“And a Happy Father's Day to all of our dads flying with us today on Southwest Airlines." I wondered out loud to my wife on that Father's Day 2001, on a trip to Las Vegas, if I was still a father, and she assured me I was, that you never stop. But that past April, my daughter Erica's life was cut too short in a car accident in Arizona. That Father's Day was my first since her death, and my first thought was to "get out of Dodge," avoiding the IHOPs and brunches where throngs of dads go. But this day, I thought: "There's no one to call me on Sunday."
I imagined I would always be a father, and that I would use every opportunity to parent, maybe not my child but someone else's, through being the kind of person I am. Dads like us love, nurture and never stop being what we are. We are fathers.
That day in April 2001, I joined a club. It's very select. They don't have dues. They don't have a clubhouse. They don't have a secret handshake. They don't have a membership card. But the cost to join is high, and while everyone can afford it, no one wants to be inducted.
It's 2010, and another Father's Day is upon me. I still struggle sometimes to find my way back to "normal," whatever that means. And while the people mean well, they say stupid things like "she's in a better place." Well, if it's such a great place, then that's where you should go when you are 80, not 18.
We know what to do when we lose a job. We know what to do when we have a flat tire. We know what to do when see someone in trouble. We don't know what to do when we lose a child. Nothing prepares us for what we have to do, or feel. Sometimes, we don't feel at all, and we feel bad when we don't cry. And when we do cry, we feel it's not enough.
Nine Father's Days later, there are still a lot of things I don't understand. I don't understand a lot of the things I am feeling, or not feeling. But I do know I miss Erica.
I loved her more than I can ever say. They say a father's love for his daughter cannot be described in words. . . . I cannot find the words. The love is in my smile when I will think of her, in my tears when I think of her, in my laugh when I think of her. I will forget when the dishwasher is not emptied and wonder why Erica forgot to do it, and then I will stop and remember why. And give anything to have her back.
And for the rest of my life, I will have to make sense of this jumble of emotions.
When we are young, we know all the answers. When we get older, we know all the questions; we just don't have all the answers. I wish I knew the answer to “Why?”
I will remember Erica forever, and I ask that you do the same for all the Ericas of dads out there today. To the dads, for whom the pain will always be there: Don't let people tell you it will take time. We should not let time heal all wounds. We have all been wounded, hurt and saddened, and if we let time heal, we will forget these people - and that is something we must never do.
I ask of all of you reading this for Father's Day to do all us dads a favor. Walk down the hall and hug your kids goodnight, or if they are away at school or living on their own, pick up the phone and tell them you love them. We need to know that. If you know a dad who lost a child, call and tell him you know Sunday will be a difficult day, but you were thinking of him. We need to hear that. And if you are out and about, stop and give a moment's recollection of the children who are gone. Believe me, wherever we are, we dads will feel that.
And for all those moms and dads and others out there who wonder if we still want to celebrate today and if this day is ours - it still is our day and always will be. Happy Father's Day.
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Add a Comment8 Comments
I lost my dear son in a auto accident on Fathers day June 19, 2016 he had such a kind heart he was just such a loving person. He was born on the 24th of December 1985 he and I were more than father and son we were best friends forever... I cry everyday and night missing him so much. I have asked the Lord for help but my suffering just lingers on and on it's endless. I can only hope my time is soon where I can be with him again
August 15, 2016 - 11:13amThis Comment
We lost our 1 year old baby boy a year ago. I don't know how to describe the pain and suffering we still have. He was our first and only child. I try to smile and forget and not to think about it. But I can't. I often cry. My husband suffers in silence in a year. But today he couldn't hold it any longer. So he got drunk and cried a lot. He kept screaming "i miss him so much. Bring him back to me." I have no words to describe this pain we are having. I thought time will heal but i guess it is not
September 1, 2015 - 11:01amThis Comment
Thank you for this post.. I'm still lost.. Me and my wife lost our 9 year old daughter Jan 6 2015.. She passed in her sleep while I was working in Pennsylvania..y wife found her when she went to wake her for school.. It was the worse scream I have ever heard on the phone..
June 21, 2015 - 2:24amThis Comment
my half sister just passed away from breast cancer less than 2 months ago and am struggling with what to say to my somewhat estranged father in a letter to be included with his father's day card. thank you for sharing your feelings in a matter that i could never fully understand, for my children have 4 legs that i didnt give birth to. sis was almost 60 years old, and i cannot imagine what my dad is going through, yet, he is a man who has managed to endure many unimaginable sufferings he seemingly just overcomes. my pain is so profound but my father must, on some level, be experiencing such unimaginably profound grief that his busy schedule cannot protect him from. i'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for helping me to find a way to reach out to him in a way that i hope wont be superficial or insensitive -there there its all better now.
June 9, 2015 - 2:44pmof course i should call and reach out, but, lacking that closeness, at least i may write something that can convey a level of love and sympathy inspired, at least in part, by attempting to understand your own profound pain.
sorry if i said anything selfish or insensitive, bless you
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Barry - Today is Father's Day and I know it will be a difficult day for you, so I just wanted to say hello and wish you a day of warm remembrances of your daughter. It was nice to see your story in the Arizona Republic as I'm sure you have helped encourage people to step up and say something to support the fathers and mothers who have lost their children but will always be parents.
http://www.azcentral.com/community/scottsdale/articles/2010/06/18/20100618scottsdale-kruger-life-undone.html
Take care,
June 20, 2010 - 11:11amPat
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Barry,
I am stunned at the beauty and rawness of your post. As a daughter who lost her dad to cancer quite a few years ago, Father's Day has always been a bit of a rough spot for me, too. But I have never thought about that day fron the perspective of dads who have lost a child.
You will always be a father just as I will always be a daughter. Happy Father's Day, and thank you so very much for writing.
June 15, 2010 - 9:23amThis Comment
thank YOu for writing Diane. someone asked me how i manage to be happy and laugh, in the face of such a tragedy.I tell them you get tired of crying.
June 15, 2010 - 9:37amThis Comment
Barry, thank you for sharing your personal story, and tragedy, with us. It's often very hard to know what men are feeling because most are so good as masking emotions in situations such as the loss of a child, or when a child is going through a serious illness. Too often people don't know what to say so they say absolutely nothing and wait for the grieving parent to get in touch with them at the "right time" instead of offering comfort and support when the parent needs it the most. I really appreciate your insight into the male perspective and hope you will continue to share your thoughts with us. I hope you have many friends and family members join you this Father's Day to celebrate the life you had with your daughter and honor her memory.
June 14, 2010 - 5:30pmTake care, Pat
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