Hi. I hope it's ok that I post this here. I'm not sure if I am being emotionally abused but these are some of the things that I have experienced for over 20 years:
- My husband raises his voice to me often. He is easily "provoked" and will shout, even scream at me in front of others. His irritation is voiced through clenched teeth, with balled fists and a red face and glaring eyes. He tends not to do it in front of close friends, family or at church but has done it in public (shops/restaurants) and I know that our neighbours hear him regularly.
- He manages to turn almost every disagreement into one where he will take the tack that, "Yes... it's all about me. It's all my fault. You're so perfect..." (I only wish I were...)
- Although he has never struck me, he has manhandled me in the past, gets right up in my face and has smashed things in our house in his anger. I am often afraid that he might strike out at me. He did once hit a wall and break his hand because he was angry that I wouldn't come to bed when he went. I was 7 months pregnant and my sleeping patterns were all over the place. It was 9pm and I knew I couldn't sleep then so I wanted to sit and read in the lounge. He was angry that the light was shining along the passage and coming in through the fanlight above the door which he had closed. That was 20 years ago and I'm still in shock.
- He has an issue with secular or non-gospel music and disapproves of me listening to it or singing it. However, he reads non-Christian literature and watches secular movies/progammes. He justifies it by saying that God spoke to him about what music he should listen to, and that books and movies are not the same thing.
- He resisted getting a smartphone for years, but now that he has one, he's never off it. He has his books loaded on it and when he receives a text message, no matter the circumstances, meal time, an outing together, regardless of when I'm trying to speak to him, he will check his message and respond straight away. When I challenge him on it he becomes annoyed with me.
- Our salaries go into a joint account on which I have signing power, but he won't let me have my own credit card. I am a squirrel when it comes to money, so it's not that there's a danger of me blowing our funds. I feel that I have no say in how our money is spent. I have insisted on keeping my personal investments separate but we are married in COP.
- He will say things like, "If you don't like who or what I am, perhaps you should divorce me and find someone you don't feel the need to change". "Maybe I should just leave". "If you want me out of your life, just say the word". I have NEVER spoken about leaving him or divorcing him - I feel it is manipulative. I have, once, climbed in the car and gone for a drive to a friend to just get away from him.
- I resort to biting remarks in self-defence which he then calls me out on. I just feel that I am powerless otherwise.
I subscribe to the biblical principle of being a submissive wife, but his leadership style is off-putting and I don't know what to do anymore. I managed to persuade him to attend marriage counselling with me although his opinion has always been, "If YOU think YOU need counselling then you should go." He isn't liking what the counsellor is tackling in him at the moment, which is his anger. We haven't discussed his behaviour towards me and our daughter yet, except in very broad terms. It's still early on in our counselling.
I have stuck with him for 23 years. I have suffered lack and made material and relational sacrifices. My family was against our marriage. I have cut several friends out of my life of whom he disapproved. I supported him fully when he decided to go into full time ministry before we married and I counted the cost willingly and gladly. We have suffered lack and battled financially all our lives. I have gone without many things but I accepted it as the price of being in the ministry. He is no longer in full time ministry but still preaches in our church and teaches our bible school and lectures our young people' s group. He was retrenched from his job as a private school IT Manager in December last year and was unemployed for 5 months. It was stressful for him understandably. He is now working in a new job, new industry, new challenges. He is certainly not lazy and does help me at home with many things which I appreciate hugely. What I cannot relate to is the need to be right all the time and dictate how so many little arbitrary things must be (bottles placed in a certain way etc.) However, his bits and pieces are spread across my dining room table, all over his study in disarray and dust. When I ask him to move something or keep things tidy in the house, he accuses me of trying to "pack him away"! I don't think I'm being unreasonable in wanting a tidy house. He is overweight and although I've suggested a few ways he might change his lifestyle that would help (cutting out sugary soda drinks, eating, bread, junk food etc), he pooh-poohs my suggestions saying we can't afford fancy diets. I think my overriding feeling is that of disappointment.
I have battled with depression and ill health for as long as we have been married and I am pretty sure it is partly due to the stress I've been under and although I'm no longer on depression medication and I'm feeling stronger and actually standing up for myself, my husband has actually remarked that "Your mood was more stable on the meds". In other words, I didn't fight back or challenge anything. He can't handle the new me.
We have a beautiful, bright 20 yr old daughter who is going to leave home soon and I'm going to be left with this man who won't man up and acknowledge that he has a role to play in the state of our marriage.
I've just read this comment and I realise that I've been venting heavily. I apologise. I'm just at my wits' end.
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Hi. I hope it's ok that I post this here. I'm not sure if I am being emotionally abused but these are some of the things that I have experienced for over 20 years:
- My husband raises his voice to me often. He is easily "provoked" and will shout, even scream at me in front of others. His irritation is voiced through clenched teeth, with balled fists and a red face and glaring eyes. He tends not to do it in front of close friends, family or at church but has done it in public (shops/restaurants) and I know that our neighbours hear him regularly.
- He manages to turn almost every disagreement into one where he will take the tack that, "Yes... it's all about me. It's all my fault. You're so perfect..." (I only wish I were...)
- Although he has never struck me, he has manhandled me in the past, gets right up in my face and has smashed things in our house in his anger. I am often afraid that he might strike out at me. He did once hit a wall and break his hand because he was angry that I wouldn't come to bed when he went. I was 7 months pregnant and my sleeping patterns were all over the place. It was 9pm and I knew I couldn't sleep then so I wanted to sit and read in the lounge. He was angry that the light was shining along the passage and coming in through the fanlight above the door which he had closed. That was 20 years ago and I'm still in shock.
- He has an issue with secular or non-gospel music and disapproves of me listening to it or singing it. However, he reads non-Christian literature and watches secular movies/progammes. He justifies it by saying that God spoke to him about what music he should listen to, and that books and movies are not the same thing.
- He resisted getting a smartphone for years, but now that he has one, he's never off it. He has his books loaded on it and when he receives a text message, no matter the circumstances, meal time, an outing together, regardless of when I'm trying to speak to him, he will check his message and respond straight away. When I challenge him on it he becomes annoyed with me.
- Our salaries go into a joint account on which I have signing power, but he won't let me have my own credit card. I am a squirrel when it comes to money, so it's not that there's a danger of me blowing our funds. I feel that I have no say in how our money is spent. I have insisted on keeping my personal investments separate but we are married in COP.
- He will say things like, "If you don't like who or what I am, perhaps you should divorce me and find someone you don't feel the need to change". "Maybe I should just leave". "If you want me out of your life, just say the word". I have NEVER spoken about leaving him or divorcing him - I feel it is manipulative. I have, once, climbed in the car and gone for a drive to a friend to just get away from him.
- I resort to biting remarks in self-defence which he then calls me out on. I just feel that I am powerless otherwise.
I subscribe to the biblical principle of being a submissive wife, but his leadership style is off-putting and I don't know what to do anymore. I managed to persuade him to attend marriage counselling with me although his opinion has always been, "If YOU think YOU need counselling then you should go." He isn't liking what the counsellor is tackling in him at the moment, which is his anger. We haven't discussed his behaviour towards me and our daughter yet, except in very broad terms. It's still early on in our counselling.
I have stuck with him for 23 years. I have suffered lack and made material and relational sacrifices. My family was against our marriage. I have cut several friends out of my life of whom he disapproved. I supported him fully when he decided to go into full time ministry before we married and I counted the cost willingly and gladly. We have suffered lack and battled financially all our lives. I have gone without many things but I accepted it as the price of being in the ministry. He is no longer in full time ministry but still preaches in our church and teaches our bible school and lectures our young people' s group. He was retrenched from his job as a private school IT Manager in December last year and was unemployed for 5 months. It was stressful for him understandably. He is now working in a new job, new industry, new challenges. He is certainly not lazy and does help me at home with many things which I appreciate hugely. What I cannot relate to is the need to be right all the time and dictate how so many little arbitrary things must be (bottles placed in a certain way etc.) However, his bits and pieces are spread across my dining room table, all over his study in disarray and dust. When I ask him to move something or keep things tidy in the house, he accuses me of trying to "pack him away"! I don't think I'm being unreasonable in wanting a tidy house. He is overweight and although I've suggested a few ways he might change his lifestyle that would help (cutting out sugary soda drinks, eating, bread, junk food etc), he pooh-poohs my suggestions saying we can't afford fancy diets. I think my overriding feeling is that of disappointment.
November 24, 2015 - 5:56amI have battled with depression and ill health for as long as we have been married and I am pretty sure it is partly due to the stress I've been under and although I'm no longer on depression medication and I'm feeling stronger and actually standing up for myself, my husband has actually remarked that "Your mood was more stable on the meds". In other words, I didn't fight back or challenge anything. He can't handle the new me.
We have a beautiful, bright 20 yr old daughter who is going to leave home soon and I'm going to be left with this man who won't man up and acknowledge that he has a role to play in the state of our marriage.
I've just read this comment and I realise that I've been venting heavily. I apologise. I'm just at my wits' end.
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