Most of us parents want to be grandparents some day. You know - that day. That far off day, when we have a bit of silver in our hair and our children have finished college and enjoyed a few career-driven years before finding a decent mate and making a home with them. We can enjoy those grandkids, help out a bit and watch our own children transition into mature parents who make the same mistakes we did, and hopefully do many more wonderful things to compensate.
But what happens when our daughter isn't done with college. When she isn't even half way through high school? And she tells you she's pregnant?
None of us will be happy. None of us wants our son or daughter to be a parent in high school. The statistics are dim. The percentage of teen moms who graduate high school is very low. College, even lower. The odds of them living at or below the poverty line are high and the odds of their own children being teen parents are also increased. Indeed, they are at great risk of having a second child soon after the first.
So how to we keep our kids from becoming parents? One way is to put our daughters on the birth control pill before she becomes sexually active. But most 13 or 14 year olds are not rushing to mom to tell her she's ready to have sex "so let's break out the pills so that we're all set!" Boys don't want to tell their parents either, so they use condoms incorrectly (or not at all), or believe that you can't get a girl pregnant the first time, or that pulling out guarantees she won't get pregnant.
And all of this leads to teen pregnancy and disease.
So do we insist on abstinence? Many teens will disobey that rule, whether we like it or not. And abstincence-only programs have not seen a decrease in teen pregnancy.
So we need to be involved. Do we put our daughters on the pill? What age is acceptable? 17? 16? 14?
We have decision to make, as parents. Do we tell our children that real responsibility is to not have sex until they can physically (pregnancy/disease) and emotionally (breakups/stress) handle a sexual relationship? This is essentially saying that abstinence is best. It's safe to say many parents feel this way about their young teens.
Or do we agree that sex and teenagers is a reality and that it happens - all the time. And unless we prepare our children (birth control/condoms) the alternatives are teenage parents, abortions or leaving newborns in a toilet stall.
Is there a real-life solution to the dichotomy of parents wanting their kids to abstain from sex, and their kids wanting to engage in it? Where is the line drawn? Is putting a 13 year old girl on the pill allowing her to take sexual responsibility, or is it giving her carte blanche to have sex anytime she wants? Will it teach her responsibility or will it set her up for failure? After all, parents think - taking a pill once a day is easy, until she forgets. And a 13, 14, or 15 year old will forget. And they won't care. And they won't get pregnant. And they are invincible and it'll never happen to them. Until it does. And if it's not pregnancy, it's herpes or HPV or HIV. Diseases that can maim or kill.
Many other parents believe that the pill (or condoms) are better than nothing at all. And if their kids are going to have sex, at least they'll be protected.
Tell Us
How do you feel about younger teens and birth control? How young is too young? Have you - or will you - put your daughters on the pill? And at what age?
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Add a Comment28 Comments
I was a sex educator for a number of years, and this question of whether or not to "put your daughter" on the pill makes me very worried. Most healthcare providers that I know would be uncomfortable with you forcing a reproductive choice on your daughter, and would not prescribe them unless she displayed interest. Maintaining an open line of communication with your teen is the best way to know if she is sexually active, and simply asking if she is taking preventative measures can give you information about what she knows. Show her resources that provide full, unbiased information about teen pregnancy and STDs and how they happen; schools don't always teach these things anymore. Let her put herself on the pill; you don't have to do it for her.
I'd say that the best way to get your daughter to be protected against both pregnancy and STDs is by giving her comprehensive information about her risks and behaviors, as well as all of her options. Taking her to a local planned parenthood office is a good way to get plenty of information and pamphlets and such. She may find that being on oral contraceptives is inconvenient and that there are better ways to protect herself (what good is the pill if you forget to take it, for example?)
When I worked in a teen clinic, we always advised the "double-dutch" method of protection for all girls, with a hormonal (pill, shot, patch, ring, IUD, implant) as well as a barrier (condom, female condom, dental dam) in place at every sexual encounter. This ensures an extremely low risk of becoming pregnant, as well as contracting most sexually transmitted diseases.
December 3, 2010 - 3:50pmThis Comment
Great points, anon. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experiences. Pat
December 3, 2010 - 5:03pmThis Comment
i am 16 years old. i was a freshman in highschool at 15. Honestly, in high school things change. i was put on birth controll at 15. i lived with my older sister (21) and my father. i sat my sister down and talked to her about the fact that i was growing up and i needed to start taking responcibility for my actions. i had a sexual relationship at 15 with my boyfriend of 5 months. we had sex 3 times. and in those 3 we used a condom once. i was very lucky to not get pregante from pre cum or anything at all. about two months after we broke up i had sex again without protection. i missed my period and began to worry. but again, i came back lucky without being pregnate. my actions were very dumb. and i can admit to that. seriously any 15/16 year old girl is not gonna think they'd be the ones to get pregnate. but most of the time they come out wrong. so with this being said my sister agreed to put me on the pill. we did hide it from my dad because he would think im growing up too fast and he would most likely take the pills away from me. i mean? what father of a 15 year old girl would want them on the "pill" it does not protect against std's or any sexul desease. but if your smart enough about your partners you'll be okay. you just need to trust that their responcible enough..
October 16, 2010 - 4:57pmThis Comment
I have a 13 year old daughter who thinks she is 18. She was living with her dad in cali then her dad decided she could go live with my step mom and dad.
September 21, 2010 - 8:10pmShe has expressed to me that she has a boyfriend and she makes out with him all the time. My parents no nothing about this. She got mad because i told her gma that she had a boyfriend.
Her dad and i were disgussing if we should put our daughter on birth control. I tried to talk to her about it and she got upset and defensive. Next thing i know my dad called me telling me that my step mom thinks im wrong for putting her on birth control that she dont need it. To mind you i gave birth to her when i was 16 years old. i have 4 sisters and a brother and every one of us were pregnant before we were 16. My sister was pregnant at 13 and my dad made her have an abortion. thats his form of birth control.Why would my dad of all people support his wifes feelings when all his daughters were pregnant early? Can i please get some feed back. Am i wrong for wanting to put my daughter on birth control?
This Comment
I agree that frank discussions are necessary when discussing sex, with both genders of children. I think is important to discuss safe sexual practices as well as good relationship communication with our daughters so that they understand how to be safe physically and mentally.
I would like to point out that we may not want to urge teenage girls to get on the pill too quickly, since the long-term effects of the pill are still uncharted territory. It is still not clear whether the extra estrogen pulsing through our bodies is actually good for anything but delaying pregnancy, and many studies have shown that it can lead to an increase in breast cancer, ovarian cancer, and heart disease. I am on the pill, but I don't think I'd allow my daughter to go on the pill unless she had a good reason to.
March 3, 2010 - 7:49pmThis Comment
Very good post. I am not a mother myself yet but I hope to be in the future. I am only 20 years old so seeing as how i was a teenager just a year ago I thought I would give my insights on the subject.
I went on birth control when I was 15 years old, not because I wanted to have sex but because of my acne. It helped clear up my face alot. Just one year later I was ready for sex, I had my first serious boyfriend and yes being on the pill already made it easier for us to have sex but we didnt rush into it, we dated for a decent amount of time before having sex. My mother was extremely supportive, and this helped me alot. Knowing that I could go to her and talk to her about this subject was just so nice. Yes I had sex at 16, some might say thats young but these days that normal. I have met girls that lost their virginity at 13 and 14, which I find totally rediculous. That is absolutely way to young but it does happen. I think that all a mother can do is realize that it is going to happen. Preaching abstinence will not work. They will do it anyways in unsafe ways. Talk to your daughters at a young age, I am thinking 13 or so and let them know how important it is to be safe. Around age 15 is when I would say is good for birth control because it worked for me. I always used condoms and my mother made sure to get the gaurdacil shot on top of that. Because of everthing my mother has done for me I have always been very safe and coutious about sex.
March 3, 2010 - 3:58pmThis Comment
You don't say how many of the 30 sexual encounters you had were with different men in the past SIX MONTHS. You are clearly not mature enough to make sound judgements and realize that the consequences of your "reality" can have major negative financial and emotional impact on you for the rest of your life. Big whoop. So you don't have chlamydia or ghonorrhea. So far so good on the HIV, but it only takes one and if you plan to continue on your current path, you will surely encounter something that is not curable. Warts, herpes, HIV/Aids, hepatitis c, they're all out there. You think condoms are expensive? try pricing the drugs that you would need to take to sustain your life for the rest of your shortened life.
November 29, 2009 - 9:48amThis Comment
How exactly was this reply necessary? All I see here is an attack on someone who took the time to post about her experiences, and I'm frankly offended that you would be so rude to a complete stranger.
December 3, 2010 - 4:19pmThis Comment
As a sexually active seventeen year old girl, I feel my own two cents are needed. I've been on the pill for over a year, though when I began it was merely to remedy cramps and other menstrual issues. The genuine truth, teenage girls DO NOT forget to take their pill. EVER. I have an astounding number of friends who are also on the pill who just flat out do not forget. In my own year of using the pill, I have forget once that I can recollect. I would say maybe twice at the most. I am fully responsible for refilling my prescription every month, also. Another truth, girls that are on the pill don't use condoms. They just don't. Generally, they know their partner's history, and usually the history is abysmal to nonexistent, so STDs don't really haunt us. (Another reason is mainly because condoms are reealllyyy expensive.) The final truth, is that teenage girls don't talk to their parents about their sex lives. Our parents aren't lovingly sitting us down for "the talk", or answering our questions, or anything like that at all. We're getting free birth control and Plan B from Planned Parenthood. We're also getting tested, just in case.
November 26, 2009 - 11:47pmI'm seventeen years old, I have been taking oral contraceptives for the past year, I have been sexually active for six months, I have tested negative for HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea , I have used a condom once, I have had sex nearly thirty times. I am not considered sexually promiscuous by my peers. This is reality.
This Comment
Actually, after all I've read about this, and knowing how stupid my peers were when I was a teen, you're what is called an exception. I also notice you said you "never forget" to take the pill and then immediately after, you say you have forgotten maybe once or twice in the past year. So which is it? It can't be both cases. Those one or two times you forgot it are the one or two times you could have gotten pregnant.
I agree with the article. Teens think they are invincible. They don't think about the consequences. They only think in the present. The consequences that await them if birth control should fail are far too great for them to comprehend. Honestly---if you don't already live in your own home, paying for your own food, and going to work to take care of your own self, what the hell makes you think you're prepared to take responsibility for a baby? Teenagers are still living off of their parents. And they don't care what they do because they don't yet know what it means to be responsible for an entire household. You cannot say "I'm responsible for school, therefore I'm ready to take on ten times that responsibility". You need more life experience. Like the author asks: are you physically ready for pregnancy? Emotionally? As a teen, the answer for both is a resounding "no". Teens just want to have fun. They don't think about consequences. Their brains aren't done developing, and in fact good decision making skills are not done developing until a human is over 20 years old. That may seem like just a few years to a 17 year old, but developmentally that's a huge leap. So, unless you don't care about your future and plan on possibly living off welfare, you shouldn't take the huge risks associated with teen sex. After all, honestly, I don't want to pay for someone else's mistakes with my tax money. I'm 21 and I decided to wait until I'm in a successful career before I even begin to think about becoming sexually active. So yeah, you might feel like you want to start in your teen years, but a little thing called self control goes a long way. If I've worked that hard and waited that long, I shouldn't have to waste my money paying for teens who make stupid decisions.
And I'm not just some bigot spitting stuff out. I had to be adopted because my birth mom was 15 when she had me. I was lucky that someone wanted me. I regret her decision for her. She was an idiot for starting that young, and I'm proud to say I never made that same mistake. I have also read another article about children born to teenagers having delayed intellectual and social growth, and I can support that study from my experience as someone born to a teenager. So the consequences not only apply to you but also to your possible child, should your birth control fail. The consequences if your birth control fails (meaning if you mess up, because birth control only fails if misused, typically) are too great to even cross a teenager's mind.
So the question becomes the same one you hear in Sex Ed in school: Are you willing to pay the rest of your life for 5 minutes of pleasure?
If I had a kid, I would make the consequences very clear to them: I'm not paying for their bad decisions. If they get pregnant before they can take care of themselves, they are out of the house and on the street, and they can consider themselves without college tuition or inheritance. I would have agreed with my parents on those conditions if they had laid them out that way for me too, because there is absolutely no reason that it should ever become an issue.
July 1, 2012 - 2:33amThis Comment