashing out, but unmedicated illnesses such as these can cause a person to be unpredictable and unstable, which is not a good basis for a lasting union.
I mostly hear from your post that you are ready to move on, but are having a hard time convincing yourself it's the right thing to do. Breaking up with someone is hard, especially for compassionate people, of which you must be one, as a future doctor. But you cannot be this man's mother, and it may be that he can't make changes until those that care about him in life leave him to his own devices. You can always encourage him seek counseling. Offer to go with him, if you feel that's a good choice for you.
Definitely keep going down the path you've started on. You're focused on your career, and you're questioning (and seeming to believe) that you're worth more. Focus on what makes you feel negatively, and begin to change it! Find a friend to go the gym with at school. Don't be afraid to seek counseling for yourself, too. Most professional programs will offer those kinds of services for free to students.
Best of luck, and hang in there. PM me if you need to talk to anyone!
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First of all, how awesome it is that you've maintained the strength of will and determination to succeed in such a rigorous field as medicine while dealing with such a tumultuous relationship! I hope that you can attribute the measure of pride to that which is deserves. It seems to be the general malaise of women everywhere that so much of our self-worth is tied to our appearance. I've struggled with that for years, and no matter how angry or hurt I feel toward a man (or society) for not valuing what's inside rather than out, the bottom line is that *I* am not happy with the way I look, and that kind of low confidence level shows on our faces, in our body language, and in the choices we make in relationships (which reinforce our self-image, sometimes). This may be one aspect of why you have chosen to stay with this man - as you mentioned, you feel afraid of being alone. I can empathize with that, but I believe the truth to be that you will face a period of fear no matter when or how you end the relationship (if you do) because uncertainty is just plain scary. It is for every person at some level. If that is what's holding you to this guy, it may be that you just have to suck it up and take a blind step. The cure for all pain, my great-grandmother once said, is one thing and one thing only: time.
As for this man... I don't want to belittle him because you care for him, and I'm sure that isn't the sort of response you were asking for. From my own perspective as a social worker and a therapist, however, there are many red flags which I hope you will not continue to ignore. Foremost, the two of you seem to have different core values, which are essential in a good relationship. You are driven in the very practical, mature sense to succeed in a career and provide for yourself and your mate. He seems to have not reached a level of maturity where is able to or willing to do that, and unfortunately I fear that the dynamic between the two of you will continue to enable him. Domestic violence, or lashing out in physical anger toward anyone, especially family / loved ones, is a lack of self-control at a very critical level, and you should be very concerned about the day when stresses in your relationship might inspire him to 'solve' the problem this way. This is even more important if you want to have children with this man some day. You mentioned he is bipolar, but does not take medications. This could account for the lashing out, but unmedicated illnesses such as these can cause a person to be unpredictable and unstable, which is not a good basis for a lasting union.
I mostly hear from your post that you are ready to move on, but are having a hard time convincing yourself it's the right thing to do. Breaking up with someone is hard, especially for compassionate people, of which you must be one, as a future doctor. But you cannot be this man's mother, and it may be that he can't make changes until those that care about him in life leave him to his own devices. You can always encourage him seek counseling. Offer to go with him, if you feel that's a good choice for you.
Definitely keep going down the path you've started on. You're focused on your career, and you're questioning (and seeming to believe) that you're worth more. Focus on what makes you feel negatively, and begin to change it! Find a friend to go the gym with at school. Don't be afraid to seek counseling for yourself, too. Most professional programs will offer those kinds of services for free to students.
Best of luck, and hang in there. PM me if you need to talk to anyone!
January 9, 2012 - 8:02pmThis Comment
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