Why does my boyfriend have anti-sex phases?

Thanks for the suggestion an I didn't take offense at all. I certainly understand where you are coming from however I'm pretty positive that's not it. As I said earlier, it's what he says that bothers me more than what he does. Most of the time he has no problem letting me see/touch him, even during these phases. (he's an 18 year old boy, I don't blame him haha) so, that beig said, it's not that he doesn't want me to be intimate with him during these times, he just says that.
Speaking of which, I should update you all on our conversation last night (face to face). Basically I told him I was confused about why his words didn't match his actions and why he keeps saying he doesn't want to have sex anymore. (I was interpreted what he had been saying wrong, he has absolutly no problem with oral at any time, he just doesn't want to have sex). His reason for this was that he isn't ready for an adult relationship because we are young and he doesn't want to hurt me in case anything happens with our relationship. I told him that I completely understand and I won't pressure him but if we get to the point where we feel something is going to happen, we don't need to go out of our way to stop it. I also told him that the emotional stuff (which he also said was a reason why we should not have sex) would be pretty bad if we broke up whether we have sex or not. So I think the whole situation is solved. I told him also that I will try to stop bring up sex in conversations.
I want to thank everyone for your advice. I don't think it would have been this easy without your all's help!

Bean... I might be a little late here, maybe not. I also might be wrong and off base but I read this to my husband to get his opinion (just now) and what came out my mouth was... "does he have someone that comes into town or something on a weird schedule as she just described his fluctuation in decision?" His response was relatively quick and he stated, "Sounds to me like there is a possibility that he might have something like Herpes".

Now, I know you are likely highly offended, certainly since you said you were each others firsts, etc.
But I hesitated to comment and mention the possibility and then thought, what if he did... I should at least mention it to her just in case she wants to investigate the possibility! I didn't want you to be at risk if something like that were possible...

I am in my mid thirties now and one thing I have learned along the way is that you can't ever account for SURE whether someone will always be 100% faithful... certainly in teenage and/or early 20's. This is just from my own experiences that I say this. Things happen and trust is good but blind faith is nuts!

The break outs usually last about that long, they are of course related to stress and aren't on a schedule but I have no idea what his stress level is like and/or what other factors might be in play if (hypothetically) it were possible.
The oral thing he can't perform or else you'd want to return the favor and how would he be able to explain that?

I agree with the other ladies, you are quite young, as is he. I know when you are 18 you feel quite grown but as time goes on you realize how young that is! :) So be careful in all your choices... you have so much to look forward to and so many things to still accomplish.

So, if I offended you or hurt your feelings or was off base, please accept my apology in advance!!?? I was honestly offering it to you because my husband was once that age and is, of course, a male... and I thought you deserved the benefit of his instinctual perception.

Thank you so much. I think I will just go with the flow an cut sex out of our conversations unless he initiates it himself untilthis passes. Once it does, (which won't be long cause it's been a week already) I will casually mention my confusion during those times and see where it goes. Something tells me though that by saying something, I might reintroduce it to his mind and he might say he wants to stop again. I don't know, but I've learned to go with the flow when it comes to him....so we'll see!

Being upfront about it will certainly be beneficial. You don’t want to ‘dance around the issue’. It seems like the two week (anti-sex) times are hard for him for some reason. Maybe you should try and talk to him when he is open to the idea and he doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
There is a way to be tactful without being pushy. Tell him you would really like to talk about it and then tell him to let you know when it is a good time. It may be the approach or bad timing when you try to talk. I know a lot of men tend to feel pressured into talking when they don’t want to. Tell him to come to you when he is prepared.
Try to stay away from blaming it on him. Pointing fingers tends to make people feel like they need to defend themselves. Tell him how much you are enjoying your new sex life and want to how you want to make both of you happy without pressuring him. It appears that he engages the sex when you do have sex, maybe that’s just what he prefers. Men love their egos.
I hope this helps. Be sure to let us know how it goes. We would love for you to keep us updated as well as give others pointers on how you resolved this issue. Good Luck!

For example I forgot about this. This happened just the other day. We were in his basement alone and he had told me earlier in the week he didn't want to fool around anymore. But then as we were sitting there, he starts touching my chest. I said in a semi-joking way "I thought you weren't doing that anymore" and he goes "I'm not" and continues to touch me. He's sending me completely mixed signals and I'm confused.

I will admit we do sneak around because we both still live at home. Although, both of us are pretty sure his parents already know but don't find it enough of an issue to confront us. I am on birth control and we have talked about the risks. I don't think he would be worried about becoming a father since there is very little chance that that could happen. I think the sex isn't the problem for him though. It's the oral sex and touching that he SAYS he doesn't want to do anymore, along with having sex, but we don't do it often enough for it to be the main issue. I do think one of his concerns might be the sneaking around even though when we do, he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Like I said, it's when we talk. He refuses to have sexual convorsations during these phases. I think though that I will try to talk to him about this face to face in a non-pushy way. Any ideas about how to get the conversation going without sounding awkward?

I think you should certainly try to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him to see if he has any concerns. One concern may be pregnancy and he is not ready to be a father. Are you on birth control?
Since this is all new to you both, did you try and educate yourselves on sex prior to engaging in the act? There are many places you can go to obtain information especially Family Planning Centers are great and usually free.
You are both in a place where hormones are strong and since you both are each other’s firsts, there may be a concern about how he makes you feel. Pay attention to the little details of when you guys do have sex. Are you alone? Do you still live at home and are you sneaking? There may be something that makes him uncomfortable at times that doesn’t have to do with you.
Could you try and tell him your feelings? The way you are thinking it is you?

I know for sure he is not cheating on me. I think it may be that we are pretty young and he feels as though we shouldn't be having a sexual relationship at our age. We have known each other since about January of our freshman year of high school and we will be seniors this year. We started dating in may of our freshman year. The sexual part of our relationship happened pretty quickly and neither of us has had a problem with it. Until, of course, now when he has decided he wants to be abstinant (sp?). Basically what happens is that I'll say something about having sex and then he is like "what? No! I don't do that anymore!" I feel like sometimes I push him too hard though and ask him why why why.
We are each others firsts and the first time was very special for the both of us, as has each time since then. We don't have sex often but we do 'fool around' quite a bit and I think this is what he has a problem with. I just don't understand though because he says he doesn't want to for about two weeks but then he's the one who then initaits it later.

Hi Bean,

Thanks for your question. It appears from your question that it is not you that has a problem. There may be many underlying reasons why your boyfriend may not want to be intimate. Do you suspect cheating? There also could be psychological reasons why he may be feeling the way he does and so forth.

Is there anything that you can think about that is in his past that may be a reason for his behavior? How long have you known him? Can you give me some more background into your relationship so I may try to further assist you.