It's wonderful to hear that - thank you! I'll see if I can get my s**t together on this. At the moment I'm feeling very chaotic. This new understanding has been liberating but/and has also given me access to an even deeper level of pain. It does feel as though I'm right down to the bottom of the barrel, though.
I've always had these 'horror movie' moments either during the day or waking me from sleep - the sort of stomach dropping, heart thump you get when the monster suddenly appears - and for years I've been expecting to uncover some particular moment of sexual (for example)abuse to explain it. Now I know it's simply the horrific (for an infant) belief that I was unlovable and that no one could take care of me. To an infant that is fear of death, the ultimate fear and sadness. Whilst it's excruciating to take on board that this was my actual and unremitting experience I feel clearer and less tangled than I have ever done in my life.
Fortunately I know how to work with this pain and I have great trust in the innate intelligence of biological life to get me through this - but right now (I'm in my nightie as I type this at 17.32) I'm not at my most functional!
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It's wonderful to hear that - thank you! I'll see if I can get my s**t together on this. At the moment I'm feeling very chaotic. This new understanding has been liberating but/and has also given me access to an even deeper level of pain. It does feel as though I'm right down to the bottom of the barrel, though.
I've always had these 'horror movie' moments either during the day or waking me from sleep - the sort of stomach dropping, heart thump you get when the monster suddenly appears - and for years I've been expecting to uncover some particular moment of sexual (for example)abuse to explain it. Now I know it's simply the horrific (for an infant) belief that I was unlovable and that no one could take care of me. To an infant that is fear of death, the ultimate fear and sadness. Whilst it's excruciating to take on board that this was my actual and unremitting experience I feel clearer and less tangled than I have ever done in my life.
Fortunately I know how to work with this pain and I have great trust in the innate intelligence of biological life to get me through this - but right now (I'm in my nightie as I type this at 17.32) I'm not at my most functional!
August 16, 2016 - 9:40amThis Comment
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